Six Things: A simple formula for creating healthy boundaries

Everybody knows what boundaries are:

Boundaries are limits I set
on other people's behaviour
that I expect them to respect and adhere to.

And every parent knows the language:

• "You can't ask for more money."
• "Don't ask me for a drive when I'm in the middle of making dinner."
• "Don't phone me after 11:00 at night."

But if these are the kind of boundaries you set, you're in for trouble, because you can't enforce them. They'll only work if others respect them, so you really have no control over them.

Here's an alternate definition of boundaries:

Boundaries are limits I set
on my own behaviour
that I respect and adhere to.

Compare these to the list above:

• "I'll give you this much money every week - this, and no more."
• "I won't drive you anywhere when I'm in the middle of making dinner."
• "I won't answer the phone after 11:00 at night."

Now you have clear boundaries that don't depend on anyone else for their success!

Fortunately, William Glasser has created a simple tool called "Six Things" that will put you back in control of your boundaries and let others know what they can - and can't - expect from you. Here's what you and others need to know about you in order for you to get along:

1.  Who you are.

2.  What you stand for.

3.  What you will do for and with them.

4.  What you will not do for them.

5.  What you will ask them to do.

6.  What you will not ask them to do.

This is a very simple, very powerful formula that you can use to set boundaries with anyone - but it does require some work and some thought. And you might want to consider leaving items off that you know you won't follow through on!

How to say "No!"

One mother I know is frequently abused by her kids: insults, swearing, verbal abuse, unreasonable demands, bullying - you name it, they've done it.

This can be a difficult cycle to break. Although none of us likes abuse, like anything else, we can become accustomed to it - and accustomed to ineffective ways of dealing with it.

So I was very interested to hear how she began to break the cycle. Here's a conversation she had with her abusive daughter:

I was out picking up groceries when my daughter called. "Mom, bring me back McDonald's!"

"Honey, I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

"For giving you the wrong impression."

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

"Well, clearly I've given you the impression that you can swear at me, threaten me and abuse me, and expect that I'll still buy you McDonald's, and I want to apologize for that."

She swore at me, then hung up.

I was impressed by how calm, confident and respectful she was throughout the exchange. It's likely not the end - but it's certainly a good start!

Another mom shared this story:

My daughter asked me to buy her cigarettes. I replied, "I will never buy anything that will contribute to the death of my child." And she never asked again!

Many years ago, when my oldest son was most challenging, I was having a particularly difficult day with him. That evening, he asked me to drive him somewhere, and I said no. When he asked why, I said, "Because if I were to do that, I'd feel bitter and resentful, and that wouldn't be good for my relationship with you." No idea where that came from, but it worked! He stood there speechless, then turned and walked away.

Share your best "No!" moments with us. What worked best for you?

Just say no! - part 3

In the two previous blogs on "Just say no!" we looked at the beliefs that drive parents to say yes when they want to say no:

• My teen is helpless, incompetent and incapable of looking after him/herself.
• It's my job as the parent to protect them and provide for them.

But there's more to it than that. In the previous examples, Tony and Paula also said yes to avoid feeling guilty. And this may be equally, or even more, compelling.

Everything we do is our best attempt
to feel as good as we possibly can.

This is true even of things we dread or dislike: a visit to the dentist, surgery, paying taxes. Even though doing these things may not feel good at the time, we do them anyway because we know the result of not doing them will feel even worse!

We struggle with some parenting decisions because we think we only have two options - neither of which we want:

• When we say no, we feel guilty.
• When we say yes, we feel angry.

So what breaks the tie?

We feel guilty when we think we're wrong. Otherwise, we wouldn't feel guilty. And what could feel more wrong than abandoning or not providing for our children?

But we feel angry when we think someone else is wrong and we're right. When we feel angry, at least there's someone else we can blame!

• "He's always imposing on me."
• "She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her."
• "He's always taking advantage."
• "She doesn't treat her friends this way!"

Frankly, thinking we're right feels a whole lot better than thinking we're wrong. It's hard to feel self-righteous anger unless you can convince yourself it's someone else's fault.

Tony and Paula felt angry because they felt victimized by their teens. But in fact their teens didn't do anything to them. They volunteered!

The good news is that you don't have to choose between guilt and anger. You can choose something better - a better belief, a better perception, and a better feeling!

Feelings
It's almost impossible to change how you feel by simply deciding to change how you feel. (You know how helpful it is when someone says, "Cheer up!") But it's worthwhile to examine how you'd like to feel.

So how would you like to feel? How about curious? optimistic? trusting? adventurous? hopeful?

Beliefs
What could you believe - about yourself or your teen - that would help you feel that way?

• She's perfectly capable of getting anything she wants in life.
• He's perfectly capable of looking after himself.
• I've taught them values. Now it's up to them.
• She's very resourceful, and I know I can trust her to handle whatever comes up.
• He's becoming more discerning all the time.
• I'm glad they have the confidence to "Take chances! Make mistakes! Get dirty!" (Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus) and learn from their mistakes.
• I can help create a haven for them where it's safe for them to ask questions and to share their opinions, challenges, concerns - and triumphs.

Perceptions
I attended a workshop several years ago, and was flabbergasted when the presenter said, "I much prefer acting-out teens. They're much more interesting." Huh?! Is that possible?!

I went home and checked and, sure enough, my kids were very interesting! And suddenly that was a good thing!

What if you saw your teen as...

• a young adult instead of a confused, helpless and frustrating teen?
• an individual in his or her own right - as not belonging to you?
• a young person with unique needs and wants and dreams?
• someone on a journey of discovery?
• someone who's making mistakes so they can learn about themselves and the world?

Alternately...
And then, if you decide, against your better judgement, to go ahead and say yes anyway, recognize that you're doing it for yourself and make the best of it without criticizing, blaming, whining or complaining - or beating yourself up!

Just say no! - part 2

In the last post, we looked at Tony and Paula's dilemmas: to cave in to their teens' unreasonable demands and feel angry, or to not cave in and feel guilty.

Near the beginning of that post, I wrote: "...even when the results they get aren't the results they want. Or are they?"

They may be angry as a result of their choices, but they're satisfying something else that's even more important to them: their image of themselves as "good" parents.

Note: In this post, I am not talking about dealing with potentially explosive or violent situations. I'll cover that in another post.

Assumptions
What if Tony and Paula could find an alternative to feeling guilty or angry?

Let's look at what they're assuming.

Tony assumes that, as a good parent, it's his job to provide for Becky - and not just to provide what she needs (food, shelter, clothing), but to satisfy her every whim. He doesn't believe she can act on her own behalf to get what she wants.

Paula assumes that, as a good parent, it's her job to protect David. She doesn't believe he can take care of himself and be safe.

When their children were young, it was Tony and Paula's job to provide for them and protect them. But they didn't change gears! They're still responding to Becky and David's demands the way they did when they were children, and they didn't shift from providing and protecting to preparing their teens to be self-sufficient.

Good parents make clear what they and others will do and what their teens have to do for themselves. (Glasser, Choice Theory, p. 59)

The solution
1. Step back from the drama and buy yourself some time to reflect: "If you need an answer now, the answer's no. If you can wait a few minutes, the answer's maybe."

2. Ask yourself these crucial questions:

• Am I providing something that my teen should be providing for herself?
• Who's working harder here to get her what she wants - her or me?
• Whose problem is it? Whose job is it to solve it?
• Is this something she needs, or something she wants?
• Am I providing, protecting or preparing him?
• How can I help him take care of this himself?
• If I cave, am I sacrificing my teen's long-term growth for my short-term peace of mind?

3. Foster self-reliance: "I know you want an iPod. What do you think you could do to get one?" "I know you're stranded. What do you think can you do about it?" Instead of solving the problem for them, begin to offer the support and encouragement they need to solve it for themselves.

4. Have faith in them: "I know you can work this out." "You're very resourceful. I know you can solve this."

In the next post, we'll explore when your opinion matters. Feel free to share your thoughts about this!

Just say no! - Part 1

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Seems reasonable, too. So why is it so difficult?

This one has puzzled me for a while. Parents who say they know they should say no, and insist they want to say no, still say yes – even when the results they get aren’t the results they want.

Or are they?

Consider these two stories:

Tony's story
After a hectic week, Tony had been looking forward to a quiet Friday night at home. But instead, at his daughter’s insistence, he spent his evening driving around looking for an iPod for Becky. He returned, exhausted but victorious, some hours later – only to be told he’d bought the wrong one. Not only didn’t Becky not appreciate his efforts; she was ungrateful and critical – and he was furious. Tony realized he had found himself caught between a rock and a hard place:

• The rock: If he had chosen not to go shopping for an iPod, his daughter would have been deeply disappointed and he would have felt guilty—“bad father.”

• The hard place: Since he inconvenienced himself to do Becky’s running around for her, he got to be the “good father”—but felt angry, bitter and resentful, and said he actually hated her for what she had “made him do.”

Paula's story
Paula’s 18-year-old son David was going out of town with some friends for the weekend, and he asked her if she’d pick him up Sunday night. She said no because she’d already made plans to spend the evening with friends. Sunday evening David called to say he had no way home, and could she please come and get him? So she cancelled her plans and drove for 1½ hours (each way) to pick him up – then lectured him all the way home. Paula felt caught in the same trap as Tony:

• The rock: If she’d followed through on her plans for the evening and left David to fend for himself, she would have felt guilty – “bad mother.”

• The hard place: Instead, she gave up an enjoyable evening with friends to be a “good mother” and rescue him – but was infuriated that, despite all she does for him, he continues to be inconsiderate and to take advantage of her.

So what’s going on here? What’s the solution to their Catch-22? What are they missing? And why did they both choose anger over guilt? Post your comments, and we’ll come back to this later in the week!