Just say no! - Part 1

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Seems reasonable, too. So why is it so difficult?

This one has puzzled me for a while. Parents who say they know they should say no, and insist they want to say no, still say yes – even when the results they get aren’t the results they want.

Or are they?

Consider these two stories:

Tony's story
After a hectic week, Tony had been looking forward to a quiet Friday night at home. But instead, at his daughter’s insistence, he spent his evening driving around looking for an iPod for Becky. He returned, exhausted but victorious, some hours later – only to be told he’d bought the wrong one. Not only didn’t Becky not appreciate his efforts; she was ungrateful and critical – and he was furious. Tony realized he had found himself caught between a rock and a hard place:

• The rock: If he had chosen not to go shopping for an iPod, his daughter would have been deeply disappointed and he would have felt guilty—“bad father.”

• The hard place: Since he inconvenienced himself to do Becky’s running around for her, he got to be the “good father”—but felt angry, bitter and resentful, and said he actually hated her for what she had “made him do.”

Paula's story
Paula’s 18-year-old son David was going out of town with some friends for the weekend, and he asked her if she’d pick him up Sunday night. She said no because she’d already made plans to spend the evening with friends. Sunday evening David called to say he had no way home, and could she please come and get him? So she cancelled her plans and drove for 1½ hours (each way) to pick him up – then lectured him all the way home. Paula felt caught in the same trap as Tony:

• The rock: If she’d followed through on her plans for the evening and left David to fend for himself, she would have felt guilty – “bad mother.”

• The hard place: Instead, she gave up an enjoyable evening with friends to be a “good mother” and rescue him – but was infuriated that, despite all she does for him, he continues to be inconsiderate and to take advantage of her.

So what’s going on here? What’s the solution to their Catch-22? What are they missing? And why did they both choose anger over guilt? Post your comments, and we’ll come back to this later in the week!