Amish Wisdom - Living with disabiities

The first time I ever laid eyes on Ruth, she was sitting on a rocking chair in the dining room reading her Bible. That's the only time I ever saw her not in motion.

Ruth, now in her 40s, lives with her parents, Martha and Isaac. Martha says, "I don't know how I'd manage without her," and I understand why. Any time I've stopped by, Ruth is cleaning up or washing dishes, helping with laundry or canning, sweeping or washing floors, or, if the weather's nice, out weeding in the garden for hours on end. If she can't find anything else to do, she's swatting flies. And all her work is deliberate and purposeful.

And Ruth doesn't wait to be told what to do. For the most part, she knows what needs to be done and does it. She likes to be busy, and she likes order. She doesn't even like garbage on the side of the road. One day she came over to pick something up from me, and her wagon was filled with garbage. When I asked her about it, she said, "Oh, I don't like garbage. I'll take it home and throw it out." Before taking her and Martha somewhere last summer, I didn't think to clean out the backseat of the car, and was embarrassed when she did it for me. And as she got out of the car with an armful of litter, she asked me, "You like garbage?" It wasn't a reproach. She just wondered.

She's also cheerful in her busyness. She and I have become friends, so when I come by, she stops whatever she's doing and rushes over, wreathed in smiles, for a hug. When I ask her how she is, her answer is always the same: "Oh, not too bad, not too bad!"

But Martha is not like other middle-aged women. She is developmentally delayed (I'd guess 8-10 years of age mentally). She also has visual impairment, hearing impairment, and speech impairment, and is already stooped. Yet she's treated the same as everyone else in the family. She participates in whatever is going on, and goes everywhere with Martha. In short, she is fully integrated into her community, and her life seems to be full and meaningful and satisfying.

Mike's twin brothers, also middle-aged and still living at home with their mother, are also developmentally delayed, with visual and speech impairment (I'd estimate 11-12 years of age). But their lives are very different from Ruth's.

They live in a town where they receive support from various agencies. Both hold (sort of) part-time jobs, and used to enjoy bowling. Several times a week, agency workers take them on small trips or shopping excursions and teach them how to cook simple meals. They are clearly the centre of attention, and seem to have no concept of what it is to be self-directed or to be of service to others. And because nothing else is expected of them, every spare minute is spent in their bedroom watching movies and eating whatever candy they've been able to smuggle into the house.

For Ruth, the focus is on her competencies and capabilities. For Mike's brothers, the focus is on their inadequacies.

For Ruth, the emphasis is on how she can help others. For Mike's brothers, the emphasis is on how others can help them.

The Amish life may be simple, but it's clearly anything but backward. They may be onto something.

Amish Wisdom: Attachment and Connection

Martha and Isaac's daughter Rachel and her husband had just bought a new farm, and there was to be a barn raising. And so on a cloudy, cool fall day, I drove Martha, Ruth, Paul, and Jonas to Rachel's house to help out for the day. The trunk was loaded with food, and everyone was in high spirits.

The plan was for me to drop them off, then pick them up later that day. But Martha insisted that I meet everyone first. And from the moment I saw them, I couldn't take my eyes off Rachel and her brood. They were utterly captivating. I don't think I've ever seen such a calm, happy, peaceful family.

Rachel chatted with us for a few minutes before giving us a tour of her new farm. And her children, ranging in age from about 18 months to 12 years, orbited her like planets around the sun. They were all shy, curious, and polite, all smiling, all basking in Rachel's warmth. She paid them little mind; nor did she ignore them.

It wasn't anything she actually did; it was more an attitude. She didn't regard them as a nuisance, and she didn't shoo them away. Rather, she welcomed them and included them in her comings and goings. They were an integral part of her tribe. And so it seemed the most natural thing in the world that, confronted with someone new, they would watch their mother and take their cues from her.

The children gathered around us, none of them interrupting or vying for attention or acting up. They were all calm and peaceful and happy - just like their mother. And perhaps because they weren't the centre of attention, they were free to wander around with us and observe us.

Rachel exuded an air of competence, confidence, and industriousness. Despite getting settled into a new farm, raising 6 kids, running a household, tending to 50 calves, canning peaches - because it was that most glorious time of the early fall, peach season! - and now hosting a barn raising, she was cheerful, unperturbed, and calm. And her children followed suit.

I'd seen the same dynamics in Martha and Isaac's home, but assumed it was because Paul and Jonas and Ruth are all adults. When I looked more closely, I noticed a warmth and camaraderie among all of them. They are unfailingly kind to each other and show a genuine fondness for one another. I don't believe any of them has ever said, "I love you." And I don't believe it was ever necessary.

This connectedness includes everyone in the household. When I arrived to take Martha to the hospital one day, she was in a lot of pain. And Isaac helped her into the car with the same gentle, tender care and concern he might have shown when they were courting 50 years ago.

Someone once said, "Home is where you go when you're tired of being nice to people." For the Amish, home is the heart of their tribe, of their community, and they value and are deeply attached to every member in it. They are with the people who know them best - and love them anyway.

What I learned about parenting from the Amish

Since moving to the country, we've been blessed with Amish neighbours who have become good friends. Martha and Isaac live just down the road from us with two adult sons and an adult daughter. A younger son lives next door. And they had a lot of children.

Martha and Isaac are Old Order Amish. This means no hydro, no cell phones, and no car. (Well, no hydro until they're son - no longer Amish - had it installed while they were gone for a year. But they don't ue it.)

We've spent a fair bit of time with Martha and Isaac and their family, as well and driving them around and meeting their grown children and grandchildren. I knew there was a difference in how they regard children, but it took me a couple of years to begin to appreciate what those differences are - and why it matters in the work I do with parents.

All the Amish I've met have these things in common: they're cheerful, industrious, charitable, good natured, kind hearted, generous, helpful, resourceful, self-sufficient, honest, forthright, and fair. They're devout, but respect others' beliefs. And they are loathe to be beholden to anyone for anything.

(It may be that all Amish are like this. Or it may be that we were just lucky!)

It took a while to negotiate a barter system with them. They were quite insistent on paying for our gas and time if we drove them anywhere. We finally convinced them that we believe that's what neighbours do, and that if we needed their help, we'd ask.

Over time, quite a bond has formed between us, and I see them more as family now than neighbours. We pick up groceries for them when we're in town and Isaac brings his team of horses over and ploughs the drive after it snows. We drive them to visit family and Martha and her daughter Ruth come over to help weed our vegetable garden. We visit each other, break bread together, share stories, and laugh together.

Over the next few posts, I'll share what I've learned from them about parenting. There's a practical, down-to-earth wisdom in all they do, and parenting is no exception!

Attachment - From proximity to being known

All influence is dependent on the strength of the relationship, on how attached we are to someone and how attached they are to us. And attachment maps in beautifully with everything Glasser says about our need for love and belonging, and how to remain in - or regain entry into - our teen's quality world.

Here's an overview of how we can attach (or re-attach) to our difficult teens.

Proximity

Proximity is our physical sense of another through sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Proximity would include being in the same room with someone, giving them a hug, phoning them, even sending them a card, a letter, or an email. When you're in proximity with someone, you know they see you and hear you.

Sameness

When we feel close to others, we seek to be like them, to emulate and imitate them, and to share those things we both like - or dislike. What do you have in common with your teen? Surely there's something! Find those things you both like - whether it's food, movies, books, fashion, philosophy, or politics - and focus on those.

Belonging and Loyalty

Teens need to know they belong, and that we have their backs. This isn't the same as rescuing them every time they get in trouble. It means being there for them, understanding their point of view (whether or not we agree), coming alongside them, and standing up for them.

Significance

Like everyone else, teens need to know they're valued, that their lives count for something, that they're important. This is how we help our teens responsibly meet their need for power. Consult them. Ask their opinion - and listen! Find out what they think.

Feeling

The emotional component to attachment is warm, loving, affectionate feelings - emotional intimacy, falling in love. But falling in love is dangerous, because your heart can be broken. In order for our teens to be emotionally open and vulnerable, we must first demonstrate unconditional love and acceptance. So what is unconditional love? It is love that is unqualified, unreserved, and unrestricted. It is wholehearted.

Being Known

Opening up enough to be known is risky business. Like proximity, it involves being seen and heard, but on a psychological level. Our children and teens will only open up to us and allow us to know them if they feel absolutely safe with us. There is no intimacy greater than being known for who we are, and no security greater than knowing we are liked, accepted, and welcomed just the way we are.

The next post will delve into why your children and teens need you more than they need peers!

Attachment - The relationship is everything

My daughter, son-in-law, and grandson James lived with us for a year or so. When James and I were in love with each other, there's nothing he wouldn't do with or for me. And when he wasn't in love with me, he wouldn't give me the time of day.

If you've attended APSGO (The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario, Inc.), you've likely heard this expression:

The solution is never in the problem.

The solution is always in the relationship.

William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, says that in order to be happy, we need at least one happy person in our lives.

While both of these are correct, I don't think either goes far enough. Not only do we need at least one happy person in our lives, but we need a deep and meaningful relationship with at least one happy person.
 
According to Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold on to Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, kids and teens won't cooperate with us unless they feel firmly attached to us. And this may extend to the rest of our relationships as well.

This isn't sheer obstinacy. We're actually hard-wired to resist direction from people we're not attached to because it keeps us safe. This is why  a 3-year-old will say, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother!" or "You're not the boss of me!" What this means is, "I'm not attached to you. You're not part of my tribe." (Of course, this can be overridden with enough force, but that's another post.)

In a TVO Parents lecture, Neufeld says (and I'm paraphrasing):

A child (or teen) won't cooperate with you until they've given you their heart.

So how do we attach (or re-attach) to our teens? Neufeld outlines 6 levels of attachment:

• Proximity
• Sameness
• Belonging/Loyalty
• Significance
• Feeling
• Being known

And it's this attachment that gives our teens both roots and wings.

Glasser discusses this in terms of quality world. We each have a quality world which contains pictures of all the people, things, and belief systems that we value and want most. Why do we want them? Because they satisfy our basic needs for survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and discovery. We believe, if we have them, we'll be happy.

So in Choice Theory terms:

A child (or teen) won't cooperate with you unless you're in their quality world.

I'll work through some of these ideas with you in the next few posts. And maybe we can end up with teens who not only cooperate with us, but who want to cooperate with us!