Circles of control, influence, and concern

Back in 2002 when things were at their worst, I was regularly involved with social workers and Children's Aid. Because they are proponents of the carrot-and-stick model, all of their advice was geared toward helping me get my kids under control. And I certainly don't blame them. It's all they know. After all, almost the whole world runs on the belief that we can and should make others do what we want.

When I joined a parent support group in 2003, I discovered that I got better results when I stopped trying to control my kids, and instead focused on controlling me and improving my relationship with them. At the time I didn't fully understand why it worked so well because I didn't understand the power of influence.

This diagram shows three circles related to control. Notice that the more you try to control others, the less influence you have.

Focus on controlling others

Focus on connection and controlling self

Circle of control

Circle of influence

Circle of concern

Circle of control

Your circle of control is tiny, but may be greater than you think.

You can control where you work, where you live, what you spend your money and time on, how you arrange your home, who you associate with, what you wear, what you cook, what you eat.

You also have control over yourself: your actions, your thoughts, your decisions, your choices, your beliefs, your values, what you want. You, and only you, get to decide what kind of person you want to be!

Controlling those things which are yours to control will expand your circle of control, but only slightly. It's still limited.

Circle of influence

The next post will deal with how to increase your circle of influence. For now, I'll explain it in broad terms.

When you vote, you influence who will represent you. When you recycle, you influence the state of the environment. When you buy and cook healthy foods, you influence your heath and the health of your family. When you boycott certain products, you influence the company by "voting with your wallet."

You can't control the outcome, but you still have a say. And although you may think your actions are too small to count, they still influence.

What about relationships? See earlier posts for more information. Focusing on connection and attachment will increase your influence, as will focusing on yourself.

To see how this works, turn it around. Who influences you? Who's lead are you willing to follow? Who are you glad to extend yourself for? So what is it about them that you're so drawn to? If you could be "just like someone", who would it be - and why? What character and qualities do they have that you would like to cultivate in yourself? That's what influence looks like!

Circle of concern

These are all the things you worry about or concern yourself with that you have neither influence nor control over - or that you choose not to influence or control. It could be anything from the weather to the US elections to whether you're going to lose your job to whether your kid, now two hours late, is safe - to whether the kitchen is a mess again.

Note: Focusing on the circle of concern, those things over which you have no influence or control, can lead to feeling hopeless, depressed, despondent, frustrated, and anxious. After all, you're focusing on what you don't want, and there's no way for that to feel good.

The problem - and the solution

It's appropriate and desirable to control those things you can control: your home, your belongings, your time, and yourself.

When you focus instead on trying to control others, including your kids, by trying to make them do what you want or "get them under control", you don't gain more control - but you do lose influence.

And the more you try to control them, the more influence you lose.

Eventually, if you keep it up, those relationships will move out of your circle of influence and into your circle of concern - those things you worry about or are concerned about but think you can do nothing about. (This is where I was at in 2002.)

But the solution isn't in the problem. The solution is in the relationship.

As you focus more and more on connection and controlling yourself, your circle of influence expands.

When we give up appropriate control

You can reduce your circle of control by handing over control to others - for example, what you cook, what you spent money on, what you do, what you think, and how you feel. Sometimes, not knowing any better, we relinquish control of what's properly within our control to others, thus relegating those things to our circle of concern - those things we believe we have no control or influence over.

You may say others are "manipulating" you. In fact, you're making a decision to give up control of something that you can and should control.

A story about control

About 13 years ago, I discovered that my 15-year-old, Emily, had been skipping most of her grade 9 classes. I explained to her that I knew I couldn't control her behaviour, and that I trusted her to make responsible decisions on her own. (Clearly I didn't, but that's not the point of this story.)


The pattern continued. Report cards came home - but not hers. I reiterated that I trusted her to handle this in her own way, in a responsible manner. She was pleased.

The pattern continued. I tried to get her to tell me what was going on, to no avail.  Finally, I went and spoke with her best friend's mother, hoping that she might be able to shed some light on what was happening. It was not a useful conversation.

The next day, Emily came storming up to me: "Did you go and see my friend's mom at 10:00 last night? What were you thinking! You, of all people! You're the only parent I know who understands that you can't control other people, and you went and talked to my best friend's mom! Why?"

"I wanted information."

"Why didn't you come talk to me?!"

"I did. You either locked yourself in your room or left the house."

"Oh. Well, did you get any information?"

"No."

"I thought not. You see? You are never to do that again. If you want to talk to someone, you can talk to me, but you're not to go to my friends' parents any more. Do you understand?"

The light went on.

I put my arms around her and held her close. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"And in much the same way that I can't control who you see or talk to, you can't control who I see or talk to."

Shocked silence as she stepped back and looked at me. I could almost hear her thinking, "Oh, no! Mother out of control!"

In the next post, I'll cover some ideas for helping you to gain more influence.

Control and Connection

I hope I won't regret saying that it's sometimes necessary to exert control over someone else. In fact, it's almost never necessary, desirable, appropriate - or possible. So when I say "sometimes", I mean once in a blue moon. Rarely. Almost never. Use sparingly!

With that caveat, let's look at how control and connection fit together.

I first learned about the deadly and caring habits in Choice Theory by William Glasser. Some refer to them as unsafe and safe habits - that is, people feel unsafe around us when we use one set of habits and safe when we use the other. I refer to them as disconnecting and connecting habits because they either drive us further apart or bring us closer together.

Disconnecting habits

Here's Glasser "short list" of disconnecting habits:

• criticizing
• blaming
• complaining
• nagging
• threatening
• punishing
• bribing / rewarding to control

(Feel free to add to it. There's lots to choose from! One friend suggested "defending." I agree.)

When you read over this list, a common theme becomes apparent: they are all attempts to control others, to get them to do what we want them to do - whether they want to or not. These are our most readily available tools to get others to change what they're doing so we can feel better.

Note also that, in an attempt to give these up, we will often hang onto the "softer" versions. Instead of nagging (such an ugly word!), we give advice, lecture,  remind, cajole, "reason with," ask leading questions, or try to convince. Don't be fooled! It's all the same. If you wouldn't want someone doing it to you, don't do it to others - especially your kids.

These are behaviours which, if you use them, will damage your relationships with others - especially those closest to you. And if you use these with your sons and daughters, you'll drive a wedge between you - not what you want to do if you want to have influence!

Connecting habits

And here's Glasser's "short list" of connecting habits:

• supporting
• encouraging
• respecting
• accepting
• trusting
• listening
• negotiating differences

Not a long list, but each of these will end up with their own post.

Ken Larsen, a long-time Choice Theorist, said, "If Jesus admonished us to love one another, it is Choice Theory that teaches us how."

I remember reading this list and thinking, Hmm, the Golden Rule: treat others the way you'd want them to treat you. So this is what it looks like!

Think of it as a blueprint for creating healthy, happy relationships.

Think of it also as a sure-fire way to build  a strong attachment and connection with your child or teen - and the influence that comes with that.

Control

So what does this have to do with control?

Sometimes - very rarely - it may be necessary to use control.

But it is NEVER necessary to use disconnecting habits.

If a toddler is about to run into a busy street, the situation would require that you scoop her up and get her to safety. The situation does not require that you berate her, call her names, threaten her, or punish her.

The relationship bank account

Think of your relationship as a bank account.

Every time you use a connecting habit, you're making a deposit - strengthening the relationship.

And every time you use a disconnecting habit, you're making a withdrawal - weakening the relationship.

None of us is perfect, and we all use disconnecting habits from time to time. But if you work on using connecting habits far more than disconnecting ones, you won't break the bank!