Stories we tell ourselves - part 2

In the last post, I shared the sequence leading up to the stories we tell ourselves:

• An event happens, or someone does something.
• I attach a meaning to it.
• I judge the meaning to be good or bad.
• Based on that, I get an instant ping of either pleasure or pain.
  
• I choose what I think is the right way to feel about it.
• I create a story to justify how I feel - and to explain why feeling this way isn't my fault.

The ping we feel is -

• spontaneous,
• short-lived, and
• not under our control.

It's what we do after the ping that's important!

There's a tiny gap between the ping and the feeling we choose. If we automatically choose what we've always chosen, we'll feel the way we usually feel in similar situations, and the story will be predictable.

We can't change the ping - but we can always change the story!

In the previous post, Mary was able to change the story when she got correct information. But sometimes that's not possible - like in Justin's case.

Justin attended a Choice Theory youth group for several years, and his story is a great example of how this works. Here's what he asked at one group session:

I've been working hard to change what I do, but it's not working. Is it possible to do things better to get what I want - and still feel bad?

Here's what happened: I got home from work the other night, and the house was a mess.

The first ping: What he wanted was a clean house. What he had was not a clean house. And he judged this as bad, and felt frustrated.

So I asked my three roommates to help clean up so I could make dinner. They were busy doing their own thing and basically ignored me.

The second ping: He wanted his roommates to help clean up - but that's not what they wanted to do. And he judged this as worse, and felt more frustrated.

So I went ahead and did it myself.

Here, he took more effective control to get what he wanted...

But I noticed that I complained to myself the whole time: "Those lazy bums! They don't do anything around here! They're adults, and they should help out. After all, they live here too - and most of this is their mess!"

...but he decided the right way to feel was angry and resentful, and he created a story about that...

By the time I was done, the house was clean (which was what I wanted) - but I felt worse!

 ...which reinforced how he was feeling - and "proved" he was right!

So he decided to try an experiment: The next time he found himself in that situation, he would go ahead and clean up, but he wouldn't complain about it.

A few days later, I went into the kitchen to make dinner, and the kitchen was a mess. I started cleaning up - and noticed that I'd also started complaining. So I said to myself, "There's no point in complaining. That didn't work well last time. Even if I'm right, so what? So just this once, no complaining, and let's see what happens."

By the time I'd finished the kitchen, I felt really good. I went and had a shower and came back into a nice clean kitchen and made myself a good meal. And I felt great!

 It's usually a simple choice:

Do I want to be right,

or do I want to be happy?

So what story do you want to change this week?!