Circles of control, influence, and concern

Back in 2002 when things were at their worst, I was regularly involved with social workers and Children's Aid. Because they are proponents of the carrot-and-stick model, all of their advice was geared toward helping me get my kids under control. And I certainly don't blame them. It's all they know. After all, almost the whole world runs on the belief that we can and should make others do what we want.

When I joined a parent support group in 2003, I discovered that I got better results when I stopped trying to control my kids, and instead focused on controlling me and improving my relationship with them. At the time I didn't fully understand why it worked so well because I didn't understand the power of influence.

This diagram shows three circles related to control. Notice that the more you try to control others, the less influence you have.

Focus on controlling others

Focus on connection and controlling self

Circle of control

Circle of influence

Circle of concern

Circle of control

Your circle of control is tiny, but may be greater than you think.

You can control where you work, where you live, what you spend your money and time on, how you arrange your home, who you associate with, what you wear, what you cook, what you eat.

You also have control over yourself: your actions, your thoughts, your decisions, your choices, your beliefs, your values, what you want. You, and only you, get to decide what kind of person you want to be!

Controlling those things which are yours to control will expand your circle of control, but only slightly. It's still limited.

Circle of influence

The next post will deal with how to increase your circle of influence. For now, I'll explain it in broad terms.

When you vote, you influence who will represent you. When you recycle, you influence the state of the environment. When you buy and cook healthy foods, you influence your heath and the health of your family. When you boycott certain products, you influence the company by "voting with your wallet."

You can't control the outcome, but you still have a say. And although you may think your actions are too small to count, they still influence.

What about relationships? See earlier posts for more information. Focusing on connection and attachment will increase your influence, as will focusing on yourself.

To see how this works, turn it around. Who influences you? Who's lead are you willing to follow? Who are you glad to extend yourself for? So what is it about them that you're so drawn to? If you could be "just like someone", who would it be - and why? What character and qualities do they have that you would like to cultivate in yourself? That's what influence looks like!

Circle of concern

These are all the things you worry about or concern yourself with that you have neither influence nor control over - or that you choose not to influence or control. It could be anything from the weather to the US elections to whether you're going to lose your job to whether your kid, now two hours late, is safe - to whether the kitchen is a mess again.

Note: Focusing on the circle of concern, those things over which you have no influence or control, can lead to feeling hopeless, depressed, despondent, frustrated, and anxious. After all, you're focusing on what you don't want, and there's no way for that to feel good.

The problem - and the solution

It's appropriate and desirable to control those things you can control: your home, your belongings, your time, and yourself.

When you focus instead on trying to control others, including your kids, by trying to make them do what you want or "get them under control", you don't gain more control - but you do lose influence.

And the more you try to control them, the more influence you lose.

Eventually, if you keep it up, those relationships will move out of your circle of influence and into your circle of concern - those things you worry about or are concerned about but think you can do nothing about. (This is where I was at in 2002.)

But the solution isn't in the problem. The solution is in the relationship.

As you focus more and more on connection and controlling yourself, your circle of influence expands.

When we give up appropriate control

You can reduce your circle of control by handing over control to others - for example, what you cook, what you spent money on, what you do, what you think, and how you feel. Sometimes, not knowing any better, we relinquish control of what's properly within our control to others, thus relegating those things to our circle of concern - those things we believe we have no control or influence over.

You may say others are "manipulating" you. In fact, you're making a decision to give up control of something that you can and should control.

A story about control

About 13 years ago, I discovered that my 15-year-old, Emily, had been skipping most of her grade 9 classes. I explained to her that I knew I couldn't control her behaviour, and that I trusted her to make responsible decisions on her own. (Clearly I didn't, but that's not the point of this story.)


The pattern continued. Report cards came home - but not hers. I reiterated that I trusted her to handle this in her own way, in a responsible manner. She was pleased.

The pattern continued. I tried to get her to tell me what was going on, to no avail.  Finally, I went and spoke with her best friend's mother, hoping that she might be able to shed some light on what was happening. It was not a useful conversation.

The next day, Emily came storming up to me: "Did you go and see my friend's mom at 10:00 last night? What were you thinking! You, of all people! You're the only parent I know who understands that you can't control other people, and you went and talked to my best friend's mom! Why?"

"I wanted information."

"Why didn't you come talk to me?!"

"I did. You either locked yourself in your room or left the house."

"Oh. Well, did you get any information?"

"No."

"I thought not. You see? You are never to do that again. If you want to talk to someone, you can talk to me, but you're not to go to my friends' parents any more. Do you understand?"

The light went on.

I put my arms around her and held her close. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"And in much the same way that I can't control who you see or talk to, you can't control who I see or talk to."

Shocked silence as she stepped back and looked at me. I could almost hear her thinking, "Oh, no! Mother out of control!"

In the next post, I'll cover some ideas for helping you to gain more influence.

Control and Connection

I hope I won't regret saying that it's sometimes necessary to exert control over someone else. In fact, it's almost never necessary, desirable, appropriate - or possible. So when I say "sometimes", I mean once in a blue moon. Rarely. Almost never. Use sparingly!

With that caveat, let's look at how control and connection fit together.

I first learned about the deadly and caring habits in Choice Theory by William Glasser. Some refer to them as unsafe and safe habits - that is, people feel unsafe around us when we use one set of habits and safe when we use the other. I refer to them as disconnecting and connecting habits because they either drive us further apart or bring us closer together.

Disconnecting habits

Here's Glasser "short list" of disconnecting habits:

• criticizing
• blaming
• complaining
• nagging
• threatening
• punishing
• bribing / rewarding to control

(Feel free to add to it. There's lots to choose from! One friend suggested "defending." I agree.)

When you read over this list, a common theme becomes apparent: they are all attempts to control others, to get them to do what we want them to do - whether they want to or not. These are our most readily available tools to get others to change what they're doing so we can feel better.

Note also that, in an attempt to give these up, we will often hang onto the "softer" versions. Instead of nagging (such an ugly word!), we give advice, lecture,  remind, cajole, "reason with," ask leading questions, or try to convince. Don't be fooled! It's all the same. If you wouldn't want someone doing it to you, don't do it to others - especially your kids.

These are behaviours which, if you use them, will damage your relationships with others - especially those closest to you. And if you use these with your sons and daughters, you'll drive a wedge between you - not what you want to do if you want to have influence!

Connecting habits

And here's Glasser's "short list" of connecting habits:

• supporting
• encouraging
• respecting
• accepting
• trusting
• listening
• negotiating differences

Not a long list, but each of these will end up with their own post.

Ken Larsen, a long-time Choice Theorist, said, "If Jesus admonished us to love one another, it is Choice Theory that teaches us how."

I remember reading this list and thinking, Hmm, the Golden Rule: treat others the way you'd want them to treat you. So this is what it looks like!

Think of it as a blueprint for creating healthy, happy relationships.

Think of it also as a sure-fire way to build  a strong attachment and connection with your child or teen - and the influence that comes with that.

Control

So what does this have to do with control?

Sometimes - very rarely - it may be necessary to use control.

But it is NEVER necessary to use disconnecting habits.

If a toddler is about to run into a busy street, the situation would require that you scoop her up and get her to safety. The situation does not require that you berate her, call her names, threaten her, or punish her.

The relationship bank account

Think of your relationship as a bank account.

Every time you use a connecting habit, you're making a deposit - strengthening the relationship.

And every time you use a disconnecting habit, you're making a withdrawal - weakening the relationship.

None of us is perfect, and we all use disconnecting habits from time to time. But if you work on using connecting habits far more than disconnecting ones, you won't break the bank!

Preventing frustration

I've never yet met a parent who welcomed frustration - not theirs, and not their child's or teen's.

In fact, most of us would rather do whatever it takes to prevent our kids from experiencing frustration.
 
And why is that? Because we're uncomfortable with others' frustration, whether it be crying, pleading, sulking, threatening, or tantrums.

And let's be clear: What we do in those moments we do for ourselves. It's our best attempt to neutralize someone else's pain so we can feel better. It's our best attempt to get rid of our own discomfort.

There seem to be two standard ways of dealing with frustration:

• Trying to cheer them up - perhaps by minimizing how bad it is or by distracting them with something more pleasant.

• Pointing out how this is their fault and advising them to do something differently next time.

When we say, "No," we don't just want them to respect that. We want them to be happy about it - or at least okay with it. And when they're not, we may use a variety of strategies to "help" them be okay with it - criticizing, blaming, cajoling, lecturing, holding out false hope, threatening, punishing.

What we haven't been taught is the importance of frustration in our children's development:

Frustration helps our kids (and likely us) develop resilience and adaptability.

In his book Hold Onto Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld spends some time discussing the value of frustration and teaching a better, more useful way to deal with it.

He talks about the Wall of Futility - that point when a person (adult or child) realizes that reality is what it is and that it can't be changed. Time has run out. Parents have divorced. The family has moved. Poor choices were made. People got hurt. People died. No is no.

And he defines the parent's role this way:

Parents must be the agents of frustration and the angels of comfort.

So what does that mean? It means being clear with reality, not whitewashing it to make it more palatable. Not mean; just clear.

And then, when the child hit the Wall of Futility, to be the angel of comfort, to let them find their tears and grieve the loss of whatever it is. For some, you can wrap your arms around them and just hold them. For others, you may be able to sit with them. For others, you may have to let them go off on their own for a bit, secure in the knowledge that you'll be there when they resurface.

The benefit to them of being allowed to hit the wall of futility is that, once they've found their tears and grieved, they're ready to move on without any coaxing from you.

I had a profound experience with this a couple of years ago when I had a chance to practice what I was learning.

The whole family was visiting for the weekend (there were 17 of us here), and 7 of the 8 children had gone to watch a movie with friends. Aidyn, aged 7, had opted to stay behind and play video games.

I'd been out for a bit, and when I got back Chloe was beside herself. At some point after all the other children had left, Aidyn decided he should have gone, too. From what I understood, she tried to cheer him up, to no avail, and had finally sent him to bed. She was distraught and he was crying.

Just with that Aidyn walked in the room, face tear stained. I gathered him up wordlessly, carried him to the living room, and sat with him in the rocking chair. I offered nothing. I just held him and rocked him. Our conversation went something like this:

"I really wanted to go to Donny and Michelle's!"

"I know you did."

"I really wanted to watch a movie with the kids!"

"I know you did."

"I should have gone with them!"

"I know."

"But nobody would drive me!"

"I know."

And then, after a pause, "This was my own fault. I could have gone, but I decided to stay here."

"Aah." Pause. "So what would you do next time?"

"I'd go with them."

"Aah."

He heaved a big sigh, stopped crying, and said, "I'm okay now." And he was. And I was amazed how easy it had been. But what surprised me most was his comment as he was leaving the next day. He said good-bye and gave me a hug, then said, with great sincerity, "And thank you for cheering me up last night." I said, "You're welcome!" But what I might have said was, "Oh, honey, you did that yourself!" - because he did.

The truth about control

When parents are first introduced to Choice Theory, they are often confused about ideas around control:

• They understand that they can't control what others do (or think or say or feel or want or perceive), but it's a while before they realize that others can't control them either.

• They start to believe that all control is a "bad" thing. Yikes!

This post is about the latter.

First things first: control is not a "bad" thing. Control is a necessary thing. If you're driving a car, it's vital: if you're not controlling it, who is?!

Here's a short list of what it might be in your best interests to control:

• Yourself (your actions, your thoughts, your choices, your values - your temper!)
• Your environment (home, car, finances, personal belongings, resources)

Bemused parents will say, "I told my son he couldn't have the car, and he told me to stop trying to control him." Now they're confused. What's the deal? That's when I ask, "Well, were you trying to control your son, or were you controlling your keys, your car - your personal belongings? Whose car is it? Who do you think should have control of it?"

Some parenting models are very democratic, but most are still hierarchical. Someone with knowledge and life experience still has to be in charge. Someone still has to have the final say. Someone needs to be the adult - especially when it's not smooth sailing.

A 17-year-old girl lay on the bathroom floor. It was 5 AM. She was vomiting and running a high fever and was a bit delirious. Her aunt was with her and said, "I'm taking you to the hospital." The girl said, "No, no! Don't make me go! I can't do it. Leave me alone."

So what would Choice Theory advise? Respect her wishes? Or make sure she's safe?

Her aunt lifted her off the floor, wrapped her in a blanket, and almost carried her to the car. When they arrived at the hospital, the doctors immediately did a spinal tap and started IV antibiotics. She had meningococcal meningitis. They assured her aunt that it had hit hard and fast, and if she'd waited even another hour or two, they would have lost her.

That girl is my daughter. Her aunt is my sister. It all ended well, and I thank God every day for my sister's commitment to keeping her safe.

The fact is not everything is negotiable.

3 things your kids need most

The things our children need to be happy and to become well-adjusted, responsible citizens aren't necessarily the things we think they need - or what they tell us they need.

So what do they need most?

Safety and security

You may be thinking a roof over their head, food on the table, a warm bed to sleep in, and clean clothes to wear.

Those are important when they're young, but become increasingly less important as they grow. What I'm talking about is feeling safe and secure with us.

I'm talking about trust. I'm talking about being the kind of people that our children can look up to and lean on and depend on. I'm talking about being trustworthy and reliable.

So what does this look like?

Children need to know that we're in charge - not that we're micromanaging their lives, but that we're in control of ourselves.

They need to know we're calmly and confidently in charge so they can see that life isn't too much for us to handle. Mainly they need to know that they aren't too much for us to handle - because if they are, then what hope is there for them?

In Parenting without Power Struggles, Susan Stiffelman uses the analogy of the captain of the ship. It's lovely if he strolls the decks, chatting with passengers, or joins you for dinner. But that's not what you count on him for. You count on him to get you safely to port - no matter what happens.

They also need to observe us going about our day - not being the object of our attention - because this is how they learn. What do they learn by watching us? They learn what our values are. They learn how to make a bed, how to cook, how to pay bills, how to drive a car, how to interact with others. They learn how to be happy, well-adjusted, responsible citizens. If they don't see it, they'll never know.

Connection

Our children also need a deep and meaningful connection with us - attachment. They need to know that they're welcome to exist in our presence. They need a smile, a greeting when they walk in the room. They need to know we're happy to see them and that we enjoy having them near us. As Gordon Neufeld points out, they must never have to work for our love. They must be able to rest in it.

They also need to know that we have things in common, that apart from our differences, there are things about us that are the same. Celebrate that sameness, whether it's in food, music, movies, or books.

As the attachment deepens, they need to know that we're on their side and that they're significant, that they matter, that their opinions count for something. Ask them what they think about a news story. Ask them to teach you how to do something.

Truly deep and meaningful  attachment comes from being known. It's that sense of feeling so safe with someone, so connected with them, that you want them to know everything about you.

Think they get this from their peers? Think again! Appearances to the contrary, you are the most important, most influential person in their lives. Peers may be fun to hang around with, but they can never provide the meaningful connection your kids can experience with you.

Trust

If your child or teen is particularly difficult, you may be tempted to stop here. Please don't. The payoff is too great!

I'm not talking about whether you can trust your son to tell you the truth or trust your daughter not to steal from you. I'm talking about something much deeper than that.

I'm talking about trusting them to be able to figure things out, to learn from their mistakes. I'm talking about trusting that they've been watching you all these years and learning from you - not from what you've said to them, but from what they've observed. I'm talking about trusting that they want to cooperate with you, that they want to contribute, to be part of the tribe.

I won't go into this at length here because it's already covered in the post on Expectations - Why they're always being met. And there will be lots more to come!

How do you define your child?

In 2003, some months after joining a parent support group, I attended a workshop by Helen Jones. And in that workshop, she said something that has stayed with me all these years:

I'll take acting-out teens any day. They're much more interesting.

I wondered, Could that be true? And I concluded it was! I had plenty to deal with at the time. As a single mom, I was dealing with a job and 5 children still at home, ages 16 to 10. It was chaos. It was bedlam. It was out of control. And yet that one offhanded comment forever changed the way I saw my teens.

I came home from that workshop with a very different perspective of my children than I had left with.

I began to notice things about them that I'd never seen before. They were all indepent thinkers, with good minds and valid opinions. They all had a strong sense of fair play, and were unafraid to stand up to injustice, whether it involved them or someone else. They were loyal and helpful to their friends. They were funny and engaging and had good street smarts.

Since that time, I've asked parents to tell me what they like about their sons and daughters. And I've watched them struggle to come up with something - anything - that meets with their approval.

What must it be like to live with people - the most important people in your life - who see no good in you, who believe there's something wrong with you, that you need "fixing", who can find nothing about you to like or admire, who find you wanting in every respect?

Just sit with that for a minute. Put yourself in their shoes, and just sit with that for a minute.

Would you be willing to cooperate with someone who held such a dim view of you? I can't think of anything more discouraging.

At the end of the last post, I suggested this exercise:

Make a list of all those things you think about your son or daughter that may not be helpful,

all those labels you attach to her, everything you think is wrong with him.

This is a good place to start - keeping in mind that the purpose of this exercise is not to make an inventory of everything your child or teen does wrong, but to become more intimately aware of your own perceptions, your own internal dialogue regarding them. This isn't about them. This is about you.

So what words do you use to define your son or daughter? Lazy? Unmotivated? Disrespectful? Dishonest? Untrustworthy? Argumentative? Good for nothing? Under-achiever? Irresponsible? How about ADHD or some other disorder?

Now you can start reframing. So what language could you use instead? Funny? Insightful? Loyal? Fair minded? Energetic? Passionate? Unique? One of a kind?

As long as we believe that our child's or teen's behaviour is the problem, all our energy will go into changing it - despite the fact that that's only ever made matters worse. If we're ever going to help them live up to our expectations, we must let them know that we value them, enjoy their company, and think they're fine just the way they are!

Cautionary note: When looking for what we like and admire in our children and teens, it's important to focus on character rather than achievement.  What qualities do we like and admire? It's not helpful to admire children for being smart because they have no control over that. Equally, it's not helpful to admire them for getting an A on a test because they really have no control over that either. But it would be helpful to notice how hard they worked to prepare for the test (regardless of the outcome) because that they have control over.

Expectations - Why they're always being met

Thirteen years ago, I joined a parent support group and read Choice Theory by Dr. Glasser, and I learned two revolutionary concepts: (1) the only behaviour I can control is my own - and the only person who can control my behaviour is me; and (2) the solution is never in the problem, the solution is always in the relationship.

This set off a chain reaction of "Aha!" moments. It transformed the way I parented and enabled me to help other parents do the same. It was the single most useful piece of knowledge I had acquired in all my years as a parent.

I've read and incorporated ideas from many other sources since then, parenting and otherwise, and they're useful to me and to those I coach because they add texture and colour to these two key concepts. (Most are listed in the right-hand column of this blog!)

But what I'm about to share with you in this post was (at least for me) the most startling and significant insight I've come across since reading Dr. Glasser's book 13 years ago.

As both a parent and a parent coach, I've struggled with the idea of expectations. When I would encourage parents to work on themselves and focus less on their teens, they would invariably ask, "But aren't I allowed to have expectations?!" And I was frankly unclear how to answer that.

Of course, there's the Buddhist saying that if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed. But somehow that wasn't helpful.

Although I would skirt the issue of expectations, we discussed "raising the bar" and learning to trust our teens - which for most parents seemed an insurmountable challenge. They didn't believe they could trust them!

Many attached unhelpful labels to their teens and described them in ways that made me wince. And while this dismayed me, and while I knew that this perception was somehow at the root of all their problems, I was at a loss as to how to explain it.

And then, a month ago, a friend introduced me to a YouTube video of Jean Liedloff discussing the continuum concept. Jean has a lovely, easy, open, friendly style, and her parenting message echoed that. As I watched, I smiled and nodded and smiled and nodded - and then she knocked the wind out of me.

She was talking about expectations. And what she said was so obvious, so crystal clear, so unexpected, and so at odds with everything I'd ever thought that I couldn't take it in. I replayed it five more times until it began to gel. It was beyond, "Aha!" It was, "Oh, good grief! Why did I never see that before?!"

According to Liedloff, children and teens, because they are human beings, are social and want to meet the expectations of their elders. What does this mean? It means that they will imitate and emulate, that they will do what you do and try to contribute and cooperate in order to "fit in", to have a sense that they belong, to participate in and be part of the tribe. And if attachment theory is correct, their need to belong far surpasses any other need - including survival.

So why don't our expectations seem to be producing the desired results? Because we misunderstand what expectations are. Here's what "everybody knows" about expectations:

An expectation is a clear statement of what I want to happen.

For example, "I expect you to go to school," or "I expect you to have a job by the end of the week," or "I expect you to be nice to your sister." In fact, those are not expectations. Those are wants. According to the dictionary:

An expectation is what I believe will happen.

If you believed a child would go to school or get a job or be nice to his sister, why would you say it? And so when you do say it, your child gets the message loud and clear: "This is what I want you to do, but I don't believe you're the kind of person who will actually do it."

The Catch-22 for our children and teens is that we say one thing but expect the opposite. In fact, we expect the worst. And because our children are unable to break away from their evolutionary impulse to meet our expectations, they don't do what we want them to do. They do what they know we expect them to do.

And this is reflected not only in what we say to them, but in what we do for them and to them. Every time we rescue them or do for them what they can and should do for themselves, we send the message, "You're not competent. I can't trust you to take care of yourself." Every time we lecture, we're letting them know, "I can't trust you to figure it out for yourself."

And so we perpetuate those very things that we're trying to cure because the bald truth is:

Our sons and daughters always live up to our expectations of them.

This in and of itself may not be enough to turn things around in your home. But in the next few posts, I'll incorporate this into concepts around the 6 levels of attachment, why principles are more effective than rules, why what we do is more powerful than what we say, the advantages of focusing on character rather than achievement, and how to replace the 7 disconnecting habits with the 7 connecting habits.

If you want to do some homework in the meantime, make a list of all those things you think about your son or daughter that may not be helpful, all those labels you attach to her, everything you think is wrong with him, and let's see if we can bring about some meaningful, lasting change. And feel free to post comments or ask questions. After all, we're all in this together!