3 things your kids need most

The things our children need to be happy and to become well-adjusted, responsible citizens aren't necessarily the things we think they need - or what they tell us they need.

So what do they need most?

Safety and security

You may be thinking a roof over their head, food on the table, a warm bed to sleep in, and clean clothes to wear.

Those are important when they're young, but become increasingly less important as they grow. What I'm talking about is feeling safe and secure with us.

I'm talking about trust. I'm talking about being the kind of people that our children can look up to and lean on and depend on. I'm talking about being trustworthy and reliable.

So what does this look like?

Children need to know that we're in charge - not that we're micromanaging their lives, but that we're in control of ourselves.

They need to know we're calmly and confidently in charge so they can see that life isn't too much for us to handle. Mainly they need to know that they aren't too much for us to handle - because if they are, then what hope is there for them?

In Parenting without Power Struggles, Susan Stiffelman uses the analogy of the captain of the ship. It's lovely if he strolls the decks, chatting with passengers, or joins you for dinner. But that's not what you count on him for. You count on him to get you safely to port - no matter what happens.

They also need to observe us going about our day - not being the object of our attention - because this is how they learn. What do they learn by watching us? They learn what our values are. They learn how to make a bed, how to cook, how to pay bills, how to drive a car, how to interact with others. They learn how to be happy, well-adjusted, responsible citizens. If they don't see it, they'll never know.

Connection

Our children also need a deep and meaningful connection with us - attachment. They need to know that they're welcome to exist in our presence. They need a smile, a greeting when they walk in the room. They need to know we're happy to see them and that we enjoy having them near us. As Gordon Neufeld points out, they must never have to work for our love. They must be able to rest in it.

They also need to know that we have things in common, that apart from our differences, there are things about us that are the same. Celebrate that sameness, whether it's in food, music, movies, or books.

As the attachment deepens, they need to know that we're on their side and that they're significant, that they matter, that their opinions count for something. Ask them what they think about a news story. Ask them to teach you how to do something.

Truly deep and meaningful  attachment comes from being known. It's that sense of feeling so safe with someone, so connected with them, that you want them to know everything about you.

Think they get this from their peers? Think again! Appearances to the contrary, you are the most important, most influential person in their lives. Peers may be fun to hang around with, but they can never provide the meaningful connection your kids can experience with you.

Trust

If your child or teen is particularly difficult, you may be tempted to stop here. Please don't. The payoff is too great!

I'm not talking about whether you can trust your son to tell you the truth or trust your daughter not to steal from you. I'm talking about something much deeper than that.

I'm talking about trusting them to be able to figure things out, to learn from their mistakes. I'm talking about trusting that they've been watching you all these years and learning from you - not from what you've said to them, but from what they've observed. I'm talking about trusting that they want to cooperate with you, that they want to contribute, to be part of the tribe.

I won't go into this at length here because it's already covered in the post on Expectations - Why they're always being met. And there will be lots more to come!

Amish Wisdom: Attachment and Connection

Martha and Isaac's daughter Rachel and her husband had just bought a new farm, and there was to be a barn raising. And so on a cloudy, cool fall day, I drove Martha, Ruth, Paul, and Jonas to Rachel's house to help out for the day. The trunk was loaded with food, and everyone was in high spirits.

The plan was for me to drop them off, then pick them up later that day. But Martha insisted that I meet everyone first. And from the moment I saw them, I couldn't take my eyes off Rachel and her brood. They were utterly captivating. I don't think I've ever seen such a calm, happy, peaceful family.

Rachel chatted with us for a few minutes before giving us a tour of her new farm. And her children, ranging in age from about 18 months to 12 years, orbited her like planets around the sun. They were all shy, curious, and polite, all smiling, all basking in Rachel's warmth. She paid them little mind; nor did she ignore them.

It wasn't anything she actually did; it was more an attitude. She didn't regard them as a nuisance, and she didn't shoo them away. Rather, she welcomed them and included them in her comings and goings. They were an integral part of her tribe. And so it seemed the most natural thing in the world that, confronted with someone new, they would watch their mother and take their cues from her.

The children gathered around us, none of them interrupting or vying for attention or acting up. They were all calm and peaceful and happy - just like their mother. And perhaps because they weren't the centre of attention, they were free to wander around with us and observe us.

Rachel exuded an air of competence, confidence, and industriousness. Despite getting settled into a new farm, raising 6 kids, running a household, tending to 50 calves, canning peaches - because it was that most glorious time of the early fall, peach season! - and now hosting a barn raising, she was cheerful, unperturbed, and calm. And her children followed suit.

I'd seen the same dynamics in Martha and Isaac's home, but assumed it was because Paul and Jonas and Ruth are all adults. When I looked more closely, I noticed a warmth and camaraderie among all of them. They are unfailingly kind to each other and show a genuine fondness for one another. I don't believe any of them has ever said, "I love you." And I don't believe it was ever necessary.

This connectedness includes everyone in the household. When I arrived to take Martha to the hospital one day, she was in a lot of pain. And Isaac helped her into the car with the same gentle, tender care and concern he might have shown when they were courting 50 years ago.

Someone once said, "Home is where you go when you're tired of being nice to people." For the Amish, home is the heart of their tribe, of their community, and they value and are deeply attached to every member in it. They are with the people who know them best - and love them anyway.

Attachment - From proximity to being known

All influence is dependent on the strength of the relationship, on how attached we are to someone and how attached they are to us. And attachment maps in beautifully with everything Glasser says about our need for love and belonging, and how to remain in - or regain entry into - our teen's quality world.

Here's an overview of how we can attach (or re-attach) to our difficult teens.

Proximity

Proximity is our physical sense of another through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Proximity would include being in the same room with someone, giving them a hug, phoning them, even sending them a card, a letter, or an email. When you're in proximity with someone, you know they see you and hear you.

Sameness

When we feel close to others, we seek to be like them, to emulate and imitate them, and to share those things we both like - or dislike. What do you have in common with your teen? Surely there's something! Find those things you both like - whether it's food, movies, books, fashion, philosophy, or politics - and focus on those.

Belonging and Loyalty

Teens need to know they belong, and that we have their backs. This isn't the same as rescuing them every time they get in trouble. It means being there for them, understanding their point of view (whether or not we agree), coming alongside them, and standing up for them.

Significance

Like everyone else, teens need to know they're valued, that their lives count for something, that they're important. This is how we help our teens responsibly meet their need for power. Consult them. Ask their opinion - and listen! Find out what they think.

Feeling

The emotional component to attachment is warm, loving, affectionate feelings - emotional intimacy, falling in love. But falling in love is dangerous, because your heart can be broken. In order for our teens to be emotionally open and vulnerable, we must first demonstrate unconditional love and acceptance. So what is unconditional love? It is love that is unqualified, unreserved, and unrestricted. It is wholehearted.

Being Known

Opening up enough to be known is risky business. Like proximity, it involves being seen and heard, but on a psychological level. Our children and teens will only open up to us and allow us to know them if they feel absolutely safe with us. There is no intimacy greater than being known for who we are, and no security greater than knowing we are liked, accepted, and welcomed just the way we are.

The next post will delve into why your children and teens need you more than they need peers!

Attachment - The relationship is everything

My daughter, son-in-law, and grandson James lived with us for a year or so. When James and I were in love with each other, there's nothing he wouldn't do with or for me. And when he wasn't in love with me, he wouldn't give me the time of day.

If you've attended APSGO (The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario, Inc.), you've likely heard this expression:

The solution is never in the problem.

The solution is always in the relationship.

William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, says that in order to be happy, we need at least one happy person in our lives.

While both of these are correct, I don't think either goes far enough. Not only do we need at least one happy person in our lives, but we need a deep and meaningful relationship with at least one happy person.
 
According to Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold on to Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, kids and teens won't cooperate with us unless they feel firmly attached to us. And this may extend to the rest of our relationships as well.

This isn't sheer obstinacy. We're actually hard-wired to resist direction from people we're not attached to because it keeps us safe. This is why  a 3-year-old will say, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother!" or "You're not the boss of me!" What this means is, "I'm not attached to you. You're not part of my tribe." (Of course, this can be overridden with enough force, but that's another post.)

In a TVO Parents lecture, Neufeld says (and I'm paraphrasing):

A child (or teen) won't cooperate with you until they've given you their heart.

So how do we attach (or re-attach) to our teens? Neufeld outlines 6 levels of attachment:

• Proximity
• Sameness
• Belonging/Loyalty
• Significance
• Feeling
• Being known

And it's this attachment that gives our teens both roots and wings.

Glasser discusses this in terms of quality world. We each have a quality world which contains pictures of all the people, things, and belief systems that we value and want most. Why do we want them? Because they satisfy our basic needs for survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and discovery. We believe, if we have them, we'll be happy.

So in Choice Theory terms:

A child (or teen) won't cooperate with you unless you're in their quality world.

I'll work through some of these ideas with you in the next few posts. And maybe we can end up with teens who not only cooperate with us, but who want to cooperate with us!