Attachment - The relationship is everything

My daughter, son-in-law, and grandson James lived with us for a year or so. When James and I were in love with each other, there's nothing he wouldn't do with or for me. And when he wasn't in love with me, he wouldn't give me the time of day.

If you've attended APSGO (The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario, Inc.), you've likely heard this expression:

The solution is never in the problem.

The solution is always in the relationship.

William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, says that in order to be happy, we need at least one happy person in our lives.

While both of these are correct, I don't think either goes far enough. Not only do we need at least one happy person in our lives, but we need a deep and meaningful relationship with at least one happy person.
 
According to Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold on to Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, kids and teens won't cooperate with us unless they feel firmly attached to us. And this may extend to the rest of our relationships as well.

This isn't sheer obstinacy. We're actually hard-wired to resist direction from people we're not attached to because it keeps us safe. This is why  a 3-year-old will say, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother!" or "You're not the boss of me!" What this means is, "I'm not attached to you. You're not part of my tribe." (Of course, this can be overridden with enough force, but that's another post.)

In a TVO Parents lecture, Neufeld says (and I'm paraphrasing):

A child (or teen) won't cooperate with you until they've given you their heart.

So how do we attach (or re-attach) to our teens? Neufeld outlines 6 levels of attachment:

• Proximity
• Sameness
• Belonging/Loyalty
• Significance
• Feeling
• Being known

And it's this attachment that gives our teens both roots and wings.

Glasser discusses this in terms of quality world. We each have a quality world which contains pictures of all the people, things, and belief systems that we value and want most. Why do we want them? Because they satisfy our basic needs for survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and discovery. We believe, if we have them, we'll be happy.

So in Choice Theory terms:

A child (or teen) won't cooperate with you unless you're in their quality world.

I'll work through some of these ideas with you in the next few posts. And maybe we can end up with teens who not only cooperate with us, but who want to cooperate with us!