Just say no! - part 3

In the two previous blogs on "Just say no!" we looked at the beliefs that drive parents to say yes when they want to say no:

• My teen is helpless, incompetent and incapable of looking after him/herself.
• It's my job as the parent to protect them and provide for them.

But there's more to it than that. In the previous examples, Tony and Paula also said yes to avoid feeling guilty. And this may be equally, or even more, compelling.

Everything we do is our best attempt
to feel as good as we possibly can.

This is true even of things we dread or dislike: a visit to the dentist, surgery, paying taxes. Even though doing these things may not feel good at the time, we do them anyway because we know the result of not doing them will feel even worse!

We struggle with some parenting decisions because we think we only have two options - neither of which we want:

• When we say no, we feel guilty.
• When we say yes, we feel angry.

So what breaks the tie?

We feel guilty when we think we're wrong. Otherwise, we wouldn't feel guilty. And what could feel more wrong than abandoning or not providing for our children?

But we feel angry when we think someone else is wrong and we're right. When we feel angry, at least there's someone else we can blame!

• "He's always imposing on me."
• "She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her."
• "He's always taking advantage."
• "She doesn't treat her friends this way!"

Frankly, thinking we're right feels a whole lot better than thinking we're wrong. It's hard to feel self-righteous anger unless you can convince yourself it's someone else's fault.

Tony and Paula felt angry because they felt victimized by their teens. But in fact their teens didn't do anything to them. They volunteered!

The good news is that you don't have to choose between guilt and anger. You can choose something better - a better belief, a better perception, and a better feeling!

Feelings
It's almost impossible to change how you feel by simply deciding to change how you feel. (You know how helpful it is when someone says, "Cheer up!") But it's worthwhile to examine how you'd like to feel.

So how would you like to feel? How about curious? optimistic? trusting? adventurous? hopeful?

Beliefs
What could you believe - about yourself or your teen - that would help you feel that way?

• She's perfectly capable of getting anything she wants in life.
• He's perfectly capable of looking after himself.
• I've taught them values. Now it's up to them.
• She's very resourceful, and I know I can trust her to handle whatever comes up.
• He's becoming more discerning all the time.
• I'm glad they have the confidence to "Take chances! Make mistakes! Get dirty!" (Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus) and learn from their mistakes.
• I can help create a haven for them where it's safe for them to ask questions and to share their opinions, challenges, concerns - and triumphs.

Perceptions
I attended a workshop several years ago, and was flabbergasted when the presenter said, "I much prefer acting-out teens. They're much more interesting." Huh?! Is that possible?!

I went home and checked and, sure enough, my kids were very interesting! And suddenly that was a good thing!

What if you saw your teen as...

• a young adult instead of a confused, helpless and frustrating teen?
• an individual in his or her own right - as not belonging to you?
• a young person with unique needs and wants and dreams?
• someone on a journey of discovery?
• someone who's making mistakes so they can learn about themselves and the world?

Alternately...
And then, if you decide, against your better judgement, to go ahead and say yes anyway, recognize that you're doing it for yourself and make the best of it without criticizing, blaming, whining or complaining - or beating yourself up!