When parents are first introduced to Choice Theory, they are often confused about ideas around control:
- They understand that they can't control what others do (or think or say or feel or want or perceive), but it's a while before they realize that others can't control them either.
- They start to believe that all control is a "bad" thing. Yikes!
This post is about the latter.
First things first: control is not a "bad" thing.
Control is a necessary thing. If you're driving a car, it's vital: if you're
not controlling it, who is?!
Here's a short list of what it might be in your best interests to
control:
- Yourself (your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your values - your temper!)
- Your environment (home, car, finances, personal belongings, resources)
Bemused parents will say, "I told my son he couldn't have the car,
and he told me to stop trying to control him." Now they're confused.
What's the deal? That's when I ask, "Well, were you trying to control your
son, or were you controlling your keys, your car - your personal belongings?
Whose car is it? Who do you think should have control of it?"
Some parenting models are very democratic, but most are still hierarchical. Someone with knowledge and life experience still has to be in charge. Someone still has to have the final say. Someone needs to be the adult - especially when it's not smooth sailing.
A 17-year-old girl lay on the bathroom floor. It was 5 AM. She was vomiting and running a high fever and was a bit delirious. Her aunt was with her and said, "I'm taking you to the hospital." The girl said, "No, no! Don't make me go! I can't do it. Leave me alone."
So what would Choice Theory advise? Respect her wishes? Or make sure she's safe?
Her aunt lifted her off the floor, wrapped her in a blanket, and almost carried her to the car. When they arrived at the hospital, the doctors immediately did a spinal tap and started IV antibiotics. She had meningococcal meningitis. They assured her aunt that it had hit hard and fast, and if she'd waited even another hour or two, they would have lost her.
That girl is my daughter. Her aunt is my sister. It all ended well, and I thank God every day for my sister's commitment to keeping her safe.
The fact is not everything is negotiable.
Some parenting models are very democratic, but most are still hierarchical. Someone with knowledge and life experience still has to be in charge. Someone still has to have the final say. Someone needs to be the adult - especially when it's not smooth sailing.
A 17-year-old girl lay on the bathroom floor. It was 5 AM. She was vomiting and running a high fever and was a bit delirious. Her aunt was with her and said, "I'm taking you to the hospital." The girl said, "No, no! Don't make me go! I can't do it. Leave me alone."
So what would Choice Theory advise? Respect her wishes? Or make sure she's safe?
Her aunt lifted her off the floor, wrapped her in a blanket, and almost carried her to the car. When they arrived at the hospital, the doctors immediately did a spinal tap and started IV antibiotics. She had meningococcal meningitis. They assured her aunt that it had hit hard and fast, and if she'd waited even another hour or two, they would have lost her.
That girl is my daughter. Her aunt is my sister. It all ended well, and I thank God every day for my sister's commitment to keeping her safe.
The fact is not everything is negotiable.
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