Attachment - From proximity to being known

All influence is dependent on the strength of the relationship, on how attached we are to someone and how attached they are to us. And attachment maps in beautifully with everything Glasser says about our need for love and belonging, and how to remain in - or regain entry into - our teen's quality world.

Here's an overview of how we can attach (or re-attach) to our difficult teens.

Proximity

Proximity is our physical sense of another through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Proximity would include being in the same room with someone, giving them a hug, phoning them, even sending them a card, a letter, or an email. When you're in proximity with someone, you know they see you and hear you.

Sameness

When we feel close to others, we seek to be like them, to emulate and imitate them, and to share those things we both like - or dislike. What do you have in common with your teen? Surely there's something! Find those things you both like - whether it's food, movies, books, fashion, philosophy, or politics - and focus on those.

Belonging and Loyalty

Teens need to know they belong, and that we have their backs. This isn't the same as rescuing them every time they get in trouble. It means being there for them, understanding their point of view (whether or not we agree), coming alongside them, and standing up for them.

Significance

Like everyone else, teens need to know they're valued, that their lives count for something, that they're important. This is how we help our teens responsibly meet their need for power. Consult them. Ask their opinion - and listen! Find out what they think.

Feeling

The emotional component to attachment is warm, loving, affectionate feelings - emotional intimacy, falling in love. But falling in love is dangerous, because your heart can be broken. In order for our teens to be emotionally open and vulnerable, we must first demonstrate unconditional love and acceptance. So what is unconditional love? It is love that is unqualified, unreserved, and unrestricted. It is wholehearted.

Being Known

Opening up enough to be known is risky business. Like proximity, it involves being seen and heard, but on a psychological level. Our children and teens will only open up to us and allow us to know them if they feel absolutely safe with us. There is no intimacy greater than being known for who we are, and no security greater than knowing we are liked, accepted, and welcomed just the way we are.

The next post will delve into why your children and teens need you more than they need peers!