How do you define your child?

In 2003, some months after joining a parent support group, I attended a workshop by Helen Jones. And in that workshop, she said something that has stayed with me all these years:

I'll take acting-out teens any day. They're much more interesting.

I wondered, Could that be true? And I concluded it was! I had plenty to deal with at the time. As a single mom, I was dealing with a job and 5 children still at home, ages 16 to 10. It was chaos. It was bedlam. It was out of control. And yet that one offhanded comment forever changed the way I saw my teens.

I came home from that workshop with a very different perspective of my children than I had left with.

I began to notice things about them that I'd never seen before. They were all indepent thinkers, with good minds and valid opinions. They all had a strong sense of fair play, and were unafraid to stand up to injustice, whether it involved them or someone else. They were loyal and helpful to their friends. They were funny and engaging and had good street smarts.

Since that time, I've asked parents to tell me what they like about their sons and daughters. And I've watched them struggle to come up with something - anything - that meets with their approval.

What must it be like to live with people - the most important people in your life - who see no good in you, who believe there's something wrong with you, that you need "fixing", who can find nothing about you to like or admire, who find you wanting in every respect?

Just sit with that for a minute. Put yourself in their shoes, and just sit with that for a minute.

Would you be willing to cooperate with someone who held such a dim view of you? I can't think of anything more discouraging.

At the end of the last post, I suggested this exercise:

Make a list of all those things you think about your son or daughter that may not be helpful,

all those labels you attach to her, everything you think is wrong with him.

This is a good place to start - keeping in mind that the purpose of this exercise is not to make an inventory of everything your child or teen does wrong, but to become more intimately aware of your own perceptions, your own internal dialogue regarding them. This isn't about them. This is about you.

So what words do you use to define your son or daughter? Lazy? Unmotivated? Disrespectful? Dishonest? Untrustworthy? Argumentative? Good for nothing? Under-achiever? Irresponsible? How about ADHD or some other disorder?

Now you can start reframing. So what language could you use instead? Funny? Insightful? Loyal? Fair minded? Energetic? Passionate? Unique? One of a kind?

As long as we believe that our child's or teen's behaviour is the problem, all our energy will go into changing it - despite the fact that that's only ever made matters worse. If we're ever going to help them live up to our expectations, we must let them know that we value them, enjoy their company, and think they're fine just the way they are!

Cautionary note: When looking for what we like and admire in our children and teens, it's important to focus on character rather than achievement.  What qualities do we like and admire? It's not helpful to admire children for being smart because they have no control over that. Equally, it's not helpful to admire them for getting an A on a test because they really have no control over that either. But it would be helpful to notice how hard they worked to prepare for the test (regardless of the outcome) because that they have control over.