"Honour" killings

If you've been following the news, you've likely heard about the three teenage girls and their "aunt" who were found dead in the family car at the bottom of the Rideau Canal in Kingston.

The family, who live in Montreal, had gone on a trip to Niagara Falls, and had stopped over in Kingston on their way home. The mother claimed her eldest daughter asked for the keys to get something out of the car before the family went to sleep that night, and then took the others on a joy ride, with tragic results. The police, however, saw it differently, and the husband, wife, and 18-year-old son are now all in custody, charged with 4 counts of first-degree murder and 4 counts of conspiracy to commit murder.

I don't normally follow news stories or blogs related to them, but this story piqued my interest because of the reference to "honour" killings: the reports suggest the eldest daughter was dating someone the family didn't approve of, and her sisters were becoming "too westernized" and bringing dishonour to the family.

This is an extreme case of a punitive model that I've seen too many parents buy into:

• The parents think their offspring's behaviour shames, disgraces, embarrasses or dishonours the family.

• The parents then believe they must either do something to the teen in order to redeem or protect their image, or do something to prevent the teen from further damaging the family's or parent's reputation.

This is not an eastern concept. This paradigm is universal, and stems from a deeply held belief that our image and reputation can be ruined by the behaviour of those who are close to us, and so we must control them - that "others" are an extension of us, not people in their own right:

• A mother stood by while someone bullied and humiliated her teen-age son for being disrespectful - and then blamed her son for "making her look bad."

• A father disowned his adult son when the son refused to take over the family business as planned, but instead struck out on his own and started his own - very successful and extremely satisfying - business as a drummer.

• A distraught mother grounded her son for skipping school: "The school calls and leaves messages every day. I'm so embarrassed. They must think I'm a terrible parent. Why is he doing this to me?!"

These attitudes are self-serving, and are more about looking good than doing good.

Here are two questions you can ask yourself before you punish your teen to defend your honour or your image:

If I do this, who will it benefit?

If I do this, who will it harm?

I'll end this with a story that a friend and colleague shared with me. It demonstrates beautifully how each person's reputation stands on its own merits:

I left the house one day, and as I was headed down the street, my daughter came to the door and began hurling obscenities and insults at me. Of course, it was a lovely summer day, and all the neighbours were out working in their gardens - and they could all hear her. I was mortified and embarrassed, but only for a moment, because I suddenly realized that this was her behaviour, not mine! What a relief! Because of that, I was able to greet and chat with neighbours, unperturbed by my daughter's rantings. And I realized that the neighbours' attitudes about me would be determined by my response (or lack thereof), not by what my daughter was saying.

How to safeguard your reputation: be calm, confident and cordial. And never do anything you can be blackmailed for!