Your responsibility for your teen - making them happy

Society dictates that, as a parent, your responsibility for your teen is twofold:

• making your teen happy, and
• making your teen responsible.

They're actually flip sides of the same coin - and neither is possible.

To make matters worse, what your teen says you have to do to make her happy actually contributes to her unhappiness, and what you think you have to do to make him responsible actually contributes to his irresponsibility.

But it's okay. There's a way around all this confusion! In this post, we'll deal with myths around making your teen happy.

Myth #1 - My teen will be happy if I provide for her.

Parents mistakenly believe that their teen's happiness depends on what others do for them or buy for them. And our teens are quick to capitalize on this belief: "If you really loved me, you would (fill in the blank)." Then we wonder why they're selfish, self-centred and ungrateful. Not surprisingly, selfish, self-centred, ungrateful people are anything but happy!

The truth is it's not possible to "buy" your teen's happiness, because happiness comes from -

• satisfying relationships, and
  
• becoming increasingly competent at solving problems, getting along with others, predicting outcomes, understanding cause and effect, etc.
  

Your "job" as a parent consists of providing food, shelter, clothing and a safe environment. (More about safe environment later.) But for most of us, it doesn't end there. The older they get, the more self-sufficient they should become, but for some of us, the older they get, the more we do for them and the more we provide for them.

How many of these do you do for your teen:

• act as a taxi service - even when it's not convenient for you
• do their laundry
• wake them up in the morning, make their breakfast, make their lunch and drive them to school or work
  
• plan dinner around what they like, not what you like
• clean up their room
• look after their pets
• act as a mediator with teachers, principals and bosses
  
• act as a referee between them and others (siblings, other parent, etc.)
• rescue them or bail them out when they get themselves in hot water

How many of these do you provide for your teen:

• cell phone
• cable/satellite TV
• internet
• laptop
• designer clothes
• junk food
• money
• use of your car (with you paying insurance, gas, etc.)
  

With all you do and all you provide, is your teen happy? Or is he or she increasingly unhappy? And what about you? How are you doing?

What you can do instead

You can help prepare them to live in the world by doing the following:

1. Let them do for themselves what they can (and should) be doing for themselves.
2. Let them provide for themselves what they can (and should) be providing for themselves.
3. Teach them the skills they'll need to get along on their own - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Then give them a chance to get good at them!
   
4. Model self-control.
5. Be self-sufficient.
   
6. Demonstrate co-operation and win-win in all your relationships.
   
7. It's easier to be happy when you're around happy people. So BE HAPPY! Show them that growing up and taking on more responsibility has its benefits and rewards!
   

Myth #2 - My teen will be happy if I protect him.

It's not easy being a child or a teen. After all, they aren't competent at much, and they're still learning how the world works, how they fit in, and how to look after themselves. If you've ever tried to learn something new, you know it takes a lot of trial and error and practice before you get it right, and that's frustrating. Frustration is a necessary step in developing competence.

For some teens, the idea of facing the world on their own looms large and frightening, which can lead to some interesting behaviours: increased reliance on you, on distractions, on material possessions, and on substances like drugs and alcohol.

But you make a mistake when you protect them -

• from their anger by appeasing them
• from frustration by doing it for them
  
• from others by making excuses for them
• from making mistakes by bribing, threatening and punishing
• from making "bad" decisions by making their decisions for them
  
• from learning cause and effect by rescuing them
• from other family members by interfering in their relationships
  
• from the police by bailing them out or lying for them.
  

Instead of protecting them, you're actually short-circuiting their growth, their learning, and their resiliency.

And while you can't "fix" your teen's unhappiness, anger, depression, frustration or anxiety, you can provide a safe environment and help them figure it out for themselves.

What you can do instead

1. Listen to understand.
2. Ask them what they want, how they would like things to be.
3. Ask what they think they can do about it.
   
4. Help them build on previous successes. Walking and talking are by far the most difficult skills they'll ever learn, and they've already mastered those!
5. Focus on character - something they have absolute control over.
   
6. Support them in taking responsible risks and moving out of their comfort zone.
7. Encourage them to "take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" (Ms Frizzle from The Magic School Bus)
   

In the next post, we'll discuss making your teen responsible!

Your responsibility to yourself

At the end of the last post, I asked you a "trick" question: Do you and others have a right to get your needs met?

If you answered yes, you're right - but only half right. Read on...

So what's a need? According to Choice Theory, there are five basic needs:

• Survival
• Love & belonging
• Power (respect)
• Freedom
• Learning

(For a short and easy-to-read description of needs, you can download the free booklet Who's Driving YOUR Car? from www.lifewhisperers.ca. This will also teach you how to find out what your own unique needs profile is. Go ahead and figure out your teen's profile while you're at it! This'll come in handy in a later post.)

Responsibility has two parts:

• doing those things that meet your needs, and
• not preventing anyone else from doing those things that meet their needs.

According to this definition, doing those things that meet your needs isn't a right, it's a responsibility! Same for your son or daughter.

So why do we have a responsibility to get our needs met? Because everything we do - and everything everybody else does - is our best attempt to satisfy our needs. That's what drives our behaviour. And the more successful we are, the happier we are.

So what are your responsibilities to yourself? How about these: I have a responsibility to decide--

• When I'll stay home, when I'll go out, and where I'll go.
• When I'll entertain and who I'll invite into my home.
• Who I'll associate with.
  
• How I'll spend my time (whether anyone else thinks it's "important" or not).
  
• What perks I'll provide - TV, computer, internet access, drives, etc.
  
• What kind of food I'll buy.
• What and when I'll prepare meals.
  
• How I'll spend my money.
  

How else do you take responsibility for yourself? Let's hear what you have to say!

In the next post, I'll challenge you to think differently about your responsibility for your teen!

Your responsibility to your teen

What's a parent? And who gets to decide? In other words, who writes your job description?

I'm stunned by the number of parents who explain, "But my teen says it's my job!" Expectations include, but are not limited to:

• driving them out of town to a friend's and picking them up again - at the teen's convenience
• waking them up in the morning, packing their lunch and driving them to school (even when the parents know they're not going to school)
• buying them designer clothes
• cooking all their meals
• waiting on them hand and foot
• picking up after them
• doing their laundry
• giving them money
• letting them use the car.

The list is endless.

The irony, of course, is that we've taught our kids that they can reasonably expect to get whatever they want, with no effort on their part, because it's the job of others to provide it.

The result? We end up with self-absorbed, demanding and ungrateful teens who suffer from low self-esteem and monumental entitlement.

So let's rewrite your job description. What realistically can your teen expect from you? YOU decide! Here's a start. As a parent, I commit--

• To pay the bills - mortgage, utilities, car payment and insurance, etc.
• To buy groceries (real food, not junk).
• To buy household supplies (laundry detergent, cleaners, toilet paper, etc.).
• To cook meals from time to time - or every night, if that's what I choose.
• To keep the house the way I like it - i.e., clean, tidy and free from clutter.

As a parent, you may also recognize that there's value in fostering a meaningful connection with your son or daughter - not to control, but to support and encourage in order to influence. So to this list you might add the following:

• To love you unconditionally, knowing that I don't have to approve of what you do to recognize and accept you as a unique individual.
• To teach you age-appropriate life skills that you'll need when you move out on your own (cooking, laundry, etc.).
• To support you in your right to "own" your own life and make your own decisions around friends, education, career path, etc. - whether or not I agree.
• To not rescue you, but to trust in your ability to learn from your mistakes.
• To listen and understand - without judging, blaming or criticizing.
• To do with you - not to you or for you.
• To support your growth by not doing for you what you can do for yourself.
• To offer advice and opinions only when asked for.
• To help you build self-esteem by offering you opportunities to contribute to the family in a meaningful way.
• To practice a co-operative model of living together, where everyone's opinion matters, everyone has a say, and everyone has the freedom to get their own needs met - but not at anyone else's expense.
• To respect that you are an autonomous individual with unique needs, wants and perspective.
• To stay out of your relationships with others, and have faith in you to sort out conflicts on your own. And of course I'm always around to give you pointers if you need them!
• To encourage you to think for yourself and evaluate what you do in terms of the results you get.
• To define and solve problems with you - not to see you as a problem to be solved.
• To negotiate everything else!

I'll expand on each of these in the next few posts - along with how accountability fits into all this.

In the meantime, here's a question: Do you have a right to get your needs met? And does your child or teen have a right to get his or her needs met? Leave your comments! This is one place where your opinion matters!

Rice Experiment - Results

I first read about the rice experiment in The Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto (pp. 64-65).

It piqued my curiosity, so I tried it for myself - three times. And each time I got the same result.

I put in additional "controls":

• I cooked the rice in water and salt, and added nothing else.
• I sterilized the jars and lids to reduce contamination.
• I put the rice in the jars as soon as it had finished cooking.
• I was careful to put equal amounts of rice in each jar (or as close to equal as I could get).
• I made sure the lids sealed the jars tightly.
• I put the three jars together on the same small table in my kitchen.
• Each time I did the experiment, I changed the position of the jars - just in case!

None of this made any difference.

Here's what I found:

• The rice in the "thank you" jar grew a white, fluffy mould.
• The rice in the "you fool" jar grew a darker, heavier mould.
• The rice in the jar I ignored grew an almost black mould - and moulded more quickly than the other two.

Cristina tried the experiment too, with similar results. (Read her comment on the previous post.)

The next time I try this (as I'm sure I will), I won't actually say anything; I'll just think it. And when I do, I'll let you know what happens!

Rice Experiment - What did you observe?

Towards the end of August, I outlined the method for conducting a rice experiment:

1. Get 2 or 3 small glass jars with lids.
2. Fill them with cooked rice and put on the lids.
3. Set them in a common area (e.g., kitchen).
4. Several times a day - or whenever you think of it - say "Thank you" to one jar, "You fool!" to another and, if you've chosen 3 jars, pointedly ignore the third.
5. If anyone else in your home is interested, let them know what you're doing and invite them to participate.
6. Continue the experiment for 3-4 weeks.
   

Next week I'll tell you what I observed the three times I did this.

But for now: If you tried this experiment, share your results with us! Just write your comment in the box below this post.

Who's pulling whose strings?!

I always caution parents new to this method that, when they start to change what they're doing and saying, things may - and probably will - get worse before they get better.

There's a perfectly logical reason for this: As a parent begins to change, the child or teen will often escalate their acting-out behaviour in an attempt to get the parent back under control.

Huh?! Yes, you heard that right.

Shortly after I joined the parent group, I stopped yelling, screaming, nagging and threatening in response to what my teens were doing. Bewildered and confused, two of them went to my Dad's and said, "Grandpa, you have to do something about Mom. She's completely out of control!"

A reasonable human being might think they'd have been relieved. But teens, like everyone else, like predictability, even when they don't like the form it takes.

My teens had come to rely on certain responses: when they fought, I would interfer and yell; when they left a mess in the kitchen, I would nag; when they skipped classes, I would lecture; when they came home late, I would threaten. They knew what to expect - and they liked the predictability. The unpleasantness of it all was just the cost of doing business with me.

The following excerpt from Alyson Schafer's new book Honey, I Wrecked the Kids beautifully illustrates what's going on in this dance with our teens. When I read this to the parents in the parent group a few weeks ago, there was a quick and dramatic shift in some of their thinking.

"Donna sits on the side of the sandbox to keep an eye on Owen while he plays because he keeps trying to put the sand in his mouth. 'Yucky,' Mommy says each time. 'Not in the mouth, Owen. Yucky - sand is for the sandbox. Put it down. Not for eating,' and so on.

"Owen is learning that every time he lifts his sand-filled fist to his mouth, his mother starts talking like a windup doll. Instead of learning not to eat sand, he is learning how to make Mommy talk! Mom could instead say nothing, let Owen experience a mouthful of sand, and he would quickly realize that it is indeed 'yucky.'" (p. 79)

So who's controlling whom here?!

Maybe the nagging, yelling, lecturing and reminding that we're so committed to are teaching our teens something other than what we intended!

Just say no! - part 3

In the two previous blogs on "Just say no!" we looked at the beliefs that drive parents to say yes when they want to say no:

• My teen is helpless, incompetent and incapable of looking after him/herself.
• It's my job as the parent to protect them and provide for them.

But there's more to it than that. In the previous examples, Tony and Paula also said yes to avoid feeling guilty. And this may be equally, or even more, compelling.

Everything we do is our best attempt
to feel as good as we possibly can.

This is true even of things we dread or dislike: a visit to the dentist, surgery, paying taxes. Even though doing these things may not feel good at the time, we do them anyway because we know the result of not doing them will feel even worse!

We struggle with some parenting decisions because we think we only have two options - neither of which we want:

• When we say no, we feel guilty.
• When we say yes, we feel angry.

So what breaks the tie?

We feel guilty when we think we're wrong. Otherwise, we wouldn't feel guilty. And what could feel more wrong than abandoning or not providing for our children?

But we feel angry when we think someone else is wrong and we're right. When we feel angry, at least there's someone else we can blame!

• "He's always imposing on me."
• "She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her."
• "He's always taking advantage."
• "She doesn't treat her friends this way!"

Frankly, thinking we're right feels a whole lot better than thinking we're wrong. It's hard to feel self-righteous anger unless you can convince yourself it's someone else's fault.

Tony and Paula felt angry because they felt victimized by their teens. But in fact their teens didn't do anything to them. They volunteered!

The good news is that you don't have to choose between guilt and anger. You can choose something better - a better belief, a better perception, and a better feeling!

Feelings
It's almost impossible to change how you feel by simply deciding to change how you feel. (You know how helpful it is when someone says, "Cheer up!") But it's worthwhile to examine how you'd like to feel.

So how would you like to feel? How about curious? optimistic? trusting? adventurous? hopeful?

Beliefs
What could you believe - about yourself or your teen - that would help you feel that way?

• She's perfectly capable of getting anything she wants in life.
• He's perfectly capable of looking after himself.
• I've taught them values. Now it's up to them.
• She's very resourceful, and I know I can trust her to handle whatever comes up.
• He's becoming more discerning all the time.
• I'm glad they have the confidence to "Take chances! Make mistakes! Get dirty!" (Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus) and learn from their mistakes.
• I can help create a haven for them where it's safe for them to ask questions and to share their opinions, challenges, concerns - and triumphs.

Perceptions
I attended a workshop several years ago, and was flabbergasted when the presenter said, "I much prefer acting-out teens. They're much more interesting." Huh?! Is that possible?!

I went home and checked and, sure enough, my kids were very interesting! And suddenly that was a good thing!

What if you saw your teen as...

• a young adult instead of a confused, helpless and frustrating teen?
• an individual in his or her own right - as not belonging to you?
• a young person with unique needs and wants and dreams?
• someone on a journey of discovery?
• someone who's making mistakes so they can learn about themselves and the world?

Alternately...
And then, if you decide, against your better judgement, to go ahead and say yes anyway, recognize that you're doing it for yourself and make the best of it without criticizing, blaming, whining or complaining - or beating yourself up!

The best time to give advice

"The worst waste of breath, next to playing the saxophone, is advising a son." - Kim Hubbard

The following excerpt is from a small book by Jonathon and Wendy Lazear called Meditations for Parents Who Do Too Much (New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Inc., 2003):

The president has advisors. Children don't need them. Children have parents who "pretend" to be advisors, and children "pretend" to listen. The truth is, the only advice children are willing to listen to is the advice they give themselves.

If you want to give advice to your kids, save your breath. Talk to your kids instead. Talk to them about baseball and horses and politics and weather and the price of fame. Talk to them about animals and presidents and music and the time you had the time of your life. Give them encouragement ... and warmth and wit. Anything but advice.

Those who give advice may have to open themselves up to receive it...

The best time to give advice?

When your teen asks for it!

The best time to give your opinion

Here's what I learned from my son Andrew about a year ago. Two of his friends were about to get into a messy (but not illegal) situation, and I asked him what he thought about it.

Shrug. "I think they're making a big mistake."

"Have you told them that?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"They haven't asked. If they wanted my opinion, they'd ask for it."

I was dumbfounded.

Have you ever had the experience of trying to have a friendly conversation with your teen, only to have him storm off angry and frustrated? And does it happen right after you offer your opinion?

In a fragile or strained relationship,
your opinion isn't the one that matters!

A dialogue doesn't have to be a two-way street. Sometimes it's just one person talking and one person listening.

If you want your teen to talk to you, you have to be willing to listen. Listening means giving your teen your undivided attention, the same as you would with a friend. It's not just a matter of being polite; it's a matter of being sincere - and sincerely interested.

That means not correcting her, arguing with her or setting her straight - even when she's wrong.

The best time to give your opinion?

When your teen asks for it!

Filling the air with words

This is how a friend of mine describes compulsive chatter.

Which is what parents do best.

(For a humorous rendition of "parentspeak," check out The Mom Song on Youtube!)

Funny how parents mistake lectures and advise for conversation!

My kids never learned anything while I was talking at them.

Why is that?

Because they weren't listening.

And they weren't listening because I wasn't saying anything they wanted to hear. It wasn't about what they wanted. It was all about me - what I wanted, what I thought was best for them. I wasn't talking about what mattered to them; I was talking about what mattered to me. And I was talking to them and at them - not with them. Of course, it was all for their own good, but they found my "conversation" tiresome and annoying. How curious!

Then I discovered that all my talking was actually preventing them from thinking.

How in the world could they think straight with me yammering at them all the time? And how in the world could they think straight when all their thinking power was tied up with arguing, explaining, justifying, defending - and attacking? (After the all, the best defence is a good offence!)

Want your teens to think for themselves?

Stop talking so they can start thinking!

How to listen

There are two ways to listen:

• Listening to reply.
• Listening to understand.

The first is the one most of us use. While our teen is talking, we're formulating our response: a comment, advice, a criticism, a rebuttal, a correction, a suggestion, or an opinion.

But it's amazing what can happen when you stop rehearsing your answers and just pay attention.

Larry King said, "I never learned anything while I was talking."

How unfortunate. I know what he means, but if you've ever spent time with a good listener, you know how much you learned!

Some of the greatest insights I've ever had came in those moments when I was talking to someone who was really present, really listening. They didn't challenge me or interrupt to offer their opinion. They just listened and gave me a chance to hear my own words and think about what I was saying. And in their comfortable, attentive silence I found the space to really consider what I was saying and think things through. Because they didn't judge me, I felt safe to say whatever I wanted, without feeling defensive - and I also felt safe enough to change my mind!

Listening is about connecting with someone
with the intent to understand.

There are tremendous benefits to you as the listener:

• As you focus on connecting and understanding, it becomes easier to stop taking things personally.
• Focusing on what your teen is saying (rather than on your response) will quiet your mind.
• Really paying attention to what your teen thinks and feels will make them more real as people, more uniquely individual. They'll become more than just "my kid."
  
• Listening to what your teen has to say will create the safety for them to think more and share more.

To be a good listener, there are two key tools you must master:

Acknowledgements

Most people don't know the difference between understanding and agreeing. And most people think, "If you really understood me, you'd agree with me!"

If this is what you think, it'll be almost impossible for you to acknowledge your teen's opinions. After all, understanding is agreement.

No, no, a thousand times no!

An acknowledgement lets your teen know that
you understand and value his or her opinion -
not that you agree with or approve of the content.

Here are some examples:

• "Thanks for sharing that with me."
• "I never saw it that way before."
• "I feel like I understand you better now."
• "That's an interesting way of looking at it."
• "You've given me a lot to think about."
  
• "I'm so glad you took the time to explain that to me."
• "I hear you." (My daughter's favourite!)
  

Clarifying questions

Can you ask questions? Of course - provided they're not leading or challenging. Avoid questions like these:

• "Don't you think...?"
• "What about...?"
• "Have you considered...?"
  

Instead, use questions to clarify:

• "Okay. Tell me if I got this right."
• "You lost me when you said (fill in the blank). Can you say it again?"
  
• "I'm not sure I know what you mean. Can you explain?"

Using these two tools will benefit you and your teen. Use them for a few days and see what difference they make!

Note: These tools will improve all the rest of your relationships, too!

Just say no! - part 2

In the last post, we looked at Tony and Paula's dilemmas: to cave in to their teens' unreasonable demands and feel angry, or to not cave in and feel guilty.

Near the beginning of that post, I wrote: "...even when the results they get aren't the results they want. Or are they?"

They may be angry as a result of their choices, but they're satisfying something else that's even more important to them: their image of themselves as "good" parents.

Note: In this post, I am not talking about dealing with potentially explosive or violent situations. I'll cover that in another post.

Assumptions
What if Tony and Paula could find an alternative to feeling guilty or angry?

Let's look at what they're assuming.

Tony assumes that, as a good parent, it's his job to provide for Becky - and not just to provide what she needs (food, shelter, clothing), but to satisfy her every whim. He doesn't believe she can act on her own behalf to get what she wants.

Paula assumes that, as a good parent, it's her job to protect David. She doesn't believe he can take care of himself and be safe.

When their children were young, it was Tony and Paula's job to provide for them and protect them. But they didn't change gears! They're still responding to Becky and David's demands the way they did when they were children, and they didn't shift from providing and protecting to preparing their teens to be self-sufficient.

Good parents make clear what they and others will do and what their teens have to do for themselves. (Glasser, Choice Theory, p. 59)

The solution
1. Step back from the drama and buy yourself some time to reflect: "If you need an answer now, the answer's no. If you can wait a few minutes, the answer's maybe."

2. Ask yourself these crucial questions:

• Am I providing something that my teen should be providing for herself?
• Who's working harder here to get her what she wants - her or me?
• Whose problem is it? Whose job is it to solve it?
• Is this something she needs, or something she wants?
• Am I providing, protecting or preparing him?
• How can I help him take care of this himself?
• If I cave, am I sacrificing my teen's long-term growth for my short-term peace of mind?

3. Foster self-reliance: "I know you want an iPod. What do you think you could do to get one?" "I know you're stranded. What do you think can you do about it?" Instead of solving the problem for them, begin to offer the support and encouragement they need to solve it for themselves.

4. Have faith in them: "I know you can work this out." "You're very resourceful. I know you can solve this."

In the next post, we'll explore when your opinion matters. Feel free to share your thoughts about this!

Just say no! - Part 1

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Seems reasonable, too. So why is it so difficult?

This one has puzzled me for a while. Parents who say they know they should say no, and insist they want to say no, still say yes – even when the results they get aren’t the results they want.

Or are they?

Consider these two stories:

Tony's story
After a hectic week, Tony had been looking forward to a quiet Friday night at home. But instead, at his daughter’s insistence, he spent his evening driving around looking for an iPod for Becky. He returned, exhausted but victorious, some hours later – only to be told he’d bought the wrong one. Not only didn’t Becky not appreciate his efforts; she was ungrateful and critical – and he was furious. Tony realized he had found himself caught between a rock and a hard place:

• The rock: If he had chosen not to go shopping for an iPod, his daughter would have been deeply disappointed and he would have felt guilty—“bad father.”

• The hard place: Since he inconvenienced himself to do Becky’s running around for her, he got to be the “good father”—but felt angry, bitter and resentful, and said he actually hated her for what she had “made him do.”

Paula's story
Paula’s 18-year-old son David was going out of town with some friends for the weekend, and he asked her if she’d pick him up Sunday night. She said no because she’d already made plans to spend the evening with friends. Sunday evening David called to say he had no way home, and could she please come and get him? So she cancelled her plans and drove for 1½ hours (each way) to pick him up – then lectured him all the way home. Paula felt caught in the same trap as Tony:

• The rock: If she’d followed through on her plans for the evening and left David to fend for himself, she would have felt guilty – “bad mother.”

• The hard place: Instead, she gave up an enjoyable evening with friends to be a “good mother” and rescue him – but was infuriated that, despite all she does for him, he continues to be inconsiderate and to take advantage of her.

So what’s going on here? What’s the solution to their Catch-22? What are they missing? And why did they both choose anger over guilt? Post your comments, and we’ll come back to this later in the week!

The Rice Experiment

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."

Here's an experiment to test whether or not that's true, whether our words - and perhaps even our thoughts and indifference - actually have any impact on others. Here are the instructions:

• Next time you make rice, make a bit extra, and put equal amounts of the cooked rice in three small, clean, sealed glass jars. (You can find glass jars with glass stoppers at the Dollar Store.) Place them where they're clearly visible. (I put mine on a small table in the kitchen.)
  

• Add any controls you like - e.g., for the sake of consistency, I placed them in the same location so they received equal amounts of light, heat, etc. and I was careful to put the same amount of cooked rice in each jar.
  

• Several times a day, or as often as you think of it, say "Thank you" to one of them, "You fool" to the second, and completely ignore the third. Let others in the house know what you're doing and invite them to participate. Alternately, set everyone in the house up with their own set of jars so you can all see if the results are consistent.
  

• If there are other unkind or judgemental thoughts you have about your teen, use one of those instead of "You fool" - e.g., "You'll never amount to anything, " "There's something wrong with you," "You just don't get it," etc.
  

• If you want to direct thoughts at the jars instead of actual words, go right ahead.
  

• Continue "talking" to your jars, and post your findings on the blog starting the last week in September. Let's see if there's anything to this!
  

I'm not going to spoil it for you by telling you what I observed the three times I did it, but I will say that Mike, who's the ultimate scientifically-minded critic, shook his head and said, "I can't explain it - but I also can't deny what I'm seeing."

By half-way through September, it should start to become apparent what this has to do with a critical step in taming alligators: changing hearts. Watch for upcoming posts! And have fun!

Terry Dobson - On a Tokyo Subway

A few years ago I read a powerful story of peaceful resolution that left a lasting impression with me: "Aikido in Action" by Terry Dobson. If you're looking to bring about a change of heart (yours and others) and not just a change of behaviour, I urge you to check it out. Click here to read Terry's story.

Terry Dobson was a dedicated student of Morihei Ueshiba (O Sensei to aikido students), the founder of aikido, and he spent many years studying with him in Japan. His story of an incident on a Tokyo subway epitomizes principles of both aikido and choice theory.

A friend introduced me to the concepts of aikido in 1971, but I didn't have an opportunity to learn and practice it until 1998.

I was introduced to choice theory in 2003, and was struck by the similarities between aikido and choice theory:

• Both seek peaceful, win-win resolution to conflict.
• Both respect self and other.
• Both use engaging instead of passive avoidance and blending instead of aggression.

"Aikido," literally translated, means "the way of harmony with universal energy":

• AI - harmony
• KI - spirit, mind or universal energy (the Japanese equivalent of "chi"), and
• DO - the Way.

Like its sister martial art, t'ai chi, aikido is an internal martial art. The focus is on mastery of self, not on harming or defeating an opponent.

O Sensei was a devout student of martial arts who, in 1919, met and was profoundly influenced by a spiritual teacher, Onisaburo Deguchi. According to Wikipedia:

"This was a great influence in Ueshiba's martial arts philosophy of extending love and compassion especially to those who seek to harm others. Aikido demonstrates this philosophy in its emphasis on mastering martial arts so that one may receive an attack and harmlessly redirect it. In an ideal resolution, not only is the receiver unharmed, but so is the attacker."

One of the best definitions I've found for aikido comes from www.massagetherapy.com:

"This non-competitive Japanese martial art aims to harmonize energy with that of a partner or opponent in order to achieve both physical and emotional mastery through peaceful resolution."

Here are some quotes by O Sensei:

"To injure an opponent is to injure yourself. To control aggression without inflicting injury is the Art of Peace."

"As soon as you concern yourself with the 'good' and 'bad' of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with and criticizing others weaken and defeat you."

"Aikido is the principle of non-resistance. Because it is non-resistant, it is victorious from the beginning. Those with evil intentions or contentious thoughts are instantly vanquished. Aikido is invinsible because it contends with nothing."

"There are no contests in the Art of Peace. A true warrior is invinsible because he or she contests with nothing. Defeat means to defeat the mind of contention that we harbor within."

"True victory does not come from defeating an enemy. True victory comes from giving love and changing an enemy's heart."

"Aikido is the art of reconciliation. To use it to enhance one's ego, to dominate other people, is to betray totally the purpose for which it is practiced. Our mission is to resolve conflict, not to generate it."

So what does this have to do with raising difficult teens? Everything! By applying aikido principles to parenting, we can learn to deflect psychological and physical attacks in a way that prevents harm to ourselves, to our teen, and to our relationship. We can change our focus from doing to to doing with, from mastery over others to mastery over self. Instead of asking, "What can I do to get this person to do what I want?" we can ask, "How can I help - myself, the other, and the situation?"

Terry Dobson's story introduces us to a true life whisperer, and demonstrates the power of leading with the heart instead of the head!

"I'm sorry!" - Part 2

So what’s a sincere apology? A sincere apology has three components:

• empathy – recognizing the impact of their actions on others (not just regretting getting caught!)
• amends – making up for the damage done, where possible
• resolve – having a plan to prevent it from happening again.
  

A sincere apology is demonstrated by change – even if that change is small at first.

We as a society have a mistaken belief that people must feel bad before they will behave better. This belief has resulted in four common strategies:

• Criticizing. Have you ever been on the receiving end of criticism? What was your response? If you’re like most of us, you became defensive and started explaining or justifying – even if only to yourself. Instead of bringing about the desired change, criticism further entrenches others in their behaviour.
  

• Blaming. Blame is designed to bring about change through guilt. The problem is that guilt doesn’t bring about a change of heart – or behaviour.
  

• Threatening. This is a “promise” of retaliation, and is designed to bring about change through fear. But fear doesn’t bring about a change of heart either.
  

• Punishing. “Punishment is a clever device that allows good people to do bad things without seeing themselves as evil.” (Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires) “Beatings will continue until morale improves.” ‘Nough said.
  

In fact, teens (and everyone else) will change when they feel safe, not when they feel bad. So if you use any of these four strategies–

• your teen will feel less empathetic,
• he’ll resent making restitution (if he does it at all), and
• his resolve will be around figuring out how not to get caught next time.
  

Here are some questions you can ask to help your teen feel safe enough to transform self-serving and meaningless apologies into sincere apologies:

• Empathy: What exactly are you apologizing for? What do you think you did that requires an apology? What was the result? Who was impacted?
  

• Amends: Now that it’s done, what (if anything) can you do to fix it? Is there something you can do to make up the damage? If that had been done to you, what would you want to have happen next?
  

• Resolve: If you had it to do over, is there anything you’d do differently? If a similar situation comes up in the future, how will you handle it?

"I'm sorry!" - What to say when they don't mean it

Apologies. They're as Canadian as saying, "Eh?" (Do we really do that?!) We're forever saying, "Sorry!" - even when someone runs into us with their shopping cart at the grocery store.

In an attempt to teach toddlers good manners, parents insist on these three sets of "magic words":

• "Say please."
• "Say thank you."
• "You say 'Sorry' right now!"

The problem arises when we don't teach them what it means to be sorry, not just say "Sorry."

There are two main types of apologies: sincere and insincere.

An insincere apology is a substitute for a conscience. The person apologizing may want to placate (e.g., get off the hook without being held accountable) or be absolved so they can feel better about behaving badly.

So what do you do with an insincere apology? Are you required to accept it, to forgive and forget, even though you know it's just empty words and there's been no change of heart?

You are not required to acept an insincere apology
or forgive anyone just because they ask you to!

Here's a true story:

A friend of mine, recently married, was struggling with an errant husband. Oh, he wasn't getting into any trouble. He was just a free spirit. So he would disappear after work, sometimes for hours, and was often absent when my friend returned home at the end of the day.

She asked him to take his cell phone with him. She asked him to at least leave a note letting her know what time he would be home. She begged. She pleaded. She reasoned. She argued. What if there was an emergency? What if something happened and she had to get hold of him? All to no avail.

Her husband had been raised to be polite, and so, when she would become upset with him, he would apologize. After all, that was the right thing to do.

Until the time it didn't work. Once again she berated him, and once again he apologized. Only this time, without even thinking about her response, she said, "I don't forgive you."

He was flabbergasted. "But you have to!" he insisted.

"No, I don't. You've been apologizing for months, but then you go and do the same thing again. I won't believe you mean it until I see it."

From that day forward, he left a note. And then, three months later, my friend approached him and said, "Now I accept your apology, because now I know you mean it!"

Next time your teen approaches you with crocodile tears of remorse (can I actually say that?!), try this: "Oh, that's okay. I don't need an apology. I'll know by what you do, not by what you say."

In the next instalment, we'll look at what constitutes a sincere apology, and how to help your teen experience a change of heart.

Disengage - Part 2

Some parents have commented that backing off and disengaging feels like giving up. But giving up and disengaging are two very different things. When you disengage, you're not surrendering. You're simply calling a truce.

If you're ever going to be successful at ending the war in your home, you'll need to disengage for long enough to get some perspective and let your thinking determine your actions instead of your feelings. But before that happens, you'll need to become aware of your thinking, and this tool is designed to help you do just that!

So the next step is managing your anxiety by learning to control your thinking.

What's your favourite way to worry?

• Do you stay up half the night pacing the floor, checking the clock, and listening for the door to open?
• Do you jump in your car and hit the road in the middle of the night on the off chance that you'll find your teen roaming the streets?
• Do you wake up other parents to see if your teen is there?
• Do you wake up your spouse and insist that he/she stay up and worry with you?
• Do you call hospitals and police stations to see if your teen's there?
• Or have you quit your job and given up your social life so you can stay home and worry more thoroughly?

There are two things that make worry difficult to manage:

• We think it's something that happens to us, not something we're doing.
• We think we're supposed to worry. ("What kind of parent would I be if I didn't worry?!")

Here's a technique that has worked well for many parents - and others - to get control of their worry and anxiety.

Schedule worry time.

1. First, you'll have to make a couple of decisions:

• When you want to worry.
• How long you want to worry for.

2. Write it in your daytimer or on your calendar. Be sure it's a time - and length of time - that you can commit to, and be sure you schedule it in every day.

3. Stick to it! If you catch yourself worrying at a time that is not your scheduled worry time, postpone it! Remind yourself that this isn't your worry time, and that you'll be able to worry to your heart's content as soon as your scheduled time arrives.

If it ever feels like you just can't put off worrying a moment longer, here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• "Is there anything I can do right now to improve the situation?" If yes, "Have I done that in the past? What result did I get?" If it's something new or something that's worked before, then stop worrying and just do it!
• "Has my worrying ever kept my alligator safe?"
• "What am I afraid will happen if I don't worry right now?"
• "I'm worried because I'm imaging the worst case scenario. But how likely is it that that's true? Could it be just as possible that my alligator is fine?"

Note: The purpose of this exercise is to help you take control of your thinking. It sounds simple, and it is. But it requires some work and diligence on your part!

Check in later in the week and let us know how you're doing!

"Honour" killings

If you've been following the news, you've likely heard about the three teenage girls and their "aunt" who were found dead in the family car at the bottom of the Rideau Canal in Kingston.

The family, who live in Montreal, had gone on a trip to Niagara Falls, and had stopped over in Kingston on their way home. The mother claimed her eldest daughter asked for the keys to get something out of the car before the family went to sleep that night, and then took the others on a joy ride, with tragic results. The police, however, saw it differently, and the husband, wife, and 18-year-old son are now all in custody, charged with 4 counts of first-degree murder and 4 counts of conspiracy to commit murder.

I don't normally follow news stories or blogs related to them, but this story piqued my interest because of the reference to "honour" killings: the reports suggest the eldest daughter was dating someone the family didn't approve of, and her sisters were becoming "too westernized" and bringing dishonour to the family.

This is an extreme case of a punitive model that I've seen too many parents buy into:

• The parents think their offspring's behaviour shames, disgraces, embarrasses or dishonours the family.

• The parents then believe they must either do something to the teen in order to redeem or protect their image, or do something to prevent the teen from further damaging the family's or parent's reputation.

This is not an eastern concept. This paradigm is universal, and stems from a deeply held belief that our image and reputation can be ruined by the behaviour of those who are close to us, and so we must control them - that "others" are an extension of us, not people in their own right:

• A mother stood by while someone bullied and humiliated her teen-age son for being disrespectful - and then blamed her son for "making her look bad."

• A father disowned his adult son when the son refused to take over the family business as planned, but instead struck out on his own and started his own - very successful and extremely satisfying - business as a drummer.

• A distraught mother grounded her son for skipping school: "The school calls and leaves messages every day. I'm so embarrassed. They must think I'm a terrible parent. Why is he doing this to me?!"

These attitudes are self-serving, and are more about looking good than doing good.

Here are two questions you can ask yourself before you punish your teen to defend your honour or your image:

If I do this, who will it benefit?

If I do this, who will it harm?

I'll end this with a story that a friend and colleague shared with me. It demonstrates beautifully how each person's reputation stands on its own merits:

I left the house one day, and as I was headed down the street, my daughter came to the door and began hurling obscenities and insults at me. Of course, it was a lovely summer day, and all the neighbours were out working in their gardens - and they could all hear her. I was mortified and embarrassed, but only for a moment, because I suddenly realized that this was her behaviour, not mine! What a relief! Because of that, I was able to greet and chat with neighbours, unperturbed by my daughter's rantings. And I realized that the neighbours' attitudes about me would be determined by my response (or lack thereof), not by what my daughter was saying.

How to safeguard your reputation: be calm, confident and cordial. And never do anything you can be blackmailed for!

I could have been an archaeologist...

I'm rapidly learning to love blogging! It has a few advantages over newsletters:

• Newsletters tend to be more formal and business-like, while blogs tend to be more informal and personal - which means I can share personal stories with you.
  

• Newsletters are a one-way flow of information, while blogs are interactive. Because you can respond and share your opinions and ask questions, we can actually develop a relationship with each other and with other readers.
  

So here's an event I wrote about back in 2002 - two years after my husband and I separated, and a few months before the s**t hit the fan:

I could have been an archaeologist. I could have been a lawyer. I could have been a psychiatrist. Instead, I became a mother. Interesting occupation, that, teetering between the ridiculous and the sublime. All those beatific paintings of Mother and Child with haloes above their heads - don't believe it for a minute. Not that those painters deliberately misrepresented what it is to be a mother, but they took it all a little too seriously and left out the comic aspect altogether.

Take last night, for example. Mike and I were spending a quiet evening together at his apartment. The kids had decided to make dinner for themselves, and I'd given them Mike's phone number and instructions to call in case of an emergency.

The demanding, disembodied voice of my 11-year-old daughter fills the room: "Hi, Mom? Pick up. (Pause.) Mom, if you're there, pick up. I need to know how much milk and butter to put in the mashed potatoes."

Some time later, my 23-year-old daughter's voice interjects: "Hi, Mom. Sorry to bother you, but Ben's mom has to give a speech tomorrow, and she needs a fishing joke. Remember the one you told me about the game warden and the guy with the dynamite...?"

Still later, my 14-year-old son's voice: "Mom? Hi. This is Andrew. Listen, did you take the bread with you? I've looked everywhere and I can't find it. I have to make a peanut butter and jam sandwich, 'cause Maddy ruined the mashed potatoes. No kidding. They're like plaster. They even stick to the walls."

Giving birth is an incredible, soul-shaking event, but that's not what will bring tears to my eyes when I'm sitting on the porch in my rocking chair at 90. And to think I could have been a pilot...

Disengage - Part 1

Welcome to my first ever blog! This is so exciting!

If you're anything like I was when my sons and daughters were young, your plan was just to raise your kids to be happy, healthy, responsible, independent adults.

And if you're anything like I was when some of them started running out of control, you're wondering how the hell you can even think about such lofty goals when you're struggling to keep your sanity and somehow hold things together.

(If you want some idea of how out of control my life was, read about it here!)

First some reassurance:

• There's nothing wrong with you.
• There's nothing wrong with your child.
• You're not alone.
• You're in the right place.
• I can help!
  

Let's get started!

The first thing you have to do when life with your teen is spiralling out of control is to take a step back. This is called "disengaging."

Disengaging does not mean disengaging from your kid. Disengaging means disengaging from power struggles and any discussion of "hot topics": chores, curfew, school and homework, violence, sibling rivalry, drugs, choice of friends, lack of motivation, house rules, lack of respect, etc.

For one week (or as long as you can stand), give yourself permission to not nag, remind or complain about any of the things your kid does that drive you crazy. Do this for one week only! Then get back to me and let me know how it went.

Most parents, when they hear this plan, say, "But that's like telling them it's okay to behave that way! They'll think I approve - AND I DON'T!"

Seriously? Do you really believe your kid doesn't know what you think?!

Chances are you've been nagging, reminding and complaining for quite some while now. What results are you getting?

Is there anything you can say at this point that you haven't already said 100 times before? If so, say it now and get it over with. Then get on with this plan. After all, you have nothing to lose by trying this, do you?

Note: I'm not asking you to commit to this for a lifetime. This is a one-week experiment. That's all. Keep breathing!

In the next instalment, I'll give you a simple remedy to help you reduce the greatest barrier to trying something new: worry.

And over the next few weeks, I'll introduce you to my kids (all 6 of them!) and, with their permission, post pictures of them.

Looking for a parent support group? If you live in the GTA, check out APSGO (The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario Inc.). This group saved my life and sanity. It's amazing!

I plan to update this blog regularly, so send questions and comments and stay tuned! I'm looking forward to hearing from you!