"I'm sorry!" - What to say when they don't mean it

Apologies. They're as Canadian as saying, "Eh?" (Do we really do that?!) We're forever saying, "Sorry!" - even when someone runs into us with their shopping cart at the grocery store.

In an attempt to teach toddlers good manners, parents insist on these three sets of "magic words":

• "Say please."
• "Say thank you."
• "You say 'Sorry' right now!"

The problem arises when we don't teach them what it means to be sorry, not just say "Sorry."

There are two main types of apologies: sincere and insincere.

An insincere apology is a substitute for a conscience. The person apologizing may want to placate (e.g., get off the hook without being held accountable) or be absolved so they can feel better about behaving badly.

So what do you do with an insincere apology? Are you required to accept it, to forgive and forget, even though you know it's just empty words and there's been no change of heart?

You are not required to acept an insincere apology
or forgive anyone just because they ask you to!

Here's a true story:

A friend of mine, recently married, was struggling with an errant husband. Oh, he wasn't getting into any trouble. He was just a free spirit. So he would disappear after work, sometimes for hours, and was often absent when my friend returned home at the end of the day.

She asked him to take his cell phone with him. She asked him to at least leave a note letting her know what time he would be home. She begged. She pleaded. She reasoned. She argued. What if there was an emergency? What if something happened and she had to get hold of him? All to no avail.

Her husband had been raised to be polite, and so, when she would become upset with him, he would apologize. After all, that was the right thing to do.

Until the time it didn't work. Once again she berated him, and once again he apologized. Only this time, without even thinking about her response, she said, "I don't forgive you."

He was flabbergasted. "But you have to!" he insisted.

"No, I don't. You've been apologizing for months, but then you go and do the same thing again. I won't believe you mean it until I see it."

From that day forward, he left a note. And then, three months later, my friend approached him and said, "Now I accept your apology, because now I know you mean it!"

Next time your teen approaches you with crocodile tears of remorse (can I actually say that?!), try this: "Oh, that's okay. I don't need an apology. I'll know by what you do, not by what you say."

In the next instalment, we'll look at what constitutes a sincere apology, and how to help your teen experience a change of heart.