Customize your relationships!

Not all relationships are created equal, and not all relationships are the same. And even the most stable relationships are going to change over time.

Why is this important?

An eye-opener for me over the past few months was realizing that I haven't entirely changed gears as a parent. I have six children, and my youngest son was born when my eldest daughter was 16. So I never felt I had the luxury of enough time to evaluate whether the way I parented as they grew was still effective - or necessary.

My youngest is now 17 and, at least to some degree, I'm still in "protect and provide" mode with some of my kids, when the mode I need to be in (for their sake and mine) is "prepare." And I suspect I should have started long before now!

Sometimes I don't know something until I say it. Like last night. Emily, my 23-year-old, said, "But I'm your kid!" And I said, "Not any more you're not." And she said, "Of course I am. I'll always be your kid!" And I said, "You'll always be my daughter - but you're not my kid any more." She got it, and we just grinned at each other.

I had a falling out with a good friend quite some time ago, and now we find ourselves back together in a rather strained professional relationship. Others have asked whether this can work if we don't sort things out and become friends again, and I'd wondered the same. But after some reflection, I realized that our relationship doesn't have to be what it was before in order for us to work well together. From my perspective, all that's required is that I be professional and respectful, contribute what I can, and keep an open mind.

So when you're thinking about "good" relationships, it might be worthwhile to define what a "good" relationship with that person would look like. A good relationship with a colleague will likely look very different from your relationship with your boss or your clients, your spouse or your parents, your children or your best friend, your next-door neighbour or your mailman. And it's worth the time it takes to consider and decide what "good" means in those different contexts.

Proximity is no guarantee of a good relationship any more than distance is a death knell. I have a better relationship with my eldest daughter now than I ever had when we lived together, because we make time now for one-on-one visits, exchange books and recipes, share stories, brainstorm ideas, and support and encourage each other.

My sister lives in Connecticut, an 8-hour drive away. But we talk on the phone almost every day, and my trips (alone!) to visit her are precious to both of us. She's my sister, my confidante, my best friend.

It's also not necessary to be best friends with everyone, and it's not necessary - or healthy - to bring everyone in your life into your inner circle. In some cases, it may not be healthy to be friends at all!

A final note: If someone insists, "You're my best friend!" you do NOT have to reciprocate. You get to choose your friends based on what works for both of you, not just what works for them. Is this selfish? Absolutely! But you'll never be a good friend to anyone if you're not first a good friend to yourself.