Who's pulling whose strings?!

I always caution parents new to this method that, when they start to change what they're doing and saying, things may - and probably will - get worse before they get better.

There's a perfectly logical reason for this: As a parent begins to change, the child or teen will often escalate their acting-out behaviour in an attempt to get the parent back under control.

Huh?! Yes, you heard that right.

Shortly after I joined the parent group, I stopped yelling, screaming, nagging and threatening in response to what my teens were doing. Bewildered and confused, two of them went to my Dad's and said, "Grandpa, you have to do something about Mom. She's completely out of control!"

A reasonable human being might think they'd have been relieved. But teens, like everyone else, like predictability, even when they don't like the form it takes.

My teens had come to rely on certain responses: when they fought, I would interfer and yell; when they left a mess in the kitchen, I would nag; when they skipped classes, I would lecture; when they came home late, I would threaten. They knew what to expect - and they liked the predictability. The unpleasantness of it all was just the cost of doing business with me.

The following excerpt from Alyson Schafer's new book Honey, I Wrecked the Kids beautifully illustrates what's going on in this dance with our teens. When I read this to the parents in the parent group a few weeks ago, there was a quick and dramatic shift in some of their thinking.

"Donna sits on the side of the sandbox to keep an eye on Owen while he plays because he keeps trying to put the sand in his mouth. 'Yucky,' Mommy says each time. 'Not in the mouth, Owen. Yucky - sand is for the sandbox. Put it down. Not for eating,' and so on.

"Owen is learning that every time he lifts his sand-filled fist to his mouth, his mother starts talking like a windup doll. Instead of learning not to eat sand, he is learning how to make Mommy talk! Mom could instead say nothing, let Owen experience a mouthful of sand, and he would quickly realize that it is indeed 'yucky.'" (p. 79)

So who's controlling whom here?!

Maybe the nagging, yelling, lecturing and reminding that we're so committed to are teaching our teens something other than what we intended!

Just say no! - part 3

In the two previous blogs on "Just say no!" we looked at the beliefs that drive parents to say yes when they want to say no:

• My teen is helpless, incompetent and incapable of looking after him/herself.
• It's my job as the parent to protect them and provide for them.

But there's more to it than that. In the previous examples, Tony and Paula also said yes to avoid feeling guilty. And this may be equally, or even more, compelling.

Everything we do is our best attempt
to feel as good as we possibly can.

This is true even of things we dread or dislike: a visit to the dentist, surgery, paying taxes. Even though doing these things may not feel good at the time, we do them anyway because we know the result of not doing them will feel even worse!

We struggle with some parenting decisions because we think we only have two options - neither of which we want:

• When we say no, we feel guilty.
• When we say yes, we feel angry.

So what breaks the tie?

We feel guilty when we think we're wrong. Otherwise, we wouldn't feel guilty. And what could feel more wrong than abandoning or not providing for our children?

But we feel angry when we think someone else is wrong and we're right. When we feel angry, at least there's someone else we can blame!

• "He's always imposing on me."
• "She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her."
• "He's always taking advantage."
• "She doesn't treat her friends this way!"

Frankly, thinking we're right feels a whole lot better than thinking we're wrong. It's hard to feel self-righteous anger unless you can convince yourself it's someone else's fault.

Tony and Paula felt angry because they felt victimized by their teens. But in fact their teens didn't do anything to them. They volunteered!

The good news is that you don't have to choose between guilt and anger. You can choose something better - a better belief, a better perception, and a better feeling!

Feelings
It's almost impossible to change how you feel by simply deciding to change how you feel. (You know how helpful it is when someone says, "Cheer up!") But it's worthwhile to examine how you'd like to feel.

So how would you like to feel? How about curious? optimistic? trusting? adventurous? hopeful?

Beliefs
What could you believe - about yourself or your teen - that would help you feel that way?

• She's perfectly capable of getting anything she wants in life.
• He's perfectly capable of looking after himself.
• I've taught them values. Now it's up to them.
• She's very resourceful, and I know I can trust her to handle whatever comes up.
• He's becoming more discerning all the time.
• I'm glad they have the confidence to "Take chances! Make mistakes! Get dirty!" (Miss Frizzle from The Magic School Bus) and learn from their mistakes.
• I can help create a haven for them where it's safe for them to ask questions and to share their opinions, challenges, concerns - and triumphs.

Perceptions
I attended a workshop several years ago, and was flabbergasted when the presenter said, "I much prefer acting-out teens. They're much more interesting." Huh?! Is that possible?!

I went home and checked and, sure enough, my kids were very interesting! And suddenly that was a good thing!

What if you saw your teen as...

• a young adult instead of a confused, helpless and frustrating teen?
• an individual in his or her own right - as not belonging to you?
• a young person with unique needs and wants and dreams?
• someone on a journey of discovery?
• someone who's making mistakes so they can learn about themselves and the world?

Alternately...
And then, if you decide, against your better judgement, to go ahead and say yes anyway, recognize that you're doing it for yourself and make the best of it without criticizing, blaming, whining or complaining - or beating yourself up!

The best time to give advice

"The worst waste of breath, next to playing the saxophone, is advising a son." - Kim Hubbard

The following excerpt is from a small book by Jonathon and Wendy Lazear called Meditations for Parents Who Do Too Much (New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Inc., 2003):

The president has advisors. Children don't need them. Children have parents who "pretend" to be advisors, and children "pretend" to listen. The truth is, the only advice children are willing to listen to is the advice they give themselves.

If you want to give advice to your kids, save your breath. Talk to your kids instead. Talk to them about baseball and horses and politics and weather and the price of fame. Talk to them about animals and presidents and music and the time you had the time of your life. Give them encouragement ... and warmth and wit. Anything but advice.

Those who give advice may have to open themselves up to receive it...

The best time to give advice?

When your teen asks for it!

The best time to give your opinion

Here's what I learned from my son Andrew about a year ago. Two of his friends were about to get into a messy (but not illegal) situation, and I asked him what he thought about it.

Shrug. "I think they're making a big mistake."

"Have you told them that?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"They haven't asked. If they wanted my opinion, they'd ask for it."

I was dumbfounded.

Have you ever had the experience of trying to have a friendly conversation with your teen, only to have him storm off angry and frustrated? And does it happen right after you offer your opinion?

In a fragile or strained relationship,
your opinion isn't the one that matters!

A dialogue doesn't have to be a two-way street. Sometimes it's just one person talking and one person listening.

If you want your teen to talk to you, you have to be willing to listen. Listening means giving your teen your undivided attention, the same as you would with a friend. It's not just a matter of being polite; it's a matter of being sincere - and sincerely interested.

That means not correcting her, arguing with her or setting her straight - even when she's wrong.

The best time to give your opinion?

When your teen asks for it!

Filling the air with words

This is how a friend of mine describes compulsive chatter.

Which is what parents do best.

(For a humorous rendition of "parentspeak," check out The Mom Song on Youtube!)

Funny how parents mistake lectures and advise for conversation!

My kids never learned anything while I was talking at them.

Why is that?

Because they weren't listening.

And they weren't listening because I wasn't saying anything they wanted to hear. It wasn't about what they wanted. It was all about me - what I wanted, what I thought was best for them. I wasn't talking about what mattered to them; I was talking about what mattered to me. And I was talking to them and at them - not with them. Of course, it was all for their own good, but they found my "conversation" tiresome and annoying. How curious!

Then I discovered that all my talking was actually preventing them from thinking.

How in the world could they think straight with me yammering at them all the time? And how in the world could they think straight when all their thinking power was tied up with arguing, explaining, justifying, defending - and attacking? (After the all, the best defence is a good offence!)

Want your teens to think for themselves?

Stop talking so they can start thinking!

How to listen

There are two ways to listen:

• Listening to reply.
• Listening to understand.

The first is the one most of us use. While our teen is talking, we're formulating our response: a comment, advice, a criticism, a rebuttal, a correction, a suggestion, or an opinion.

But it's amazing what can happen when you stop rehearsing your answers and just pay attention.

Larry King said, "I never learned anything while I was talking."

How unfortunate. I know what he means, but if you've ever spent time with a good listener, you know how much you learned!

Some of the greatest insights I've ever had came in those moments when I was talking to someone who was really present, really listening. They didn't challenge me or interrupt to offer their opinion. They just listened and gave me a chance to hear my own words and think about what I was saying. And in their comfortable, attentive silence I found the space to really consider what I was saying and think things through. Because they didn't judge me, I felt safe to say whatever I wanted, without feeling defensive - and I also felt safe enough to change my mind!

Listening is about connecting with someone
with the intent to understand.

There are tremendous benefits to you as the listener:

• As you focus on connecting and understanding, it becomes easier to stop taking things personally.
• Focusing on what your teen is saying (rather than on your response) will quiet your mind.
• Really paying attention to what your teen thinks and feels will make them more real as people, more uniquely individual. They'll become more than just "my kid."
  
• Listening to what your teen has to say will create the safety for them to think more and share more.

To be a good listener, there are two key tools you must master:

Acknowledgements

Most people don't know the difference between understanding and agreeing. And most people think, "If you really understood me, you'd agree with me!"

If this is what you think, it'll be almost impossible for you to acknowledge your teen's opinions. After all, understanding is agreement.

No, no, a thousand times no!

An acknowledgement lets your teen know that
you understand and value his or her opinion -
not that you agree with or approve of the content.

Here are some examples:

• "Thanks for sharing that with me."
• "I never saw it that way before."
• "I feel like I understand you better now."
• "That's an interesting way of looking at it."
• "You've given me a lot to think about."
  
• "I'm so glad you took the time to explain that to me."
• "I hear you." (My daughter's favourite!)
  

Clarifying questions

Can you ask questions? Of course - provided they're not leading or challenging. Avoid questions like these:

• "Don't you think...?"
• "What about...?"
• "Have you considered...?"
  

Instead, use questions to clarify:

• "Okay. Tell me if I got this right."
• "You lost me when you said (fill in the blank). Can you say it again?"
  
• "I'm not sure I know what you mean. Can you explain?"

Using these two tools will benefit you and your teen. Use them for a few days and see what difference they make!

Note: These tools will improve all the rest of your relationships, too!

Just say no! - part 2

In the last post, we looked at Tony and Paula's dilemmas: to cave in to their teens' unreasonable demands and feel angry, or to not cave in and feel guilty.

Near the beginning of that post, I wrote: "...even when the results they get aren't the results they want. Or are they?"

They may be angry as a result of their choices, but they're satisfying something else that's even more important to them: their image of themselves as "good" parents.

Note: In this post, I am not talking about dealing with potentially explosive or violent situations. I'll cover that in another post.

Assumptions
What if Tony and Paula could find an alternative to feeling guilty or angry?

Let's look at what they're assuming.

Tony assumes that, as a good parent, it's his job to provide for Becky - and not just to provide what she needs (food, shelter, clothing), but to satisfy her every whim. He doesn't believe she can act on her own behalf to get what she wants.

Paula assumes that, as a good parent, it's her job to protect David. She doesn't believe he can take care of himself and be safe.

When their children were young, it was Tony and Paula's job to provide for them and protect them. But they didn't change gears! They're still responding to Becky and David's demands the way they did when they were children, and they didn't shift from providing and protecting to preparing their teens to be self-sufficient.

Good parents make clear what they and others will do and what their teens have to do for themselves. (Glasser, Choice Theory, p. 59)

The solution
1. Step back from the drama and buy yourself some time to reflect: "If you need an answer now, the answer's no. If you can wait a few minutes, the answer's maybe."

2. Ask yourself these crucial questions:

• Am I providing something that my teen should be providing for herself?
• Who's working harder here to get her what she wants - her or me?
• Whose problem is it? Whose job is it to solve it?
• Is this something she needs, or something she wants?
• Am I providing, protecting or preparing him?
• How can I help him take care of this himself?
• If I cave, am I sacrificing my teen's long-term growth for my short-term peace of mind?

3. Foster self-reliance: "I know you want an iPod. What do you think you could do to get one?" "I know you're stranded. What do you think can you do about it?" Instead of solving the problem for them, begin to offer the support and encouragement they need to solve it for themselves.

4. Have faith in them: "I know you can work this out." "You're very resourceful. I know you can solve this."

In the next post, we'll explore when your opinion matters. Feel free to share your thoughts about this!