Control and Connection

I hope I won't regret saying that it's sometimes necessary to exert control over someone else. In fact, it's almost never necessary, desirable, appropriate - or possible. So when I say "sometimes", I mean once in a blue moon. Rarely. Almost never. Use sparingly!

With that caveat, let's look at how control and connection fit together.

I first learned about the deadly and caring habits in Choice Theory by William Glasser. Some refer to them as unsafe and safe habits - that is, people feel unsafe around us when we use one set of habits and safe when we use the other. I refer to them as disconnecting and connecting habits because they either drive us further apart or bring us closer together.

Disconnecting habits

Here's Glasser "short list" of disconnecting habits:

• criticizing
• blaming
• complaining
• nagging
• threatening
• punishing
• bribing / rewarding to control

(Feel free to add to it. There's lots to choose from! One friend suggested "defending." I agree.)

When you read over this list, a common theme becomes apparent: they are all attempts to control others, to get them to do what we want them to do - whether they want to or not. These are our most readily available tools to get others to change what they're doing so we can feel better.

Note also that, in an attempt to give these up, we will often hang onto the "softer" versions. Instead of nagging (such an ugly word!), we give advice, lecture,  remind, cajole, "reason with," ask leading questions, or try to convince. Don't be fooled! It's all the same. If you wouldn't want someone doing it to you, don't do it to others - especially your kids.

These are behaviours which, if you use them, will damage your relationships with others - especially those closest to you. And if you use these with your sons and daughters, you'll drive a wedge between you - not what you want to do if you want to have influence!

Connecting habits

And here's Glasser's "short list" of connecting habits:

• supporting
• encouraging
• respecting
• accepting
• trusting
• listening
• negotiating differences

Not a long list, but each of these will end up with their own post.

Ken Larsen, a long-time Choice Theorist, said, "If Jesus admonished us to love one another, it is Choice Theory that teaches us how."

I remember reading this list and thinking, Hmm, the Golden Rule: treat others the way you'd want them to treat you. So this is what it looks like!

Think of it as a blueprint for creating healthy, happy relationships.

Think of it also as a sure-fire way to build  a strong attachment and connection with your child or teen - and the influence that comes with that.

Control

So what does this have to do with control?

Sometimes - very rarely - it may be necessary to use control.

But it is NEVER necessary to use disconnecting habits.

If a toddler is about to run into a busy street, the situation would require that you scoop her up and get her to safety. The situation does not require that you berate her, call her names, threaten her, or punish her.

The relationship bank account

Think of your relationship as a bank account.

Every time you use a connecting habit, you're making a deposit - strengthening the relationship.

And every time you use a disconnecting habit, you're making a withdrawal - weakening the relationship.

None of us is perfect, and we all use disconnecting habits from time to time. But if you work on using connecting habits far more than disconnecting ones, you won't break the bank!