Control and Connection

I hope I won't regret saying that it's sometimes necessary to exert control over someone else. In fact, it's almost never necessary, desirable, appropriate - or possible. So when I say "sometimes", I mean once in a blue moon. Rarely. Almost never. Use sparingly!

With that caveat, let's look at how control and connection fit together.

I first learned about the deadly and caring habits in Choice Theory by William Glasser. Some refer to them as unsafe and safe habits - that is, people feel unsafe around us when we use one set of habits and safe when we use the other. I refer to them as disconnecting and connecting habits because they either drive us further apart or bring us closer together.

Disconnecting habits

Here's Glasser "short list" of disconnecting habits:

• criticizing
• blaming
• complaining
• nagging
• threatening
• punishing
• bribing / rewarding to control

(Feel free to add to it. There's lots to choose from! One friend suggested "defending." I agree.)

When you read over this list, a common theme becomes apparent: they are all attempts to control others, to get them to do what we want them to do - whether they want to or not. These are our most readily available tools to get others to change what they're doing so we can feel better.

Note also that, in an attempt to give these up, we will often hang onto the "softer" versions. Instead of nagging (such an ugly word!), we give advice, lecture,  remind, cajole, "reason with," ask leading questions, or try to convince. Don't be fooled! It's all the same. If you wouldn't want someone doing it to you, don't do it to others - especially your kids.

These are behaviours which, if you use them, will damage your relationships with others - especially those closest to you. And if you use these with your sons and daughters, you'll drive a wedge between you - not what you want to do if you want to have influence!

Connecting habits

And here's Glasser's "short list" of connecting habits:

• supporting
• encouraging
• respecting
• accepting
• trusting
• listening
• negotiating differences

Not a long list, but each of these will end up with their own post.

Ken Larsen, a long-time Choice Theorist, said, "If Jesus admonished us to love one another, it is Choice Theory that teaches us how."

I remember reading this list and thinking, Hmm, the Golden Rule: treat others the way you'd want them to treat you. So this is what it looks like!

Think of it as a blueprint for creating healthy, happy relationships.

Think of it also as a sure-fire way to build  a strong attachment and connection with your child or teen - and the influence that comes with that.

Control

So what does this have to do with control?

Sometimes - very rarely - it may be necessary to use control.

But it is NEVER necessary to use disconnecting habits.

If a toddler is about to run into a busy street, the situation would require that you scoop her up and get her to safety. The situation does not require that you berate her, call her names, threaten her, or punish her.

The relationship bank account

Think of your relationship as a bank account.

Every time you use a connecting habit, you're making a deposit - strengthening the relationship.

And every time you use a disconnecting habit, you're making a withdrawal - weakening the relationship.

None of us is perfect, and we all use disconnecting habits from time to time. But if you work on using connecting habits far more than disconnecting ones, you won't break the bank!

3 things your kids need most

The things our children need to be happy and to become well-adjusted, responsible citizens aren't necessarily the things we think they need - or what they tell us they need.

So what do they need most?

Safety and security

You may be thinking a roof over their head, food on the table, a warm bed to sleep in, and clean clothes to wear.

Those are important when they're young, but become increasingly less important as they grow. What I'm talking about is feeling safe and secure with us.

I'm talking about trust. I'm talking about being the kind of people that our children can look up to and lean on and depend on. I'm talking about being trustworthy and reliable.

So what does this look like?

Children need to know that we're in charge - not that we're micromanaging their lives, but that we're in control of ourselves.

They need to know we're calmly and confidently in charge so they can see that life isn't too much for us to handle. Mainly they need to know that they aren't too much for us to handle - because if they are, then what hope is there for them?

In Parenting without Power Struggles, Susan Stiffelman uses the analogy of the captain of the ship. It's lovely if he strolls the decks, chatting with passengers, or joins you for dinner. But that's not what you count on him for. You count on him to get you safely to port - no matter what happens.

They also need to observe us going about our day - not being the object of our attention - because this is how they learn. What do they learn by watching us? They learn what our values are. They learn how to make a bed, how to cook, how to pay bills, how to drive a car, how to interact with others. They learn how to be happy, well-adjusted, responsible citizens. If they don't see it, they'll never know.

Connection

Our children also need a deep and meaningful connection with us - attachment. They need to know that they're welcome to exist in our presence. They need a smile, a greeting when they walk in the room. They need to know we're happy to see them and that we enjoy having them near us. As Gordon Neufeld points out, they must never have to work for our love. They must be able to rest in it.

They also need to know that we have things in common, that apart from our differences, there are things about us that are the same. Celebrate that sameness, whether it's in food, music, movies, or books.

As the attachment deepens, they need to know that we're on their side and that they're significant, that they matter, that their opinions count for something. Ask them what they think about a news story. Ask them to teach you how to do something.

Truly deep and meaningful  attachment comes from being known. It's that sense of feeling so safe with someone, so connected with them, that you want them to know everything about you.

Think they get this from their peers? Think again! Appearances to the contrary, you are the most important, most influential person in their lives. Peers may be fun to hang around with, but they can never provide the meaningful connection your kids can experience with you.

Trust

If your child or teen is particularly difficult, you may be tempted to stop here. Please don't. The payoff is too great!

I'm not talking about whether you can trust your son to tell you the truth or trust your daughter not to steal from you. I'm talking about something much deeper than that.

I'm talking about trusting them to be able to figure things out, to learn from their mistakes. I'm talking about trusting that they've been watching you all these years and learning from you - not from what you've said to them, but from what they've observed. I'm talking about trusting that they want to cooperate with you, that they want to contribute, to be part of the tribe.

I won't go into this at length here because it's already covered in the post on Expectations - Why they're always being met. And there will be lots more to come!

Amish Wisdom: Attachment and Connection

Martha and Isaac's daughter Rachel and her husband had just bought a new farm, and there was to be a barn raising. And so on a cloudy, cool fall day, I drove Martha, Ruth, Paul, and Jonas to Rachel's house to help out for the day. The trunk was loaded with food, and everyone was in high spirits.

The plan was for me to drop them off, then pick them up later that day. But Martha insisted that I meet everyone first. And from the moment I saw them, I couldn't take my eyes off Rachel and her brood. They were utterly captivating. I don't think I've ever seen such a calm, happy, peaceful family.

Rachel chatted with us for a few minutes before giving us a tour of her new farm. And her children, ranging in age from about 18 months to 12 years, orbited her like planets around the sun. They were all shy, curious, and polite, all smiling, all basking in Rachel's warmth. She paid them little mind; nor did she ignore them.

It wasn't anything she actually did; it was more an attitude. She didn't regard them as a nuisance, and she didn't shoo them away. Rather, she welcomed them and included them in her comings and goings. They were an integral part of her tribe. And so it seemed the most natural thing in the world that, confronted with someone new, they would watch their mother and take their cues from her.

The children gathered around us, none of them interrupting or vying for attention or acting up. They were all calm and peaceful and happy - just like their mother. And perhaps because they weren't the centre of attention, they were free to wander around with us and observe us.

Rachel exuded an air of competence, confidence, and industriousness. Despite getting settled into a new farm, raising 6 kids, running a household, tending to 50 calves, canning peaches - because it was that most glorious time of the early fall, peach season! - and now hosting a barn raising, she was cheerful, unperturbed, and calm. And her children followed suit.

I'd seen the same dynamics in Martha and Isaac's home, but assumed it was because Paul and Jonas and Ruth are all adults. When I looked more closely, I noticed a warmth and camaraderie among all of them. They are unfailingly kind to each other and show a genuine fondness for one another. I don't believe any of them has ever said, "I love you." And I don't believe it was ever necessary.

This connectedness includes everyone in the household. When I arrived to take Martha to the hospital one day, she was in a lot of pain. And Isaac helped her into the car with the same gentle, tender care and concern he might have shown when they were courting 50 years ago.

Someone once said, "Home is where you go when you're tired of being nice to people." For the Amish, home is the heart of their tribe, of their community, and they value and are deeply attached to every member in it. They are with the people who know them best - and love them anyway.