Watch out for that pole!

My daughter shared with me something she learned in her driver's ed course: If you're losing control of your car, DO NOT focus on the pole you're headed for, or you'll hit it. Instead, focus on where you WANT to go. This will engage your brain and your hands to help get you where you want to go.

Interesting...

Same goes for problems: If you focus on a problem in the hope of solving it, you'll end up with ... a bigger problem! And if someone else is doing what you don't want them to do and you try to "fix" them, you'll likely end up with ... more of what you don't want!

Maybe this is what Einstein meant when he said:

One cannot solve a problem

with the same mindset

that created it in the first place.

Society's mantra about raising children, of course, is that we - as parents and educators - must get them under control and keep them under control. But what if this is the mindset that created the problem in the first place?

What do we do when we see our teen's behaviour as the problem? We do whatever we can to "fix" them: criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish and bribe. Maybe we coerce, manipulate or bully. Or we ignore them, throw them out, or put them on meds. Or we go beyond all that to giving up and feeling hopeless, helpless and despairing. And what do we get? More of what we DON'T want.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." After all, we only want the best for our children, right? We only try to control them because we have their best interests at heart, and we only try to make them feel bad so they'll behave well, right?

But could it be that believing we can and should control our teens is the mindset that creates most of our problems with them? Maybe, instead of trying to "solve" our kids, it's time to recognize our contribution to the mess we find ourselves in and start creating what we do want.

So how do we turn this around? Certainly not by doing more of what doesn't work! (That's Einstein's definition of insanity.)

So let's get our eyes back on the road:

• How would you like your home life to be?
• What kind of relationship would you like to have with your kids?
• Do you know any other parents who have that kind of home life and relationship with their kids? (If you don't know any real-life parents like that, pick a fictional character.)
• Now look closely: What do they do differently?
• Which one of those behaviours could you work on this week?

Send in your successes. And remember: Keep your eyes on the road ahead, not on the pole!