"Honour" killings

If you've been following the news, you've likely heard about the three teenage girls and their "aunt" who were found dead in the family car at the bottom of the Rideau Canal in Kingston.

The family, who live in Montreal, had gone on a trip to Niagara Falls, and had stopped over in Kingston on their way home. The mother claimed her eldest daughter asked for the keys to get something out of the car before the family went to sleep that night, and then took the others on a joy ride, with tragic results. The police, however, saw it differently, and the husband, wife, and 18-year-old son are now all in custody, charged with 4 counts of first-degree murder and 4 counts of conspiracy to commit murder.

I don't normally follow news stories or blogs related to them, but this story piqued my interest because of the reference to "honour" killings: the reports suggest the eldest daughter was dating someone the family didn't approve of, and her sisters were becoming "too westernized" and bringing dishonour to the family.

This is an extreme case of a punitive model that I've seen too many parents buy into:

• The parents think their offspring's behaviour shames, disgraces, embarrasses or dishonours the family.

• The parents then believe they must either do something to the teen in order to redeem or protect their image, or do something to prevent the teen from further damaging the family's or parent's reputation.

This is not an eastern concept. This paradigm is universal, and stems from a deeply held belief that our image and reputation can be ruined by the behaviour of those who are close to us, and so we must control them - that "others" are an extension of us, not people in their own right:

• A mother stood by while someone bullied and humiliated her teen-age son for being disrespectful - and then blamed her son for "making her look bad."

• A father disowned his adult son when the son refused to take over the family business as planned, but instead struck out on his own and started his own - very successful and extremely satisfying - business as a drummer.

• A distraught mother grounded her son for skipping school: "The school calls and leaves messages every day. I'm so embarrassed. They must think I'm a terrible parent. Why is he doing this to me?!"

These attitudes are self-serving, and are more about looking good than doing good.

Here are two questions you can ask yourself before you punish your teen to defend your honour or your image:

If I do this, who will it benefit?

If I do this, who will it harm?

I'll end this with a story that a friend and colleague shared with me. It demonstrates beautifully how each person's reputation stands on its own merits:

I left the house one day, and as I was headed down the street, my daughter came to the door and began hurling obscenities and insults at me. Of course, it was a lovely summer day, and all the neighbours were out working in their gardens - and they could all hear her. I was mortified and embarrassed, but only for a moment, because I suddenly realized that this was her behaviour, not mine! What a relief! Because of that, I was able to greet and chat with neighbours, unperturbed by my daughter's rantings. And I realized that the neighbours' attitudes about me would be determined by my response (or lack thereof), not by what my daughter was saying.

How to safeguard your reputation: be calm, confident and cordial. And never do anything you can be blackmailed for!

I could have been an archaeologist...

I'm rapidly learning to love blogging! It has a few advantages over newsletters:

• Newsletters tend to be more formal and business-like, while blogs tend to be more informal and personal - which means I can share personal stories with you.
  

• Newsletters are a one-way flow of information, while blogs are interactive. Because you can respond and share your opinions and ask questions, we can actually develop a relationship with each other and with other readers.
  

So here's an event I wrote about back in 2002 - two years after my husband and I separated, and a few months before the s**t hit the fan:

I could have been an archaeologist. I could have been a lawyer. I could have been a psychiatrist. Instead, I became a mother. Interesting occupation, that, teetering between the ridiculous and the sublime. All those beatific paintings of Mother and Child with haloes above their heads - don't believe it for a minute. Not that those painters deliberately misrepresented what it is to be a mother, but they took it all a little too seriously and left out the comic aspect altogether.

Take last night, for example. Mike and I were spending a quiet evening together at his apartment. The kids had decided to make dinner for themselves, and I'd given them Mike's phone number and instructions to call in case of an emergency.

The demanding, disembodied voice of my 11-year-old daughter fills the room: "Hi, Mom? Pick up. (Pause.) Mom, if you're there, pick up. I need to know how much milk and butter to put in the mashed potatoes."

Some time later, my 23-year-old daughter's voice interjects: "Hi, Mom. Sorry to bother you, but Ben's mom has to give a speech tomorrow, and she needs a fishing joke. Remember the one you told me about the game warden and the guy with the dynamite...?"

Still later, my 14-year-old son's voice: "Mom? Hi. This is Andrew. Listen, did you take the bread with you? I've looked everywhere and I can't find it. I have to make a peanut butter and jam sandwich, 'cause Maddy ruined the mashed potatoes. No kidding. They're like plaster. They even stick to the walls."

Giving birth is an incredible, soul-shaking event, but that's not what will bring tears to my eyes when I'm sitting on the porch in my rocking chair at 90. And to think I could have been a pilot...

Disengage - Part 1

Welcome to my first ever blog! This is so exciting!

If you're anything like I was when my sons and daughters were young, your plan was just to raise your kids to be happy, healthy, responsible, independent adults.

And if you're anything like I was when some of them started running out of control, you're wondering how the hell you can even think about such lofty goals when you're struggling to keep your sanity and somehow hold things together.

(If you want some idea of how out of control my life was, read about it here!)

First some reassurance:

• There's nothing wrong with you.
• There's nothing wrong with your child.
• You're not alone.
• You're in the right place.
• I can help!
  

Let's get started!

The first thing you have to do when life with your teen is spiralling out of control is to take a step back. This is called "disengaging."

Disengaging does not mean disengaging from your kid. Disengaging means disengaging from power struggles and any discussion of "hot topics": chores, curfew, school and homework, violence, sibling rivalry, drugs, choice of friends, lack of motivation, house rules, lack of respect, etc.

For one week (or as long as you can stand), give yourself permission to not nag, remind or complain about any of the things your kid does that drive you crazy. Do this for one week only! Then get back to me and let me know how it went.

Most parents, when they hear this plan, say, "But that's like telling them it's okay to behave that way! They'll think I approve - AND I DON'T!"

Seriously? Do you really believe your kid doesn't know what you think?!

Chances are you've been nagging, reminding and complaining for quite some while now. What results are you getting?

Is there anything you can say at this point that you haven't already said 100 times before? If so, say it now and get it over with. Then get on with this plan. After all, you have nothing to lose by trying this, do you?

Note: I'm not asking you to commit to this for a lifetime. This is a one-week experiment. That's all. Keep breathing!

In the next instalment, I'll give you a simple remedy to help you reduce the greatest barrier to trying something new: worry.

And over the next few weeks, I'll introduce you to my kids (all 6 of them!) and, with their permission, post pictures of them.

Looking for a parent support group? If you live in the GTA, check out APSGO (The Association of Parent Support Groups in Ontario Inc.). This group saved my life and sanity. It's amazing!

I plan to update this blog regularly, so send questions and comments and stay tuned! I'm looking forward to hearing from you!