Amish Wisdom: Shunning

As my friendship with Martha has deepened over the last couple of years, I've come to know her values and what she stands for. And this has made it easier to ask what might otherwise be awkward questions.

I haven't had a TV in my home since June 2000, but even I have heard of Breaking Amish. And I have city friends who know I have Amish friends, and they wanted to know what the scoop was with this.

I know at least one of Martha and Isaac's kids left the Amish church and the Amish way of life. And from what I'd seen, it made no difference. They were as close as ever. So one day when Martha and I were out running errands, I asked her about it.

"Martha, I've heard that, if the kids leave the Amish way of life, their families and communities won't have anything to do with them. Is that true?"

"No. I don't know what they do in the States, but that doesn't happen much  here. Oh, some do, but most don't. Some people have this idea that if they disown them, the kids will come back, but from what I've seen, that just backfires. The kids feel hurt and dig in their heels and never come back. But the only people who seem to go that way are the ones who are trying to prove they're right."

There are degrees of leaving the Amish life. All Martha's kids are grown now and most are elsewhere (but relatively close by) raising families of their own. And not all have remained Old Order Amish. Most hold fast to many of the Amish traditions, beliefs, values, and dress, but have incorporated hydro, cell phones, and a car into their lives. Barns are still raised by a team of friends and neighbours. Laundry is still hung on the line to dry. And fields are still ploughed with horses.

One son has left the Amish ways completely. He runs his own business, and his household uses an electric stove and washer and dryer and has a TV. He also lives right next door to Martha and Isaac. In fact, their houses are attached. He's attentive and respectful with them, and still goes to Isaac for advice.

It's clear, from everything Martha has said and from everything I've observed, that, for them, the relationship is paramount and is the root of everything.

Amish Wisdom: What Amish kids (seem to) know

I am not an authority on the Amish way of life or Amish children. And I'm sure my Amish friends aren't representative of all Amish everywhere. But I have observed their family at work and at play, as well as their grown children's families, and I was struck by how calm, cheerful, and present the children were. Based on interactions I've seen over the past two years and on discussions I've had with Martha about their values, here's what I've surmised:

• Amish children know that they belong, that they're valued, and that they're welcome in their families and their community.

• Amish children know that the adults are in charge - of day-to-day situations and of themselves.

• Amish children know how to play and have fun.

• Amish children know they're useful and can make meaningful contributions.

• Amish children know how to cooperate because everyone in their community cooperates.

• Amish children know how to be friendly because everyone is friendly with them.

• Amish children know the sun doesn't revolve around them.

• Amish children know what's expected from them. Unlike most children, there's no disconnect between what they're told is expected from them and what's actually expected from them. (This will be covered in a separate post!)

• Amish children know their parents say what they mean and mean what they say, so they trust them.

• Amish children know how to get along in the world by watching their parents.

• Amish children know they can develop mastery and competence.

• Amish children know that the adults in their lives will teach them what they need to learn.

• Amish children know their parents will always be on their side.

• Amish children know their parents won't do for them what they can do for themselves.

• Amish children know that "what the situation requires" trumps "what I want".

What if their happiness is a by-product of all of these?

Amish Wisdom - Living with disabiities

The first time I ever laid eyes on Ruth, she was sitting on a rocking chair in the dining room reading her Bible. That's the only time I ever saw her not in motion.

Ruth, now in her 40s, lives with her parents, Martha and Isaac. Martha says, "I don't know how I'd manage without her," and I understand why. Any time I've stopped by, Ruth is cleaning up or washing dishes, helping with laundry or canning, sweeping or washing floors, or, if the weather's nice, out weeding in the garden for hours on end. If she can't find anything else to do, she's swatting flies. And all her work is deliberate and purposeful.

And Ruth doesn't wait to be told what to do. For the most part, she knows what needs to be done and does it. She likes to be busy, and she likes order. She doesn't even like garbage on the side of the road. One day she came over to pick something up from me, and her wagon was filled with garbage. When I asked her about it, she said, "Oh, I don't like garbage. I'll take it home and throw it out." Before taking her and Martha somewhere last summer, I didn't think to clean out the backseat of the car, and was embarrassed when she did it for me. And as she got out of the car with an armful of litter, she asked me, "You like garbage?" It wasn't a reproach. She just wondered.

She's also cheerful in her busyness. She and I have become friends, so when I come by, she stops whatever she's doing and rushes over, wreathed in smiles, for a hug. When I ask her how she is, her answer is always the same: "Oh, not too bad, not too bad!"

But Martha is not like other middle-aged women. She is developmentally delayed (I'd guess 8-10 years of age mentally). She also has visual impairment, hearing impairment, and speech impairment, and is already stooped. Yet she's treated the same as everyone else in the family. She participates in whatever is going on, and goes everywhere with Martha. In short, she is fully integrated into her community, and her life seems to be full and meaningful and satisfying.

Mike's twin brothers, also middle-aged and still living at home with their mother, are also developmentally delayed, with visual and speech impairment (I'd estimate 11-12 years of age). But their lives are very different from Ruth's.

They live in a town where they receive support from various agencies. Both hold (sort of) part-time jobs, and used to enjoy bowling. Several times a week, agency workers take them on small trips or shopping excursions and teach them how to cook simple meals. They are clearly the centre of attention, and seem to have no concept of what it is to be self-directed or to be of service to others. And because nothing else is expected of them, every spare minute is spent in their bedroom watching movies and eating whatever candy they've been able to smuggle into the house.

For Ruth, the focus is on her competencies and capabilities. For Mike's brothers, the focus is on their inadequacies.

For Ruth, the emphasis is on how she can help others. For Mike's brothers, the emphasis is on how others can help them.

The Amish life may be simple, but it's clearly anything but backward. They may be onto something.

Amish Wisdom: Attachment and Connection

Martha and Isaac's daughter Rachel and her husband had just bought a new farm, and there was to be a barn raising. And so on a cloudy, cool fall day, I drove Martha, Ruth, Paul, and Jonas to Rachel's house to help out for the day. The trunk was loaded with food, and everyone was in high spirits.

The plan was for me to drop them off, then pick them up later that day. But Martha insisted that I meet everyone first. And from the moment I saw them, I couldn't take my eyes off Rachel and her brood. They were utterly captivating. I don't think I've ever seen such a calm, happy, peaceful family.

Rachel chatted with us for a few minutes before giving us a tour of her new farm. And her children, ranging in age from about 18 months to 12 years, orbited her like planets around the sun. They were all shy, curious, and polite, all smiling, all basking in Rachel's warmth. She paid them little mind; nor did she ignore them.

It wasn't anything she actually did; it was more an attitude. She didn't regard them as a nuisance, and she didn't shoo them away. Rather, she welcomed them and included them in her comings and goings. They were an integral part of her tribe. And so it seemed the most natural thing in the world that, confronted with someone new, they would watch their mother and take their cues from her.

The children gathered around us, none of them interrupting or vying for attention or acting up. They were all calm and peaceful and happy - just like their mother. And perhaps because they weren't the centre of attention, they were free to wander around with us and observe us.

Rachel exuded an air of competence, confidence, and industriousness. Despite getting settled into a new farm, raising 6 kids, running a household, tending to 50 calves, canning peaches - because it was that most glorious time of the early fall, peach season! - and now hosting a barn raising, she was cheerful, unperturbed, and calm. And her children followed suit.

I'd seen the same dynamics in Martha and Isaac's home, but assumed it was because Paul and Jonas and Ruth are all adults. When I looked more closely, I noticed a warmth and camaraderie among all of them. They are unfailingly kind to each other and show a genuine fondness for one another. I don't believe any of them has ever said, "I love you." And I don't believe it was ever necessary.

This connectedness includes everyone in the household. When I arrived to take Martha to the hospital one day, she was in a lot of pain. And Isaac helped her into the car with the same gentle, tender care and concern he might have shown when they were courting 50 years ago.

Someone once said, "Home is where you go when you're tired of being nice to people." For the Amish, home is the heart of their tribe, of their community, and they value and are deeply attached to every member in it. They are with the people who know them best - and love them anyway.

What I learned about parenting from the Amish

Since moving to the country, we've been blessed with Amish neighbours who have become good friends. Martha and Isaac live just down the road from us with two adult sons and an adult daughter. A younger son lives next door. And they had a lot of children.

Martha and Isaac are Old Order Amish. This means no hydro, no cell phones, and no car. (Well, no hydro until they're son - no longer Amish - had it installed while they were gone for a year. But they don't ue it.)

We've spent a fair bit of time with Martha and Isaac and their family, as well and driving them around and meeting their grown children and grandchildren. I knew there was a difference in how they regard children, but it took me a couple of years to begin to appreciate what those differences are - and why it matters in the work I do with parents.

All the Amish I've met have these things in common: they're cheerful, industrious, charitable, good natured, kind hearted, generous, helpful, resourceful, self-sufficient, honest, forthright, and fair. They're devout, but respect others' beliefs. And they are loathe to be beholden to anyone for anything.

(It may be that all Amish are like this. Or it may be that we were just lucky!)

It took a while to negotiate a barter system with them. They were quite insistent on paying for our gas and time if we drove them anywhere. We finally convinced them that we believe that's what neighbours do, and that if we needed their help, we'd ask.

Over time, quite a bond has formed between us, and I see them more as family now than neighbours. We pick up groceries for them when we're in town and Isaac brings his team of horses over and ploughs the drive after it snows. We drive them to visit family and Martha and her daughter Ruth come over to help weed our vegetable garden. We visit each other, break bread together, share stories, and laugh together.

Over the next few posts, I'll share what I've learned from them about parenting. There's a practical, down-to-earth wisdom in all they do, and parenting is no exception!