3 things your kids need most

The things our children need to be happy and to become well-adjusted, responsible citizens aren't necessarily the things we think they need - or what they tell us they need.

So what do they need most?

Safety and security

You may be thinking a roof over their head, food on the table, a warm bed to sleep in, and clean clothes to wear.

Those are important when they're young, but become increasingly less important as they grow. What I'm talking about is feeling safe and secure with us.

I'm talking about trust. I'm talking about being the kind of people that our children can look up to and lean on and depend on. I'm talking about being trustworthy and reliable.

So what does this look like?

Children need to know that we're in charge - not that we're micromanaging their lives, but that we're in control of ourselves.

They need to know we're calmly and confidently in charge so they can see that life isn't too much for us to handle. Mainly they need to know that they aren't too much for us to handle - because if they are, then what hope is there for them?

In Parenting without Power Struggles, Susan Stiffelman uses the analogy of the captain of the ship. It's lovely if he strolls the decks, chatting with passengers, or joins you for dinner. But that's not what you count on him for. You count on him to get you safely to port - no matter what happens.

They also need to observe us going about our day - not being the object of our attention - because this is how they learn. What do they learn by watching us? They learn what our values are. They learn how to make a bed, how to cook, how to pay bills, how to drive a car, how to interact with others. They learn how to be happy, well-adjusted, responsible citizens. If they don't see it, they'll never know.

Connection

Our children also need a deep and meaningful connection with us - attachment. They need to know that they're welcome to exist in our presence. They need a smile, a greeting when they walk in the room. They need to know we're happy to see them and that we enjoy having them near us. As Gordon Neufeld points out, they must never have to work for our love. They must be able to rest in it.

They also need to know that we have things in common, that apart from our differences, there are things about us that are the same. Celebrate that sameness, whether it's in food, music, movies, or books.

As the attachment deepens, they need to know that we're on their side and that they're significant, that they matter, that their opinions count for something. Ask them what they think about a news story. Ask them to teach you how to do something.

Truly deep and meaningful  attachment comes from being known. It's that sense of feeling so safe with someone, so connected with them, that you want them to know everything about you.

Think they get this from their peers? Think again! Appearances to the contrary, you are the most important, most influential person in their lives. Peers may be fun to hang around with, but they can never provide the meaningful connection your kids can experience with you.

Trust

If your child or teen is particularly difficult, you may be tempted to stop here. Please don't. The payoff is too great!

I'm not talking about whether you can trust your son to tell you the truth or trust your daughter not to steal from you. I'm talking about something much deeper than that.

I'm talking about trusting them to be able to figure things out, to learn from their mistakes. I'm talking about trusting that they've been watching you all these years and learning from you - not from what you've said to them, but from what they've observed. I'm talking about trusting that they want to cooperate with you, that they want to contribute, to be part of the tribe.

I won't go into this at length here because it's already covered in the post on Expectations - Why they're always being met. And there will be lots more to come!

Attachment - From proximity to being known

All influence is dependent on the strength of the relationship, on how attached we are to someone and how attached they are to us. And attachment maps in beautifully with everything Glasser says about our need for love and belonging, and how to remain in - or regain entry into - our teen's quality world.

Here's an overview of how we can attach (or re-attach) to our difficult teens.

Proximity

Proximity is our physical sense of another through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Proximity would include being in the same room with someone, giving them a hug, phoning them, even sending them a card, a letter, or an email. When you're in proximity with someone, you know they see you and hear you.

Sameness

When we feel close to others, we seek to be like them, to emulate and imitate them, and to share those things we both like - or dislike. What do you have in common with your teen? Surely there's something! Find those things you both like - whether it's food, movies, books, fashion, philosophy, or politics - and focus on those.

Belonging and Loyalty

Teens need to know they belong, and that we have their backs. This isn't the same as rescuing them every time they get in trouble. It means being there for them, understanding their point of view (whether or not we agree), coming alongside them, and standing up for them.

Significance

Like everyone else, teens need to know they're valued, that their lives count for something, that they're important. This is how we help our teens responsibly meet their need for power. Consult them. Ask their opinion - and listen! Find out what they think.

Feeling

The emotional component to attachment is warm, loving, affectionate feelings - emotional intimacy, falling in love. But falling in love is dangerous, because your heart can be broken. In order for our teens to be emotionally open and vulnerable, we must first demonstrate unconditional love and acceptance. So what is unconditional love? It is love that is unqualified, unreserved, and unrestricted. It is wholehearted.

Being Known

Opening up enough to be known is risky business. Like proximity, it involves being seen and heard, but on a psychological level. Our children and teens will only open up to us and allow us to know them if they feel absolutely safe with us. There is no intimacy greater than being known for who we are, and no security greater than knowing we are liked, accepted, and welcomed just the way we are.

The next post will delve into why your children and teens need you more than they need peers!