Disengage - Part 2

Some parents have commented that backing off and disengaging feels like giving up. But giving up and disengaging are two very different things. When you disengage, you're not surrendering. You're simply calling a truce.

If you're ever going to be successful at ending the war in your home, you'll need to disengage for long enough to get some perspective and let your thinking determine your actions instead of your feelings. But before that happens, you'll need to become aware of your thinking, and this tool is designed to help you do just that!

So the next step is managing your anxiety by learning to control your thinking.

What's your favourite way to worry?

• Do you stay up half the night pacing the floor, checking the clock, and listening for the door to open?
• Do you jump in your car and hit the road in the middle of the night on the off chance that you'll find your teen roaming the streets?
• Do you wake up other parents to see if your teen is there?
• Do you wake up your spouse and insist that he/she stay up and worry with you?
• Do you call hospitals and police stations to see if your teen's there?
• Or have you quit your job and given up your social life so you can stay home and worry more thoroughly?

There are two things that make worry difficult to manage:

• We think it's something that happens to us, not something we're doing.
• We think we're supposed to worry. ("What kind of parent would I be if I didn't worry?!")

Here's a technique that has worked well for many parents - and others - to get control of their worry and anxiety.

Schedule worry time.

1. First, you'll have to make a couple of decisions:

• When you want to worry.
• How long you want to worry for.

2. Write it in your daytimer or on your calendar. Be sure it's a time - and length of time - that you can commit to, and be sure you schedule it in every day.

3. Stick to it! If you catch yourself worrying at a time that is not your scheduled worry time, postpone it! Remind yourself that this isn't your worry time, and that you'll be able to worry to your heart's content as soon as your scheduled time arrives.

If it ever feels like you just can't put off worrying a moment longer, here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• "Is there anything I can do right now to improve the situation?" If yes, "Have I done that in the past? What result did I get?" If it's something new or something that's worked before, then stop worrying and just do it!
• "Has my worrying ever kept my alligator safe?"
• "What am I afraid will happen if I don't worry right now?"
• "I'm worried because I'm imaging the worst case scenario. But how likely is it that that's true? Could it be just as possible that my alligator is fine?"

Note: The purpose of this exercise is to help you take control of your thinking. It sounds simple, and it is. But it requires some work and diligence on your part!

Check in later in the week and let us know how you're doing!