My liberated Christmas!

Seasons greetings to all of you! Hope you're enjoying a holiday filled with love, laughter, and fun!

Last fall I discovered a 6-minute video by Ellen Gelinas - humourist, educator, Choice Theory instructor, mentor and friend. It's short, funny, and profound. I've lost track of how many times I've watched it, but it changed my Christmas for the better this year. (Look for the link at the bottom of this post.)

For the past year or so, my kids have been threatening to boycott Thanksgiving, Chrismas, and all other family gatherings. It looked like this: By the time I'd finished getting everything ready, I was stressed, feeling bitter and resentful that the expense and the work had fallen to me again, and I wasn't fit to be around. Better to just skip the whole thing.

But this year, I did things differently. Most of my kids are grown and gone now and have their own kitchens, so early in December, I decided what I wanted to prepare for Christmas dinner: turkey, roasted sweet potatoes with garlic and rosemary, and green beans. Oh, and gravy and cranberries.

It's enough, but it's a far cry from the turkey, stuffing, dozen or so vegetables, and dessert that we usually have. And I was okay with that. If no one brought anything else, it would still be simple, easily manageable, and delicious.

Next step: I told the kids, "This is what I'll be making. If there's something else you want, bring it with you."

Jocie, who usually makes the stuffing, seemed frustrated at the prospect of doing it this year, and said she didn't think she'd be able to do it. I smiled. "No problem. Then we won't have stuffing. This is what I'll be cooking. Bring whatever else you want." Not only did she bring stuffing, but she brought a slew of roasted vegetables! My sister Kathy brought cheeses and crackers, Emily and Maddy brought desserts, someone else brought wine.

The outcome? We had a relaxed, fun-filled Christmas together. Emily put her arms around me half-way through the evening and said, "This is lovely! Nobody's upset, and nobody's had a meltdown!" - clearly referring to me.

Interested in the tiny video that sparked my liberation from Christmas insanity? Click here!

Wishing you all the best new year ever!

Creating dependence

I confess: I can't pass up a book sale. Books are my weakness. They call to me. I love the old paper smell of libraries. My favourite store in the world is The Strand in New York City: 9 miles of shelves, new, used, collector's editions. I lose all sense of time and location.

And yet, although I hunt for good books, most of my best book finds have been serendipitous: I was wandering through a library, bookstore or remainder store looking for something in particular, and came across a book that caught my eye and changed my life - again.

Here are a few:

• The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell (before anyone had heard of him!)
• The Breakthrough Principle by Herbert Benson
• Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute
• The Power of Self-Dependence by Dr. Jorge Bucay

There are lots more, but you get the idea.

The most recent was The Power of Self-Dependence (on the remainder table at my local Zeller's). Picked it up a couple of days ago, and thought I'd read a few pages before bed last night. Big mistake! I hit the chapter on dependence:

"Dependence for me is always something dark and unhealthy, an alternative that, even though I would like to justify it with a thousand arguments, leads inevitably to imbecility." (p. 6)

Okay. That's pretty brutal. Especially when you consider that 4 out of 6 of my children are living at home. Only temporarily, mind you. After all, the end of September's not that far away.

But if I thought that was direct, the next page got me right between the eyes:

"There are parents who invite their children to choose, giving back to them the responsibility over their lives as they grow, and also parents who prefer to be always near "to help," "just in case," because "our child (forty-two years old) is so naive," and because "for what do we need all the money we have made, if not to help our children?" Those parents will die someday, and those children will end up trying to use any of us as their substitute walking canes.

I cannot justify dependence, because I don't want to nurture imbecility."

He goes on to describe 4 types of imbeciles:

• intellectual - those who depend on others to tell them what to do,
• affective - those who depend on others for love, and
• moral - those who depend on outside approval before making decisions.

I haven't finished the book, so I can't tell you how it ends, but I will keep you posted!

Customize your relationships!

Not all relationships are created equal, and not all relationships are the same. And even the most stable relationships are going to change over time.

Why is this important?

An eye-opener for me over the past few months was realizing that I haven't entirely changed gears as a parent. I have six children, and my youngest son was born when my eldest daughter was 16. So I never felt I had the luxury of enough time to evaluate whether the way I parented as they grew was still effective - or necessary.

My youngest is now 17 and, at least to some degree, I'm still in "protect and provide" mode with some of my kids, when the mode I need to be in (for their sake and mine) is "prepare." And I suspect I should have started long before now!

Sometimes I don't know something until I say it. Like last night. Emily, my 23-year-old, said, "But I'm your kid!" And I said, "Not any more you're not." And she said, "Of course I am. I'll always be your kid!" And I said, "You'll always be my daughter - but you're not my kid any more." She got it, and we just grinned at each other.

I had a falling out with a good friend quite some time ago, and now we find ourselves back together in a rather strained professional relationship. Others have asked whether this can work if we don't sort things out and become friends again, and I'd wondered the same. But after some reflection, I realized that our relationship doesn't have to be what it was before in order for us to work well together. From my perspective, all that's required is that I be professional and respectful, contribute what I can, and keep an open mind.

So when you're thinking about "good" relationships, it might be worthwhile to define what a "good" relationship with that person would look like. A good relationship with a colleague will likely look very different from your relationship with your boss or your clients, your spouse or your parents, your children or your best friend, your next-door neighbour or your mailman. And it's worth the time it takes to consider and decide what "good" means in those different contexts.

Proximity is no guarantee of a good relationship any more than distance is a death knell. I have a better relationship with my eldest daughter now than I ever had when we lived together, because we make time now for one-on-one visits, exchange books and recipes, share stories, brainstorm ideas, and support and encourage each other.

My sister lives in Connecticut, an 8-hour drive away. But we talk on the phone almost every day, and my trips (alone!) to visit her are precious to both of us. She's my sister, my confidante, my best friend.

It's also not necessary to be best friends with everyone, and it's not necessary - or healthy - to bring everyone in your life into your inner circle. In some cases, it may not be healthy to be friends at all!

A final note: If someone insists, "You're my best friend!" you do NOT have to reciprocate. You get to choose your friends based on what works for both of you, not just what works for them. Is this selfish? Absolutely! But you'll never be a good friend to anyone if you're not first a good friend to yourself. 

The most neglected relationship

In the past few months, four books came together in an unexpected way to offer me pieces of a puzzle that had eluded me about my own most neglected relationship: my relationship with myself.

• Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at our Peril by Margaret Heffernan
• The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch
• The Power of a Positive No by William Ury
• The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner

Here's what I learned:

Willful Blindness: Once we've met our need for survival, we want purpose or meaning in our lives, and this purpose is best achieved with others (belonging). The downside is that, in pursuing our purpose and meeting out need for belonging, we may become compliant within the group or organization and lose our sense of self and our moral compass. We may turn a blind eye to what's happening.

The Passionate Marriage: David Schnarch discusses what happens "when the importance of your partner exceeds the strength of your relationship with yourself" - and what it looks like when that comes back into balance.

The Power of a Positive No: "Saying No means, first of all, saying Yes! to yourself and protecting what is important to you." A No becomes positive when it's grounded in a powerful Yes.

The Dance of Anger: All of us are eager from time to time to change who we are and what we're doing - as long as the important people in our lives are okay with it. The likelihood of them being okay with it: about 0%!

So what does all of this have to do with parenting? Everything! In the parent group, we always caution new parents that things may get worse before they get better. Why? Our kids like the status quo. They like predictability, and they like knowing what they can expect - even when they don't like the actual result. So they may not like that we yell, but they do like that we're predictable.

When our children are young, we may focus on looking after them to the exclusion of looking after ourselves. And soon we lose sight of who we are and what we want, of how we define ourselves outside of the parent/child relationship.

A friend told me about reading an obituary in the newspaper. The entire content was about what a terrific mother this woman had been, and my friend said, "That was a real eye-opener for me. I do not want to be remembered that way! There's so much more to me than my role as a mother!"

So let me ask you:

Is there anything going on in your life that you're turning a blind eye to? Are you maybe focusing so much on your teen's life that you're neglecting your own?

Has your relationship with your teen (or your self-image as a parent) become more important to you than your relationship with yourself?

What do you want in your own life that you could say Yes! to that could ground you in an equally strong No?

And what could you say Yes! to that could sustain you through the sometimes intense backlash of others?

Send comments! I'd love to hear how you're doing with this! And in a later post, I'll share part of my own recent journey with these concepts.

Rights and Responsibility

A friend of mine provided me with some wonderful language last week on how to navigate rights and responsibilities at home.

First of all, let's not confuse rights with a privileges. Both are linked to responsibility, but they aren't the same: rights applies to everyone and are constant; privileges are negotiated on a case-by-case basis.

So here's what she did: She sat down with her son and asked him what he thought his rights were. And here's how a piece of that discussion went:

Son: I have a right to privacy.
Mom: Okay. So what does that mean to you?
Son: It means people don't go in my room, go through my things or take my stuff without asking.
Mom: Fair enough. And if that's a right for you, it would be a right for everyone else, too. So if you have a right to your privacy, what's your responsibility around privacy?

And it went from there into a discussion of each person's responsibility to respect the privacy of others.

So now you may be wondering: I have a right to use my car. And if a right is something that everyone's entitled to, does that mean I have to let my kids use the car whenever they want?

Let's look at the larger principle: Everyone has a right to use and enjoy what belongs to them, and they have the final say on whether or not they lend it to anyone else. And what applies to you applies equally to your children. So if you really, really want to borrow your daughter's earrings, you have to ask - but ultimately it's her decision.

Safety might be another issue: Everyone has the right to feel safe here. So what would that look like? And what would everyone's responsibility be around that?

Get creative! Talk to your kids: ask them what they think their rights are, and toss out ideas if they get stuck. Let them know that you're willing to support them in ensuring their rights - and the rights of others - are respected, and balanced with responsibility.

Watch out for that pole!

My daughter shared with me something she learned in her driver's ed course: If you're losing control of your car, DO NOT focus on the pole you're headed for, or you'll hit it. Instead, focus on where you WANT to go. This will engage your brain and your hands to help get you where you want to go.

Interesting...

Same goes for problems: If you focus on a problem in the hope of solving it, you'll end up with ... a bigger problem! And if someone else is doing what you don't want them to do and you try to "fix" them, you'll likely end up with ... more of what you don't want!

Maybe this is what Einstein meant when he said:

One cannot solve a problem

with the same mindset

that created it in the first place.

Society's mantra about raising children, of course, is that we - as parents and educators - must get them under control and keep them under control. But what if this is the mindset that created the problem in the first place?

What do we do when we see our teen's behaviour as the problem? We do whatever we can to "fix" them: criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish and bribe. Maybe we coerce, manipulate or bully. Or we ignore them, throw them out, or put them on meds. Or we go beyond all that to giving up and feeling hopeless, helpless and despairing. And what do we get? More of what we DON'T want.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." After all, we only want the best for our children, right? We only try to control them because we have their best interests at heart, and we only try to make them feel bad so they'll behave well, right?

But could it be that believing we can and should control our teens is the mindset that creates most of our problems with them? Maybe, instead of trying to "solve" our kids, it's time to recognize our contribution to the mess we find ourselves in and start creating what we do want.

So how do we turn this around? Certainly not by doing more of what doesn't work! (That's Einstein's definition of insanity.)

So let's get our eyes back on the road:

• How would you like your home life to be?
• What kind of relationship would you like to have with your kids?
• Do you know any other parents who have that kind of home life and relationship with their kids? (If you don't know any real-life parents like that, pick a fictional character.)
• Now look closely: What do they do differently?
• Which one of those behaviours could you work on this week?

Send in your successes. And remember: Keep your eyes on the road ahead, not on the pole!

Six Things: A simple formula for creating healthy boundaries

Everybody knows what boundaries are:

Boundaries are limits I set
on other people's behaviour
that I expect them to respect and adhere to.

And every parent knows the language:

• "You can't ask for more money."
• "Don't ask me for a drive when I'm in the middle of making dinner."
• "Don't phone me after 11:00 at night."

But if these are the kind of boundaries you set, you're in for trouble, because you can't enforce them. They'll only work if others respect them, so you really have no control over them.

Here's an alternate definition of boundaries:

Boundaries are limits I set
on my own behaviour
that I respect and adhere to.

Compare these to the list above:

• "I'll give you this much money every week - this, and no more."
• "I won't drive you anywhere when I'm in the middle of making dinner."
• "I won't answer the phone after 11:00 at night."

Now you have clear boundaries that don't depend on anyone else for their success!

Fortunately, William Glasser has created a simple tool called "Six Things" that will put you back in control of your boundaries and let others know what they can - and can't - expect from you. Here's what you and others need to know about you in order for you to get along:

1.  Who you are.

2.  What you stand for.

3.  What you will do for and with them.

4.  What you will not do for them.

5.  What you will ask them to do.

6.  What you will not ask them to do.

This is a very simple, very powerful formula that you can use to set boundaries with anyone - but it does require some work and some thought. And you might want to consider leaving items off that you know you won't follow through on!