Under arrest - or head vs. heart

A mother I know shared this story with me, and agreed to let me publish it here. Some details have been changed or omitted to protect her identity:

The call came at 3:00 Friday afternoon: "Hello, ma'am. This is Constable (blank) with the police. Your son has been arrested for stealing a bike. We'll be releasing him in about an hour. Please come to the police station and pick him up."

I had a shower and got dressed. (After all, it was important that I make a good impression.) And all the while I was thinking, Why this? Why now? How could this be?

I arrived at the station at 4:00, the epitome (or so I hoped) of a concerned and responsible parent. What happened next is what's most critical: I asked a lot of questions and gathered a lot of information. Why? So I would know what to think about my son, how to feel about him, and how to treat him.

The constable expressed concern - more about my son's attitude than about the offence itself. He said he was cocky, indifferent and unco-operative, and when he was put in a holding cell with his friend, he had the nerve to ask if he could have his iPod back. This was alarming. What had happened to the kid who left my house that morning? And do I really know him at all?

I was escorted in to see him a few minutes later, and refrained from saying, "Who are you, and what have you done with my son?!" I squeezed his arm and kissed his cheek before we were taken to the staff sergeant to sign the necessary paperwork. Then we were free to go.

On the way home, the silence was suffocating, and I ended up asking more questions than I should have. What had he been thinking while he was stealing it? "I'd rather not answer that." Had he given any thought to the person who's bike he'd stolen? No response. "I hope you're not planning on making this your next career." He looked taken aback. "What would you like for dinner?" Shrug.

Then I told him by biggest concern: what the officer had said about his attitude. "My attitude? Mom, it wasn't my attitude that was the problem!" I understood his point, and just nodded.

I went to bed that night with an uneasy mind, thinking of my grandfather. He was intelligent, wise, insightful, had a wonderful sense of humour, and was unfailingly kind.

But what I remember most is that he always had faith in me, and he always believed in me. My mother told me that, when she was at her wit's end with me in my 20s, he would say to her, "Leave her alone. She's a smart girl. She'll figure it out." Really? He said that? How extraordinary! And those words stayed with me and sustained me, gave me hope and encouraged me throughout my life.

I dreamed about my grandfather that night. I don't remember the dream; I only remember waking up crying.

When my son got up later that morning, I took him aside and said, "This is what I should have done when I saw you at the police station yesterday." And I wrapped my arms around him and held him and rocked him. As I let him go, I said, "That's what I would have done if you'd been hurt or in trouble. And that's what I should always do."

I also told him that whatever was going on with the stolen bike was between him and the police, and that it had nothing to do with him and me. He blurted out, "Thanks, mom. I love you," and threw his arms around me.

What did I learn? I learned that, when I treat someone else the way I think they deserve to be treated, I pass judgement on them. This is the biggest trap there is, because judgement comes from the head, not the heart. As soon as I judge, I close my heart, and a closed heart can't respond lovingly or compassionately to another human being.

When I die, I won't be held accountable for how anyone else treated me. I'll only be held accountable for how I treated them.

Thanks, Grandpa, for showing me what words could never have taught me.

Your responsibility for your teen

Here's a little known fact about responsibility:

It's impossible to be responsible
for things over which you have no control.

"Responsible for" is the same as "taking ownership of." You're responsible for the spouse you marry, the job you choose, the quality of work you do, the car you drive, the home you own, the size of mortgage you take on, the friends you have, how you spend your money, and so on. You have control over those decisions, and you make those decisions based on what you think will be best for you.

Making these decisions satisfies your need for freedom - the freedom to choose. It also satisfies your need for power - having some control over your own life.

You have control over your own decisions, your own behaviour and, to some degree, your environment - but you DON'T have control over the decisions your teen or anyone else makes.

It's impossible to be responsible FOR your teen.
And it's impossible to MAKE your teen responsible.

The good news is that, if you create a safe environment, you can influence your teen's decisions.

In the next post, I'll discuss your teens' responsibility for themselves.

Your responsibility for your teen - making them happy

Society dictates that, as a parent, your responsibility for your teen is twofold:

• making your teen happy, and
• making your teen responsible.

They're actually flip sides of the same coin - and neither is possible.

To make matters worse, what your teen says you have to do to make her happy actually contributes to her unhappiness, and what you think you have to do to make him responsible actually contributes to his irresponsibility.

But it's okay. There's a way around all this confusion! In this post, we'll deal with myths around making your teen happy.

Myth #1 - My teen will be happy if I provide for her.

Parents mistakenly believe that their teen's happiness depends on what others do for them or buy for them. And our teens are quick to capitalize on this belief: "If you really loved me, you would (fill in the blank)." Then we wonder why they're selfish, self-centred and ungrateful. Not surprisingly, selfish, self-centred, ungrateful people are anything but happy!

The truth is it's not possible to "buy" your teen's happiness, because happiness comes from -

• satisfying relationships, and
  
• becoming increasingly competent at solving problems, getting along with others, predicting outcomes, understanding cause and effect, etc.
  

Your "job" as a parent consists of providing food, shelter, clothing and a safe environment. (More about safe environment later.) But for most of us, it doesn't end there. The older they get, the more self-sufficient they should become, but for some of us, the older they get, the more we do for them and the more we provide for them.

How many of these do you do for your teen:

• act as a taxi service - even when it's not convenient for you
• do their laundry
• wake them up in the morning, make their breakfast, make their lunch and drive them to school or work
  
• plan dinner around what they like, not what you like
• clean up their room
• look after their pets
• act as a mediator with teachers, principals and bosses
  
• act as a referee between them and others (siblings, other parent, etc.)
• rescue them or bail them out when they get themselves in hot water

How many of these do you provide for your teen:

• cell phone
• cable/satellite TV
• internet
• laptop
• designer clothes
• junk food
• money
• use of your car (with you paying insurance, gas, etc.)
  

With all you do and all you provide, is your teen happy? Or is he or she increasingly unhappy? And what about you? How are you doing?

What you can do instead

You can help prepare them to live in the world by doing the following:

1. Let them do for themselves what they can (and should) be doing for themselves.
2. Let them provide for themselves what they can (and should) be providing for themselves.
3. Teach them the skills they'll need to get along on their own - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Then give them a chance to get good at them!
   
4. Model self-control.
5. Be self-sufficient.
   
6. Demonstrate co-operation and win-win in all your relationships.
   
7. It's easier to be happy when you're around happy people. So BE HAPPY! Show them that growing up and taking on more responsibility has its benefits and rewards!
   

Myth #2 - My teen will be happy if I protect him.

It's not easy being a child or a teen. After all, they aren't competent at much, and they're still learning how the world works, how they fit in, and how to look after themselves. If you've ever tried to learn something new, you know it takes a lot of trial and error and practice before you get it right, and that's frustrating. Frustration is a necessary step in developing competence.

For some teens, the idea of facing the world on their own looms large and frightening, which can lead to some interesting behaviours: increased reliance on you, on distractions, on material possessions, and on substances like drugs and alcohol.

But you make a mistake when you protect them -

• from their anger by appeasing them
• from frustration by doing it for them
  
• from others by making excuses for them
• from making mistakes by bribing, threatening and punishing
• from making "bad" decisions by making their decisions for them
  
• from learning cause and effect by rescuing them
• from other family members by interfering in their relationships
  
• from the police by bailing them out or lying for them.
  

Instead of protecting them, you're actually short-circuiting their growth, their learning, and their resiliency.

And while you can't "fix" your teen's unhappiness, anger, depression, frustration or anxiety, you can provide a safe environment and help them figure it out for themselves.

What you can do instead

1. Listen to understand.
2. Ask them what they want, how they would like things to be.
3. Ask what they think they can do about it.
   
4. Help them build on previous successes. Walking and talking are by far the most difficult skills they'll ever learn, and they've already mastered those!
5. Focus on character - something they have absolute control over.
   
6. Support them in taking responsible risks and moving out of their comfort zone.
7. Encourage them to "take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" (Ms Frizzle from The Magic School Bus)
   

In the next post, we'll discuss making your teen responsible!

Your responsibility to yourself

At the end of the last post, I asked you a "trick" question: Do you and others have a right to get your needs met?

If you answered yes, you're right - but only half right. Read on...

So what's a need? According to Choice Theory, there are five basic needs:

• Survival
• Love & belonging
• Power (respect)
• Freedom
• Learning

(For a short and easy-to-read description of needs, you can download the free booklet Who's Driving YOUR Car? from www.lifewhisperers.ca. This will also teach you how to find out what your own unique needs profile is. Go ahead and figure out your teen's profile while you're at it! This'll come in handy in a later post.)

Responsibility has two parts:

• doing those things that meet your needs, and
• not preventing anyone else from doing those things that meet their needs.

According to this definition, doing those things that meet your needs isn't a right, it's a responsibility! Same for your son or daughter.

So why do we have a responsibility to get our needs met? Because everything we do - and everything everybody else does - is our best attempt to satisfy our needs. That's what drives our behaviour. And the more successful we are, the happier we are.

So what are your responsibilities to yourself? How about these: I have a responsibility to decide--

• When I'll stay home, when I'll go out, and where I'll go.
• When I'll entertain and who I'll invite into my home.
• Who I'll associate with.
  
• How I'll spend my time (whether anyone else thinks it's "important" or not).
  
• What perks I'll provide - TV, computer, internet access, drives, etc.
  
• What kind of food I'll buy.
• What and when I'll prepare meals.
  
• How I'll spend my money.
  

How else do you take responsibility for yourself? Let's hear what you have to say!

In the next post, I'll challenge you to think differently about your responsibility for your teen!

Your responsibility to your teen

What's a parent? And who gets to decide? In other words, who writes your job description?

I'm stunned by the number of parents who explain, "But my teen says it's my job!" Expectations include, but are not limited to:

• driving them out of town to a friend's and picking them up again - at the teen's convenience
• waking them up in the morning, packing their lunch and driving them to school (even when the parents know they're not going to school)
• buying them designer clothes
• cooking all their meals
• waiting on them hand and foot
• picking up after them
• doing their laundry
• giving them money
• letting them use the car.

The list is endless.

The irony, of course, is that we've taught our kids that they can reasonably expect to get whatever they want, with no effort on their part, because it's the job of others to provide it.

The result? We end up with self-absorbed, demanding and ungrateful teens who suffer from low self-esteem and monumental entitlement.

So let's rewrite your job description. What realistically can your teen expect from you? YOU decide! Here's a start. As a parent, I commit--

• To pay the bills - mortgage, utilities, car payment and insurance, etc.
• To buy groceries (real food, not junk).
• To buy household supplies (laundry detergent, cleaners, toilet paper, etc.).
• To cook meals from time to time - or every night, if that's what I choose.
• To keep the house the way I like it - i.e., clean, tidy and free from clutter.

As a parent, you may also recognize that there's value in fostering a meaningful connection with your son or daughter - not to control, but to support and encourage in order to influence. So to this list you might add the following:

• To love you unconditionally, knowing that I don't have to approve of what you do to recognize and accept you as a unique individual.
• To teach you age-appropriate life skills that you'll need when you move out on your own (cooking, laundry, etc.).
• To support you in your right to "own" your own life and make your own decisions around friends, education, career path, etc. - whether or not I agree.
• To not rescue you, but to trust in your ability to learn from your mistakes.
• To listen and understand - without judging, blaming or criticizing.
• To do with you - not to you or for you.
• To support your growth by not doing for you what you can do for yourself.
• To offer advice and opinions only when asked for.
• To help you build self-esteem by offering you opportunities to contribute to the family in a meaningful way.
• To practice a co-operative model of living together, where everyone's opinion matters, everyone has a say, and everyone has the freedom to get their own needs met - but not at anyone else's expense.
• To respect that you are an autonomous individual with unique needs, wants and perspective.
• To stay out of your relationships with others, and have faith in you to sort out conflicts on your own. And of course I'm always around to give you pointers if you need them!
• To encourage you to think for yourself and evaluate what you do in terms of the results you get.
• To define and solve problems with you - not to see you as a problem to be solved.
• To negotiate everything else!

I'll expand on each of these in the next few posts - along with how accountability fits into all this.

In the meantime, here's a question: Do you have a right to get your needs met? And does your child or teen have a right to get his or her needs met? Leave your comments! This is one place where your opinion matters!

Rice Experiment - Results

I first read about the rice experiment in The Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto (pp. 64-65).

It piqued my curiosity, so I tried it for myself - three times. And each time I got the same result.

I put in additional "controls":

• I cooked the rice in water and salt, and added nothing else.
• I sterilized the jars and lids to reduce contamination.
• I put the rice in the jars as soon as it had finished cooking.
• I was careful to put equal amounts of rice in each jar (or as close to equal as I could get).
• I made sure the lids sealed the jars tightly.
• I put the three jars together on the same small table in my kitchen.
• Each time I did the experiment, I changed the position of the jars - just in case!

None of this made any difference.

Here's what I found:

• The rice in the "thank you" jar grew a white, fluffy mould.
• The rice in the "you fool" jar grew a darker, heavier mould.
• The rice in the jar I ignored grew an almost black mould - and moulded more quickly than the other two.

Cristina tried the experiment too, with similar results. (Read her comment on the previous post.)

The next time I try this (as I'm sure I will), I won't actually say anything; I'll just think it. And when I do, I'll let you know what happens!

Rice Experiment - What did you observe?

Towards the end of August, I outlined the method for conducting a rice experiment:

1. Get 2 or 3 small glass jars with lids.
2. Fill them with cooked rice and put on the lids.
3. Set them in a common area (e.g., kitchen).
4. Several times a day - or whenever you think of it - say "Thank you" to one jar, "You fool!" to another and, if you've chosen 3 jars, pointedly ignore the third.
5. If anyone else in your home is interested, let them know what you're doing and invite them to participate.
6. Continue the experiment for 3-4 weeks.
   

Next week I'll tell you what I observed the three times I did this.

But for now: If you tried this experiment, share your results with us! Just write your comment in the box below this post.