How do you define your child?

In 2003, some months after joining a parent support group, I attended a workshop by Helen Jones. And in that workshop, she said something that has stayed with me all these years:

I'll take acting-out teens any day. They're much more interesting.

I wondered, Could that be true? And I concluded it was! I had plenty to deal with at the time. As a single mom, I was dealing with a job and 5 children still at home, ages 16 to 10. It was chaos. It was bedlam. It was out of control. And yet that one offhanded comment forever changed the way I saw my teens.

I came home from that workshop with a very different perspective of my children than I had left with.

I began to notice things about them that I'd never seen before. They were all indepent thinkers, with good minds and valid opinions. They all had a strong sense of fair play, and were unafraid to stand up to injustice, whether it involved them or someone else. They were loyal and helpful to their friends. They were funny and engaging and had good street smarts.

Since that time, I've asked parents to tell me what they like about their sons and daughters. And I've watched them struggle to come up with something - anything - that meets with their approval.

What must it be like to live with people - the most important people in your life - who see no good in you, who believe there's something wrong with you, that you need "fixing", who can find nothing about you to like or admire, who find you wanting in every respect?

Just sit with that for a minute. Put yourself in their shoes, and just sit with that for a minute.

Would you be willing to cooperate with someone who held such a dim view of you? I can't think of anything more discouraging.

At the end of the last post, I suggested this exercise:

Make a list of all those things you think about your son or daughter that may not be helpful,

all those labels you attach to her, everything you think is wrong with him.

This is a good place to start - keeping in mind that the purpose of this exercise is not to make an inventory of everything your child or teen does wrong, but to become more intimately aware of your own perceptions, your own internal dialogue regarding them. This isn't about them. This is about you.

So what words do you use to define your son or daughter? Lazy? Unmotivated? Disrespectful? Dishonest? Untrustworthy? Argumentative? Good for nothing? Under-achiever? Irresponsible? How about ADHD or some other disorder?

Now you can start reframing. So what language could you use instead? Funny? Insightful? Loyal? Fair minded? Energetic? Passionate? Unique? One of a kind?

As long as we believe that our child's or teen's behaviour is the problem, all our energy will go into changing it - despite the fact that that's only ever made matters worse. If we're ever going to help them live up to our expectations, we must let them know that we value them, enjoy their company, and think they're fine just the way they are!

Cautionary note: When looking for what we like and admire in our children and teens, it's important to focus on character rather than achievement.  What qualities do we like and admire? It's not helpful to admire children for being smart because they have no control over that. Equally, it's not helpful to admire them for getting an A on a test because they really have no control over that either. But it would be helpful to notice how hard they worked to prepare for the test (regardless of the outcome) because that they have control over.

Expectations - Why they're always being met

Thirteen years ago, I joined a parent support group and read Choice Theory by Dr. Glasser, and I learned two revolutionary concepts: (1) the only behaviour I can control is my own - and the only person who can control my behaviour is me; and (2) the solution is never in the problem, the solution is always in the relationship.

This set off a chain reaction of "Aha!" moments. It transformed the way I parented and enabled me to help other parents do the same. It was the single most useful piece of knowledge I had acquired in all my years as a parent.

I've read and incorporated ideas from many other sources since then, parenting and otherwise, and they're useful to me and to those I coach because they add texture and colour to these two key concepts. (Most are listed in the right-hand column of this blog!)

But what I'm about to share with you in this post was (at least for me) the most startling and significant insight I've come across since reading Dr. Glasser's book 13 years ago.

As both a parent and a parent coach, I've struggled with the idea of expectations. When I would encourage parents to work on themselves and focus less on their teens, they would invariably ask, "But aren't I allowed to have expectations?!" And I was frankly unclear how to answer that.

Of course, there's the Buddhist saying that if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed. But somehow that wasn't helpful.

Although I would skirt the issue of expectations, we discussed "raising the bar" and learning to trust our teens - which for most parents seemed an insurmountable challenge. They didn't believe they could trust them!

Many attached unhelpful labels to their teens and described them in ways that made me wince. And while this dismayed me, and while I knew that this perception was somehow at the root of all their problems, I was at a loss as to how to explain it.

And then, a month ago, a friend introduced me to a YouTube video of Jean Liedloff discussing the continuum concept. Jean has a lovely, easy, open, friendly style, and her parenting message echoed that. As I watched, I smiled and nodded and smiled and nodded - and then she knocked the wind out of me.

She was talking about expectations. And what she said was so obvious, so crystal clear, so unexpected, and so at odds with everything I'd ever thought that I couldn't take it in. I replayed it five more times until it began to gel. It was beyond, "Aha!" It was, "Oh, good grief! Why did I never see that before?!"

According to Liedloff, children and teens, because they are human beings, are social and want to meet the expectations of their elders. What does this mean? It means that they will imitate and emulate, that they will do what you do and try to contribute and cooperate in order to "fit in", to have a sense that they belong, to participate in and be part of the tribe. And if attachment theory is correct, their need to belong far surpasses any other need - including survival.

So why don't our expectations seem to be producing the desired results? Because we misunderstand what expectations are. Here's what "everybody knows" about expectations:

An expectation is a clear statement of what I want to happen.

For example, "I expect you to go to school," or "I expect you to have a job by the end of the week," or "I expect you to be nice to your sister." In fact, those are not expectations. Those are wants. According to the dictionary:

An expectation is what I believe will happen.

If you believed a child would go to school or get a job or be nice to his sister, why would you say it? And so when you do say it, your child gets the message loud and clear: "This is what I want you to do, but I don't believe you're the kind of person who will actually do it."

The Catch-22 for our children and teens is that we say one thing but expect the opposite. In fact, we expect the worst. And because our children are unable to break away from their evolutionary impulse to meet our expectations, they don't do what we want them to do. They do what they know we expect them to do.

And this is reflected not only in what we say to them, but in what we do for them and to them. Every time we rescue them or do for them what they can and should do for themselves, we send the message, "You're not competent. I can't trust you to take care of yourself." Every time we lecture, we're letting them know, "I can't trust you to figure it out for yourself."

And so we perpetuate those very things that we're trying to cure because the bald truth is:

Our sons and daughters always live up to our expectations of them.

This in and of itself may not be enough to turn things around in your home. But in the next few posts, I'll incorporate this into concepts around the 6 levels of attachment, why principles are more effective than rules, why what we do is more powerful than what we say, the advantages of focusing on character rather than achievement, and how to replace the 7 disconnecting habits with the 7 connecting habits.

If you want to do some homework in the meantime, make a list of all those things you think about your son or daughter that may not be helpful, all those labels you attach to her, everything you think is wrong with him, and let's see if we can bring about some meaningful, lasting change. And feel free to post comments or ask questions. After all, we're all in this together!

Amish Wisdom: Shunning

As my friendship with Martha has deepened over the last couple of years, I've come to know her values and what she stands for. And this has made it easier to ask what might otherwise be awkward questions.

I haven't had a TV in my home since June 2000, but even I have heard of Breaking Amish. And I have city friends who know I have Amish friends, and they wanted to know what the scoop was with this.

I know at least one of Martha and Isaac's kids left the Amish church and the Amish way of life. And from what I'd seen, it made no difference. They were as close as ever. So one day when Martha and I were out running errands, I asked her about it.

"Martha, I've heard that, if the kids leave the Amish way of life, their families and communities won't have anything to do with them. Is that true?"

"No. I don't know what they do in the States, but that doesn't happen much  here. Oh, some do, but most don't. Some people have this idea that if they disown them, the kids will come back, but from what I've seen, that just backfires. The kids feel hurt and dig in their heels and never come back. But the only people who seem to go that way are the ones who are trying to prove they're right."

There are degrees of leaving the Amish life. All Martha's kids are grown now and most are elsewhere (but relatively close by) raising families of their own. And not all have remained Old Order Amish. Most hold fast to many of the Amish traditions, beliefs, values, and dress, but have incorporated hydro, cell phones, and a car into their lives. Barns are still raised by a team of friends and neighbours. Laundry is still hung on the line to dry. And fields are still ploughed with horses.

One son has left the Amish ways completely. He runs his own business, and his household uses an electric stove and washer and dryer and has a TV. He also lives right next door to Martha and Isaac. In fact, their houses are attached. He's attentive and respectful with them, and still goes to Isaac for advice.

It's clear, from everything Martha has said and from everything I've observed, that, for them, the relationship is paramount and is the root of everything.

Amish Wisdom: What Amish kids (seem to) know

I am not an authority on the Amish way of life or Amish children. And I'm sure my Amish friends aren't representative of all Amish everywhere. But I have observed their family at work and at play, as well as their grown children's families, and I was struck by how calm, cheerful, and present the children were. Based on interactions I've seen over the past two years and on discussions I've had with Martha about their values, here's what I've surmised:

• Amish children know that they belong, that they're valued, and that they're welcome in their families and their community.

• Amish children know that the adults are in charge - of day-to-day situations and of themselves.

• Amish children know how to play and have fun.

• Amish children know they're useful and can make meaningful contributions.

• Amish children know how to cooperate because everyone in their community cooperates.

• Amish children know how to be friendly because everyone is friendly with them.

• Amish children know the sun doesn't revolve around them.

• Amish children know what's expected from them. Unlike most children, there's no disconnect between what they're told is expected from them and what's actually expected from them. (This will be covered in a separate post!)

• Amish children know their parents say what they mean and mean what they say, so they trust them.

• Amish children know how to get along in the world by watching their parents.

• Amish children know they can develop mastery and competence.

• Amish children know that the adults in their lives will teach them what they need to learn.

• Amish children know their parents will always be on their side.

• Amish children know their parents won't do for them what they can do for themselves.

• Amish children know that "what the situation requires" trumps "what I want".

What if their happiness is a by-product of all of these?

Amish Wisdom - Living with disabiities

The first time I ever laid eyes on Ruth, she was sitting on a rocking chair in the dining room reading her Bible. That's the only time I ever saw her not in motion.

Ruth, now in her 40s, lives with her parents, Martha and Isaac. Martha says, "I don't know how I'd manage without her," and I understand why. Any time I've stopped by, Ruth is cleaning up or washing dishes, helping with laundry or canning, sweeping or washing floors, or, if the weather's nice, out weeding in the garden for hours on end. If she can't find anything else to do, she's swatting flies. And all her work is deliberate and purposeful.

And Ruth doesn't wait to be told what to do. For the most part, she knows what needs to be done and does it. She likes to be busy, and she likes order. She doesn't even like garbage on the side of the road. One day she came over to pick something up from me, and her wagon was filled with garbage. When I asked her about it, she said, "Oh, I don't like garbage. I'll take it home and throw it out." Before taking her and Martha somewhere last summer, I didn't think to clean out the backseat of the car, and was embarrassed when she did it for me. And as she got out of the car with an armful of litter, she asked me, "You like garbage?" It wasn't a reproach. She just wondered.

She's also cheerful in her busyness. She and I have become friends, so when I come by, she stops whatever she's doing and rushes over, wreathed in smiles, for a hug. When I ask her how she is, her answer is always the same: "Oh, not too bad, not too bad!"

But Martha is not like other middle-aged women. She is developmentally delayed (I'd guess 8-10 years of age mentally). She also has visual impairment, hearing impairment, and speech impairment, and is already stooped. Yet she's treated the same as everyone else in the family. She participates in whatever is going on, and goes everywhere with Martha. In short, she is fully integrated into her community, and her life seems to be full and meaningful and satisfying.

Mike's twin brothers, also middle-aged and still living at home with their mother, are also developmentally delayed, with visual and speech impairment (I'd estimate 11-12 years of age). But their lives are very different from Ruth's.

They live in a town where they receive support from various agencies. Both hold (sort of) part-time jobs, and used to enjoy bowling. Several times a week, agency workers take them on small trips or shopping excursions and teach them how to cook simple meals. They are clearly the centre of attention, and seem to have no concept of what it is to be self-directed or to be of service to others. And because nothing else is expected of them, every spare minute is spent in their bedroom watching movies and eating whatever candy they've been able to smuggle into the house.

For Ruth, the focus is on her competencies and capabilities. For Mike's brothers, the focus is on their inadequacies.

For Ruth, the emphasis is on how she can help others. For Mike's brothers, the emphasis is on how others can help them.

The Amish life may be simple, but it's clearly anything but backward. They may be onto something.

Amish Wisdom: Attachment and Connection

Martha and Isaac's daughter Rachel and her husband had just bought a new farm, and there was to be a barn raising. And so on a cloudy, cool fall day, I drove Martha, Ruth, Paul, and Jonas to Rachel's house to help out for the day. The trunk was loaded with food, and everyone was in high spirits.

The plan was for me to drop them off, then pick them up later that day. But Martha insisted that I meet everyone first. And from the moment I saw them, I couldn't take my eyes off Rachel and her brood. They were utterly captivating. I don't think I've ever seen such a calm, happy, peaceful family.

Rachel chatted with us for a few minutes before giving us a tour of her new farm. And her children, ranging in age from about 18 months to 12 years, orbited her like planets around the sun. They were all shy, curious, and polite, all smiling, all basking in Rachel's warmth. She paid them little mind; nor did she ignore them.

It wasn't anything she actually did; it was more an attitude. She didn't regard them as a nuisance, and she didn't shoo them away. Rather, she welcomed them and included them in her comings and goings. They were an integral part of her tribe. And so it seemed the most natural thing in the world that, confronted with someone new, they would watch their mother and take their cues from her.

The children gathered around us, none of them interrupting or vying for attention or acting up. They were all calm and peaceful and happy - just like their mother. And perhaps because they weren't the centre of attention, they were free to wander around with us and observe us.

Rachel exuded an air of competence, confidence, and industriousness. Despite getting settled into a new farm, raising 6 kids, running a household, tending to 50 calves, canning peaches - because it was that most glorious time of the early fall, peach season! - and now hosting a barn raising, she was cheerful, unperturbed, and calm. And her children followed suit.

I'd seen the same dynamics in Martha and Isaac's home, but assumed it was because Paul and Jonas and Ruth are all adults. When I looked more closely, I noticed a warmth and camaraderie among all of them. They are unfailingly kind to each other and show a genuine fondness for one another. I don't believe any of them has ever said, "I love you." And I don't believe it was ever necessary.

This connectedness includes everyone in the household. When I arrived to take Martha to the hospital one day, she was in a lot of pain. And Isaac helped her into the car with the same gentle, tender care and concern he might have shown when they were courting 50 years ago.

Someone once said, "Home is where you go when you're tired of being nice to people." For the Amish, home is the heart of their tribe, of their community, and they value and are deeply attached to every member in it. They are with the people who know them best - and love them anyway.

What I learned about parenting from the Amish

Since moving to the country, we've been blessed with Amish neighbours who have become good friends. Martha and Isaac live just down the road from us with two adult sons and an adult daughter. A younger son lives next door. And they had a lot of children.

Martha and Isaac are Old Order Amish. This means no hydro, no cell phones, and no car. (Well, no hydro until they're son - no longer Amish - had it installed while they were gone for a year. But they don't ue it.)

We've spent a fair bit of time with Martha and Isaac and their family, as well and driving them around and meeting their grown children and grandchildren. I knew there was a difference in how they regard children, but it took me a couple of years to begin to appreciate what those differences are - and why it matters in the work I do with parents.

All the Amish I've met have these things in common: they're cheerful, industrious, charitable, good natured, kind hearted, generous, helpful, resourceful, self-sufficient, honest, forthright, and fair. They're devout, but respect others' beliefs. And they are loathe to be beholden to anyone for anything.

(It may be that all Amish are like this. Or it may be that we were just lucky!)

It took a while to negotiate a barter system with them. They were quite insistent on paying for our gas and time if we drove them anywhere. We finally convinced them that we believe that's what neighbours do, and that if we needed their help, we'd ask.

Over time, quite a bond has formed between us, and I see them more as family now than neighbours. We pick up groceries for them when we're in town and Isaac brings his team of horses over and ploughs the drive after it snows. We drive them to visit family and Martha and her daughter Ruth come over to help weed our vegetable garden. We visit each other, break bread together, share stories, and laugh together.

Over the next few posts, I'll share what I've learned from them about parenting. There's a practical, down-to-earth wisdom in all they do, and parenting is no exception!