Just say no! - part 2

In the last post, we looked at Tony and Paula's dilemmas: to cave in to their teens' unreasonable demands and feel angry, or to not cave in and feel guilty.

Near the beginning of that post, I wrote: "...even when the results they get aren't the results they want. Or are they?"

They may be angry as a result of their choices, but they're satisfying something else that's even more important to them: their image of themselves as "good" parents.

Note: In this post, I am not talking about dealing with potentially explosive or violent situations. I'll cover that in another post.

Assumptions
What if Tony and Paula could find an alternative to feeling guilty or angry?

Let's look at what they're assuming.

Tony assumes that, as a good parent, it's his job to provide for Becky - and not just to provide what she needs (food, shelter, clothing), but to satisfy her every whim. He doesn't believe she can act on her own behalf to get what she wants.

Paula assumes that, as a good parent, it's her job to protect David. She doesn't believe he can take care of himself and be safe.

When their children were young, it was Tony and Paula's job to provide for them and protect them. But they didn't change gears! They're still responding to Becky and David's demands the way they did when they were children, and they didn't shift from providing and protecting to preparing their teens to be self-sufficient.

Good parents make clear what they and others will do and what their teens have to do for themselves. (Glasser, Choice Theory, p. 59)

The solution
1. Step back from the drama and buy yourself some time to reflect: "If you need an answer now, the answer's no. If you can wait a few minutes, the answer's maybe."

2. Ask yourself these crucial questions:

• Am I providing something that my teen should be providing for herself?
• Who's working harder here to get her what she wants - her or me?
• Whose problem is it? Whose job is it to solve it?
• Is this something she needs, or something she wants?
• Am I providing, protecting or preparing him?
• How can I help him take care of this himself?
• If I cave, am I sacrificing my teen's long-term growth for my short-term peace of mind?

3. Foster self-reliance: "I know you want an iPod. What do you think you could do to get one?" "I know you're stranded. What do you think can you do about it?" Instead of solving the problem for them, begin to offer the support and encouragement they need to solve it for themselves.

4. Have faith in them: "I know you can work this out." "You're very resourceful. I know you can solve this."

In the next post, we'll explore when your opinion matters. Feel free to share your thoughts about this!