Terry Dobson - On a Tokyo Subway

A few years ago I read a powerful story of peaceful resolution that left a lasting impression with me: "Aikido in Action" by Terry Dobson. If you're looking to bring about a change of heart (yours and others) and not just a change of behaviour, I urge you to check it out. Click here to read Terry's story.

Terry Dobson was a dedicated student of Morihei Ueshiba (O Sensei to aikido students), the founder of aikido, and he spent many years studying with him in Japan. His story of an incident on a Tokyo subway epitomizes principles of both aikido and choice theory.

A friend introduced me to the concepts of aikido in 1971, but I didn't have an opportunity to learn and practice it until 1998.

I was introduced to choice theory in 2003, and was struck by the similarities between aikido and choice theory:

• Both seek peaceful, win-win resolution to conflict.
• Both respect self and other.
• Both use engaging instead of passive avoidance and blending instead of aggression.

"Aikido," literally translated, means "the way of harmony with universal energy":

• AI - harmony
• KI - spirit, mind or universal energy (the Japanese equivalent of "chi"), and
• DO - the Way.

Like its sister martial art, t'ai chi, aikido is an internal martial art. The focus is on mastery of self, not on harming or defeating an opponent.

O Sensei was a devout student of martial arts who, in 1919, met and was profoundly influenced by a spiritual teacher, Onisaburo Deguchi. According to Wikipedia:

"This was a great influence in Ueshiba's martial arts philosophy of extending love and compassion especially to those who seek to harm others. Aikido demonstrates this philosophy in its emphasis on mastering martial arts so that one may receive an attack and harmlessly redirect it. In an ideal resolution, not only is the receiver unharmed, but so is the attacker."

One of the best definitions I've found for aikido comes from www.massagetherapy.com:

"This non-competitive Japanese martial art aims to harmonize energy with that of a partner or opponent in order to achieve both physical and emotional mastery through peaceful resolution."

Here are some quotes by O Sensei:

"To injure an opponent is to injure yourself. To control aggression without inflicting injury is the Art of Peace."

"As soon as you concern yourself with the 'good' and 'bad' of your fellows, you create an opening in your heart for maliciousness to enter. Testing, competing with and criticizing others weaken and defeat you."

"Aikido is the principle of non-resistance. Because it is non-resistant, it is victorious from the beginning. Those with evil intentions or contentious thoughts are instantly vanquished. Aikido is invinsible because it contends with nothing."

"There are no contests in the Art of Peace. A true warrior is invinsible because he or she contests with nothing. Defeat means to defeat the mind of contention that we harbor within."

"True victory does not come from defeating an enemy. True victory comes from giving love and changing an enemy's heart."

"Aikido is the art of reconciliation. To use it to enhance one's ego, to dominate other people, is to betray totally the purpose for which it is practiced. Our mission is to resolve conflict, not to generate it."

So what does this have to do with raising difficult teens? Everything! By applying aikido principles to parenting, we can learn to deflect psychological and physical attacks in a way that prevents harm to ourselves, to our teen, and to our relationship. We can change our focus from doing to to doing with, from mastery over others to mastery over self. Instead of asking, "What can I do to get this person to do what I want?" we can ask, "How can I help - myself, the other, and the situation?"

Terry Dobson's story introduces us to a true life whisperer, and demonstrates the power of leading with the heart instead of the head!