Your responsibility for your teen - making them happy

Society dictates that, as a parent, your responsibility for your teen is twofold:

• making your teen happy, and
• making your teen responsible.

They're actually flip sides of the same coin - and neither is possible.

To make matters worse, what your teen says you have to do to make her happy actually contributes to her unhappiness, and what you think you have to do to make him responsible actually contributes to his irresponsibility.

But it's okay. There's a way around all this confusion! In this post, we'll deal with myths around making your teen happy.

Myth #1 - My teen will be happy if I provide for her.

Parents mistakenly believe that their teen's happiness depends on what others do for them or buy for them. And our teens are quick to capitalize on this belief: "If you really loved me, you would (fill in the blank)." Then we wonder why they're selfish, self-centred and ungrateful. Not surprisingly, selfish, self-centred, ungrateful people are anything but happy!

The truth is it's not possible to "buy" your teen's happiness, because happiness comes from -

• satisfying relationships, and
  
• becoming increasingly competent at solving problems, getting along with others, predicting outcomes, understanding cause and effect, etc.
  

Your "job" as a parent consists of providing food, shelter, clothing and a safe environment. (More about safe environment later.) But for most of us, it doesn't end there. The older they get, the more self-sufficient they should become, but for some of us, the older they get, the more we do for them and the more we provide for them.

How many of these do you do for your teen:

• act as a taxi service - even when it's not convenient for you
• do their laundry
• wake them up in the morning, make their breakfast, make their lunch and drive them to school or work
  
• plan dinner around what they like, not what you like
• clean up their room
• look after their pets
• act as a mediator with teachers, principals and bosses
  
• act as a referee between them and others (siblings, other parent, etc.)
• rescue them or bail them out when they get themselves in hot water

How many of these do you provide for your teen:

• cell phone
• cable/satellite TV
• internet
• laptop
• designer clothes
• junk food
• money
• use of your car (with you paying insurance, gas, etc.)
  

With all you do and all you provide, is your teen happy? Or is he or she increasingly unhappy? And what about you? How are you doing?

What you can do instead

You can help prepare them to live in the world by doing the following:

1. Let them do for themselves what they can (and should) be doing for themselves.
2. Let them provide for themselves what they can (and should) be providing for themselves.
3. Teach them the skills they'll need to get along on their own - cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Then give them a chance to get good at them!
   
4. Model self-control.
5. Be self-sufficient.
   
6. Demonstrate co-operation and win-win in all your relationships.
   
7. It's easier to be happy when you're around happy people. So BE HAPPY! Show them that growing up and taking on more responsibility has its benefits and rewards!
   

Myth #2 - My teen will be happy if I protect him.

It's not easy being a child or a teen. After all, they aren't competent at much, and they're still learning how the world works, how they fit in, and how to look after themselves. If you've ever tried to learn something new, you know it takes a lot of trial and error and practice before you get it right, and that's frustrating. Frustration is a necessary step in developing competence.

For some teens, the idea of facing the world on their own looms large and frightening, which can lead to some interesting behaviours: increased reliance on you, on distractions, on material possessions, and on substances like drugs and alcohol.

But you make a mistake when you protect them -

• from their anger by appeasing them
• from frustration by doing it for them
  
• from others by making excuses for them
• from making mistakes by bribing, threatening and punishing
• from making "bad" decisions by making their decisions for them
  
• from learning cause and effect by rescuing them
• from other family members by interfering in their relationships
  
• from the police by bailing them out or lying for them.
  

Instead of protecting them, you're actually short-circuiting their growth, their learning, and their resiliency.

And while you can't "fix" your teen's unhappiness, anger, depression, frustration or anxiety, you can provide a safe environment and help them figure it out for themselves.

What you can do instead

1. Listen to understand.
2. Ask them what they want, how they would like things to be.
3. Ask what they think they can do about it.
   
4. Help them build on previous successes. Walking and talking are by far the most difficult skills they'll ever learn, and they've already mastered those!
5. Focus on character - something they have absolute control over.
   
6. Support them in taking responsible risks and moving out of their comfort zone.
7. Encourage them to "take chances, make mistakes, get messy!" (Ms Frizzle from The Magic School Bus)
   

In the next post, we'll discuss making your teen responsible!

Your responsibility to yourself

At the end of the last post, I asked you a "trick" question: Do you and others have a right to get your needs met?

If you answered yes, you're right - but only half right. Read on...

So what's a need? According to Choice Theory, there are five basic needs:

• Survival
• Love & belonging
• Power (respect)
• Freedom
• Learning

(For a short and easy-to-read description of needs, you can download the free booklet Who's Driving YOUR Car? from www.lifewhisperers.ca. This will also teach you how to find out what your own unique needs profile is. Go ahead and figure out your teen's profile while you're at it! This'll come in handy in a later post.)

Responsibility has two parts:

• doing those things that meet your needs, and
• not preventing anyone else from doing those things that meet their needs.

According to this definition, doing those things that meet your needs isn't a right, it's a responsibility! Same for your son or daughter.

So why do we have a responsibility to get our needs met? Because everything we do - and everything everybody else does - is our best attempt to satisfy our needs. That's what drives our behaviour. And the more successful we are, the happier we are.

So what are your responsibilities to yourself? How about these: I have a responsibility to decide--

• When I'll stay home, when I'll go out, and where I'll go.
• When I'll entertain and who I'll invite into my home.
• Who I'll associate with.
  
• How I'll spend my time (whether anyone else thinks it's "important" or not).
  
• What perks I'll provide - TV, computer, internet access, drives, etc.
  
• What kind of food I'll buy.
• What and when I'll prepare meals.
  
• How I'll spend my money.
  

How else do you take responsibility for yourself? Let's hear what you have to say!

In the next post, I'll challenge you to think differently about your responsibility for your teen!

Your responsibility to your teen

What's a parent? And who gets to decide? In other words, who writes your job description?

I'm stunned by the number of parents who explain, "But my teen says it's my job!" Expectations include, but are not limited to:

• driving them out of town to a friend's and picking them up again - at the teen's convenience
• waking them up in the morning, packing their lunch and driving them to school (even when the parents know they're not going to school)
• buying them designer clothes
• cooking all their meals
• waiting on them hand and foot
• picking up after them
• doing their laundry
• giving them money
• letting them use the car.

The list is endless.

The irony, of course, is that we've taught our kids that they can reasonably expect to get whatever they want, with no effort on their part, because it's the job of others to provide it.

The result? We end up with self-absorbed, demanding and ungrateful teens who suffer from low self-esteem and monumental entitlement.

So let's rewrite your job description. What realistically can your teen expect from you? YOU decide! Here's a start. As a parent, I commit--

• To pay the bills - mortgage, utilities, car payment and insurance, etc.
• To buy groceries (real food, not junk).
• To buy household supplies (laundry detergent, cleaners, toilet paper, etc.).
• To cook meals from time to time - or every night, if that's what I choose.
• To keep the house the way I like it - i.e., clean, tidy and free from clutter.

As a parent, you may also recognize that there's value in fostering a meaningful connection with your son or daughter - not to control, but to support and encourage in order to influence. So to this list you might add the following:

• To love you unconditionally, knowing that I don't have to approve of what you do to recognize and accept you as a unique individual.
• To teach you age-appropriate life skills that you'll need when you move out on your own (cooking, laundry, etc.).
• To support you in your right to "own" your own life and make your own decisions around friends, education, career path, etc. - whether or not I agree.
• To not rescue you, but to trust in your ability to learn from your mistakes.
• To listen and understand - without judging, blaming or criticizing.
• To do with you - not to you or for you.
• To support your growth by not doing for you what you can do for yourself.
• To offer advice and opinions only when asked for.
• To help you build self-esteem by offering you opportunities to contribute to the family in a meaningful way.
• To practice a co-operative model of living together, where everyone's opinion matters, everyone has a say, and everyone has the freedom to get their own needs met - but not at anyone else's expense.
• To respect that you are an autonomous individual with unique needs, wants and perspective.
• To stay out of your relationships with others, and have faith in you to sort out conflicts on your own. And of course I'm always around to give you pointers if you need them!
• To encourage you to think for yourself and evaluate what you do in terms of the results you get.
• To define and solve problems with you - not to see you as a problem to be solved.
• To negotiate everything else!

I'll expand on each of these in the next few posts - along with how accountability fits into all this.

In the meantime, here's a question: Do you have a right to get your needs met? And does your child or teen have a right to get his or her needs met? Leave your comments! This is one place where your opinion matters!